Conflicted

There was a new woman at my WW meeting tonight. Melvin, my meeting leader, made a point of getting her to introduce herself to the group. As with most new people, she was a little embarrassed by the attention. He mentioned that she had asked at the weigh-in how much weight can people lose. He gestured to me as the example of how much weight you can lose and touted my 61.6 lbs. lost. It was weird. I mean I appreciate the support I get at my meetings immensely, but I don't know if I want to be the poster girl for the 5:30 pm meeting on Thursdays. She then asked how long it took me and he made a big point about the fact that it didn't matter how long it took me because it would sound either short or long to her and it might not be motivational. He is very into not having deadlines for your weight loss and letting it happens as it happens. Anyway, I'm starting to get embarrassed for the attention I'm getting at my meetings because of the amount of weight I've lost. I'd like to just be like everyone else at the meeting. And I'm starting to feel like I've had this weight loss a little too easy. Like it hasn't been painful enough, or I haven't gone through enough deprivation to deserve my loss. And I kinda feel guilty around my friends who are bigger than me, like I've left them behind or something. That was always a concern of mine before I ever truly started lose weight and now I feel guilty. I mean I know I've had to make difficult choices to not eat certain things every day, and I know I've exercised even when I didn't want to (not as often as I should though). I know that reaching goal doesn't all the difficult choices any easier, that maintaining is hard too. I just worry that I'm not going to be able to keep it off, to maintain the loss. Do you ever feel like you'd just like a vacation from not having to think about what you are, or are not, going to eat every day? I don't mean license to eat anything, just the ability to not have to count points or fit in enough water, or anything. Just feel like I'm going to have to do this for the rest of my life and it is starting to wear on me. I know I've just totally contradicted myself. Has anyone else had these kinds of conflicted feelings?

Tapas!

Hey there. This was a fun weekend. My friend came down from New York for a short visit. She got in on Friday and I just took her to the train a few hours ago. We basically just hung out at the pool and had nice dinners. She treated me to a great tapas restaurant not far from me. It was lovely. We had chorizo with mashed potatoes, scallops in a red sauce . . . I was definitely off plan that night. I thought I would be bummed that I didn't stay on plan, but actually I think it was good for me. I didn't over eat, I wasn't stuffed, but I had a little bit of everything. It's nice to enjoy good food that's worth the extra points, even if the weekend did put me over my flex points for the week. I don't plan on having meals like that on a regular basis, but every once in a while I think is okay. If I'm up this week at my weigh-in, so be it (which I assume I will be). At least I'll know why I was up.

Still having trouble motivating myself to exercise. I think I have myself convinced to do my DVD tomorrow morning before I start my job search work and then go to the pool in the afternoon. And who knows, if the pool is quiet, maybe I'll be able to get in a few laps!

Hope you all had a nice weekend!

Let's Celebrate! 59.8 big ones!

Okay, so I had my WW weigh-in today. I *only* lost 2 lbs. last week. I needed to lose 2.2 lbs. to reach 60 lbs. lost today. I know, cry me a river. I am actually quite thrilled with my loss and I think 59.8 lbs. feels just as good as 60 lbs. would have.

I mentioned to my wonderful meeting leader, Melvin, that I need to set a goal. The 141 you see on my ticker up above is what I have been working towards, but it was just an arbitrary number I picked because it was the top end of a height/weight chart I found on the internet. For example, WW says the top end of my weight range is 146. Go figure. So he said we could talk next week about setting a number. I'm scared because I've had this 83 lb. goal in my head since last August, and now I'm thinking of making the journey longer, but I just don't know if I'm going to be satisfied with being at the upper end of my weight range. Not that there's anything wrong with it, I just don't know how I'll feel. I'm thinking maybe the 130's are where I want to be. I think my sister weighs 115-120 lbs., she's 5'2" and she's skinny. I honestly do not want to be that skinny. First, I wouldn't be being true to myself or my self-image at that weight and second, I don't think it would be worth the sacrifices I'd need to make to maintain it. But, when do you decide how much weight to lose and can you decide you haven't lost enough? I guess what I'm saying is . . .

How do you know when you've lost *enough* weight?


P.S. I know I have been doing horribly on the exercise front. I am trying to start Kim's 100 day challenge, but I have been failing miserably. (Kim, I'm sorry, I have been no use to you so far ! :) I just told my friend Megan that I was going to try the swim club on Monday. I don't know if that was a lie or not seeing as I won't be able to do it again after Monday since Wednesday is July 4th and the following week Water Aerobics starts! (Yah Water Aerobics!) I know I should stop staying I'll try to do things and just commit to doing them. I suck. I really think I'd feel better if I got regular exercise. I just so freakin' lazy! I do much better with scheduled classes than being left to my own devices.

Interview Update

Hey guys, so I had my screening interview today with the "big national retailer." It turned out that the recruiter only handles jobs in merchandising, but it became apparent from my answers to her questions that I want a job in marketing which is 100% true (I focused on marketing in school, I was a graduate teaching assistant with the marketing department, I have 9 years of experience in advertising and marketing ...) She was very nice about it, and in some ways this was part of the point of the interview - to discover if we were a match. So, the interview only lasted about 20 minutes. But ... she said she would pass my resume along to a marketing recruiter and see if they had any jobs available in marketing! She also said that it might take her a few days, but that she'd get back to me by the end of the week. Hey, no problem - she's doing me a favor! So, I think she must have been interested, or she wouldn't have offered to pass me along. One of the questions I asked her was what is the hiring process. She said that the first round is an in-depth phone interview with a recruiter (which would have been today). Then, if you get passed that you are invited to the corporate headquarters in middle America for a full day of interviews. At that point they usually make a decision, but sometimes you are called back for a second round of on-site interviews. Pretty intense! I just hope I make it that far. I'm kinda bummed that I closed the door on the job she was recruiting for. I am curious about it, but I don't want her to think that I'm settling if the marketing group doesn't have any positions. I'll keep you posted if anything happens with this company in the future. Thanks for the well wishes!

I weigh-in at WW tomorrow. Fingers crossed that I hit 60 lbs. lost tomorrow night. It's a stretch - I'd need to lose 2.2 lbs. in one week, but it feasible, right?! :)

Weekend Update

Hey there, I actually did my CardioScuplt DVD on Friday morning. I know, it's shocking! I set a really low goal for myself of 60 minutes of exercise this week. Let's see if I can manage to motivate myself to actually do the d*mn DVD again!

I have good news. An executive recruiter for a high-profile national company called me for a screening interview! It's my first interview since I started applying for jobs in March! I'm very excited, but I'm trying to keep it in perspective and not make too much of a big deal about it. I've been networking with a couple of alums from my undergraduate university and one of them passed my resume along to this recruiter. (I would network with alums from my grad school, but the university's alumni directory sucks big time and it's a regional school so there aren't many alums in other parts of the country where I am applying for jobs. My goal is to move out of this area.) I'll let you know how the screening process goes.

My eating goal this week is to only use 3 flex points a day. If I earn activity points, I can use those too. I don't know if I'm going to reach this goal, but since I only lost 20% of 1 pound last week I want to get back on track. Even if I use more than 3 points a day, I'll still probably use less flex points than I normally do.

Enjoy the remainder of the weekend. I'll be prepping for my interview tomorrow on my laptop in the shade at the pool :)

25 lbs. From my Goal!

Hey guys! Yep, that's right. My ticker says that I'm only 25 lbs. from my goal! I'm so excited. I know it will take a while to get there, ( I *only* lost 0.2 lbs. this week, but hey, I'll take that!)but it is so gratifying to see what looks like a manageable amount of weight left to lose. Someone at my WW meeting tonight got their Lifetime Membership Certificate. How cool is that! I had never seen someone reach lifetime before, so it was inspiring.

I decided to sign-up for Deep Water Aerobics again. (Thanks for your comments.) It doesn't start until July 9th, which is a bummer, but I think I made the right decision. I'm still going to check out the swim club, but I really enjoyed water aerobics and I missed it.

I was talking with my therapist and she asked me what other bloggers felt about their self-esteem related to weight-loss when they are going through stressful periods, like looking for a job. She seems to think that it is possible that the reason why I'm not enjoying my weight loss more is because I am facing all kinds of rejections during my job search. What do you guys think?

I haven't been exercising lately, and I've been feeling lousy. Tomorrow I am DEFINITELY going to do my CardioSculpt DVD in the morning. No excuses! I've got 25 lbs. of motivation :)

In the Deep End

So I had a couple non-scale victories last week . I went out to dinner with a friend a couple times last week. We went out late - around 9pm - since she wanted to go to the gym after work (good for her!). Both times it was a last minute decision to go out, so I had already eaten dinner. Both times I declined ordering any food and just sipped a beer or water. In the past, I totally would have at least ordered an appetizer, if not a full second dinner. She said she didn't mind and that it didn't make her uncomfortable. I believe her because: 1) she was ravenous both times and totally into her food and not what I was eating or not eating and 2) she knows I'm trying to watch what I eat and not over-eat. I don't plan on making this a habit, since part of going out to dinner is sharing the eating experience, but it's nice to know I can decline food when I'm in that situation.

I contacted the point person for the master's swim club in my area. She's mailing me a pass for 3 free sessions. I love that they are letting me "test drive" the club before committing to it. I think it will be $50-$60 to pay for the club dues for a year and the annual dues for the national organization. That's a lot when you are living on student loans. And I most likely will not be in the area for an entire year so I really want to know that I can do this before I commit money to it. I'm also thinking about doing deep water aerobics next month instead. It's only 5 weeks (2x per week) and it runs about the same amount of money. I'm not sure which one to do. I'm intrigued by the challenge of the swim club, but water aerobics is a no-brainer and something I really enjoy and I quite like the social interaction. I won't get that from the swim club and I desparately need it now that school is out and I can go a whole day without talking to anyone besides the cashier at the grocery store. What do you guys think?

I'm Not on a Schedule

So things have been very non-weight loss focused in my life for the past few days. I have been doing a lot for my job search (not that I'm not doing that all the time, but I don't usually write about it) and I've tried to get myself on a schedule at home. I haven't been paying my bills on time. Well, that's not totally true. I have them all on auto-pay through my checking account, so the utilities are fine, but it hasn't been set up to pay the credit cards enough, so I have been getting finance charges! My own fault. I turned off all the auto-pays and now I'm paying them as they come in, like I used to do when God was a boy. I have also been following this "home keeping" schedule:

Monday:
* Take out trash and recycling
* Do laundry

Tuesday:
* Go to grocery store
* Do errands

Wednesday:
* Clean apartment

Thursday:
* Do odd jobs
* Take out trash and recycling

I know, it's lame, but I want to stick to some sort of schedule since I'm not working. Then I am going to try to layer in my exercise DVDs (I can't seem to walk past the beautiful pool to the gym in my apartment complex, so it looks like I won't be using the gym until the pool closes :) Did I tell you all that I'm doing part-time work for my department at school over the summer? I think it is just going to be for June, but keep your fingers crossed that they have work for me in July too. This job search thing is really kicking my a**. I haven't had this hard of a time looking for a job since I graduated from undergrad, and then I was living with my parents and they were basically paying my bills (only for about 9 months, then I was self-sufficient once I got my job in NYC.) I've been doing a lot of networking, so hopefully something will pop.

I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to feel once I reach my goal weight. I don't think I'm going to feel much different than I feel now, which isn't so good. I think part of my problem is that I've been thinking about how long I lived with all the weight and how much time I wasted "hiding." I know not everyone uses weight as a protective barrier, but I have and still do. It makes me sad to think about how I could have been living life all those years. But the truth is that I could have been having a great time at the size I was, I just didn't feel good about myself. Truth is, 50 lbs. later, I still don't feel that good about myself. I've started talking with my old therapist from NYC again over the phone. I'm hoping she can help me find my way. I guess you could say that I'm not really on schedule for feeling good about my weight loss yet. I haven't caught up yet.

P.S. I don't know how you all feel about the Dixie Chicks, but I love them. (One lovely friend told me I look like Natalie Maines. A terrific compliment because Natalie is beautiful, but I think my friend is on crack because I look nothing like her.) I just watched the documentary Shut Up & Sing and it was fabulous, I highly recommend it.

Thinks that Make You Go Hmmm

Thanks to KL @ "YAWN to Come Hither" for tagging me for the "Thinking Blogger Award!" That is soooo nice of you to say. It makes me feel awesome that the stuff I write about means something to you!

Here are the rules for the "Thinking Blogger Award":

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.

Okay, so it was incredibly hard to pick only 5 blogs, and I purposely didn't mention KL's "YAWN to Come Hither" (even though I read it 5x a week), or any of the blogs she mentioned in her list, (even though I wanted to because they are great!) because I wanted other fabulous blogs to get some attention too. My apologies if I didn't include your blog. I hated having to choose because there are so many of you out there that make me think!

In no particular order:
1. Weight of My World by JessiferSeabs
2. Patience by Angelfish24
3. Yet Another Weight Watchers Blog by Jen
4. Lily Loss Lbs. by LilyT
5. Baby Steps V by Vickie

I weighed-in tonight and I have great news - I'm in a new decade! I'm at 168.2 lbs. That number looks surreal. I'm having a hard time accepting that I've lost so much weight. It doesn't seem real, but then I check the size of the clothes I am wearing, or a surreptitiously step on a scale besides the WW ones, and I am reminded that I have, in fact, lost the weight. I don't see myself as any different when I look in the mirror, except when I'm wearing a bathing suit, then I notice a difference from last summer. This whole weight loss thing is a weird thing to go through. It shouldn't really change your life (it doesn't make you any more of a valuable or love-able person) but it's a big change in some ways if you've been overweight for years. I guess I'm not articulating myself very well tonight. I guess what I'm saying is that even though I've lost all this weight, I still feel overweight. I don't really feel any different. On a day-to-day basis, I don't think I feel better about myself. I don't think I have more self-esteem. Okay, I enjoyed wearing the little black dress to graduation, but that was a one shot deal. Truthfully, even though I hadn't fit into it in years, when I looked at myself in the mirror I didn't look as good as I remember thinking I did when I first bought it in 1997. Kinda sad. Has anyone ever felt this way?

Home Sweet Home

Hey all, I'm back home. I arrived at midnight last night. It's good to be back in my lovely, huge apartment after staying with my friend in her tiny studio apartment. I forgot how small things are in New York. The networking went well. I had 7 meetings last Thursday and discussed my job search with other friends that I saw and they are going to put feelers out for me too. One thing I realized, which surprised me, I don't HAVE to move back to New York. I liked being there, but I didn't have the pull I've had on my previous trips to move back. If it happens, great, if it doesn't, I am sure I'll be happy wherever I land.

I thought I had done okay food wise, but when I plugged what I ate into the WW online points tracker I realized I went over my flex points by 26 points! I thought Thursday would be considered last week, and I forgot that it is the first day of my WW week, not my last day. I was really hoping to not go up on my next weigh-in. I'll be only using my daily points Monday-Thursday, and I get weighed-in on Thursday evenings. I plan to do my CardioSculpt DVD Monday-Thursday as well (I have no excuse not to!). So, it will be a crap shoot to see whether or not I maintained from last Tuesday, or if I'm up. I really hope I'm not up, but I don't really deserve to be down. This yo-yo-ing up and down week-to-week is really discouraging, even though I only have myself to blame.

I have to say that it is tough to eat healthy in New York. I will admit to some poor choices, but the menus do not give a lot of healthy options. Their fish dishes are covered in butter (which I asked for on the side). Lots of places don't even have light beer on the menu. (I did well on the not-drinking front. I did drink some, but very little compared to what I drank over graduation week.) If I move back there I am going to have to learn how to order in those restaurants. I ordered fajitas, which I eat without the tortilla shells. They gave me like 5 tiny little pieces of peppers and onions and a sea of beans covered in cheese. I did get a little bit of lettuce, tomato and onion, but not a lot. And they butchered the portobello mushrooms. Go figure.

On the friend front, everyone just treated me like they normally do. They mentioned my weight loss when they first saw me, but otherwise, they didn't ask any questions. It was nice to see that they won't be treating me any differently. What was different was going into BCBGMaxAzria and being able to try on their large size clothes and actually fitting into them! I mean, I have no intention of buying a $190 dress, but it was fun to try it on! Wearing a suit that I could actually button across my chest was really cool too. Now one of my non-scale goals is to be able to wear a regular bath towel "tied" around my chest in my apartment after I take a shower. I've been using beach towels for years and I'd love to be able to use just a regular towel. They look so tiny though. Dare to dream.

I'm in a New York State of Mind

Hey there, I weighed-in today at WW instead of Thursday because I am going to New York tomorrow (more on that later). I lost the 4.6 lbs. I gained last week. I didn't mean to lose all of it in like less than a week (I think the WW scales are a little f*'d up). I did eat this week. I even used 9 of my flex points in addition to my daily points allowance since last Thursday. The most important thing is that I only had one beer since last week. I think that really helped. I TOTALLY missed my exercise goal. I only managed to do 30 minutes. There's really no excuse. I totally had the time. I just had a major motivation issue - basically, I had none. I'm having a difficult time getting used to not being accountable to anyone or anything. It makes accomplishing things difficult. Any tips from people out there who have had to deal with something like that? I mean I have no husband, kids, roommate, pet, or plant. I have no job. I don't have any classes. I do have a hobby, but I haven't sewn in over two years (although I did hem a pair of pants and alter a skirt last night, but when you used to make handbags and quilts, that doesn't really count.) So, motivational tips would be much appreciated.

I know, it sounds like a vacation, but it is weird and disorienting to not have a purpose. I have thought about getting a part-time job, but I've decided against it because I know how I'll get - I'll be so concerned about doing a good job that be consumed by it and I'll slack off on my job search. And really, any part-time job I get isn't going to help that much on the money front, so its best I work instead on spending as little money as possible. However, I have asked the associate chair of the department at school whether or not any of the professors need part-time help this summer. The school only 10 minutes away and I'd be, hopefully, working on topics related to what I want to do for work, so it might be worthwhile. I'll let you know if it works out.

So, I'm going to New York tomorrow to do some informational interviewing and networking. I have coffee with an alum tomorrow afternoon, 5! meetings on Thursday, and a lunch with an old colleague/friend on Friday. I might also be having drinks or coffee with some other old colleagues. One of my good friend's birthday's is next week, so I think we are going to have a little celebration while I'm in town, but she has a 5 month old, so it won't be anything crazy.

Not only am I nervous about all my meetings, but I'm also nervous about seeing old friends and colleagues. The last time I saw many of these people was 25 lbs. ago. Other people I haven't seen since I started my epic weight loss journey. I recently met up with someone I haven't seen since my internship last summer (before I started to lose weight) and she kept going on and on about how "skinny" I had become. It was annoying, because I'm obviously not skinny. (She also thought back in last August that it was impossible for me to lose 52 lbs. in 52 weeks, so it was nice that I silently knew I had accomplished that.) So, if she's any indication of how people are going to treat me I don't know how I'm going to feel while I'm in New York. I'm very apprehensive. I don't want it to all be about what I look like. That's not what this trip is about, not that I want any trip to be about that. The good thing is that none of the meetings on Thursday are with people who knew me before I lost weight. That way I can just focus on my ideas and not my appearance.

I can't believe its 9pm already. I have a million things to do. I'll post next Monday and let you all know how it went. Keep your fingers crossed that I stay on plan! Doing that away from home is always a challenge for me.

Take care,

Trixie

The Good, The Bad & The Little Black Dress

I did it! Graduation was Monday and I officially have my master's! It was about a week of parties and happy hours and visiting with family - my parents came in from Las Vegas, which I think is so sweet because it was totally unnecessary, but made the whole event feel more special. The majority of my food choices were good ones (although I did have veggie quesadillas, chicken fingers and a mini cupcake one night! oops!), but I did drink beer pretty much every day for 6 days in a row. As a result, I blew my flex points out of the water. I think I ate and drank 50 more flex points than my 35 allotted. Wow! I made an effort to journal everything because I knew I'd be up this week, so I wanted to have firm proof of why, and I have it. I am officially up 4.6 lbs. since last Thursday. I'm bummed because it puts me back under 50 lbs. lost, but I know I can get back there an a few weeks. My short-term goal is to not gain any weight during my trip to New York next week. It's going to be tough, but I think I can do it if I make wise choices and only drink a little bit.

But lest you think last week was all bad news, I had two good non-scale victories. First, I exercised for 90 minutes last week. I finally did that CardioSculpt video I've been jabbering about for weeks. It is great! I think I am going to buy it (I have it out from Netflix.) And I went to the gym and rode the bike for 30 minutes. It was a total of 30 minutes more than my goal of 60 minutes for the week, so I am happy. And my real non-scale victory was that I wore a little black dress and fabulous peep toe pumps to graduation under my gown. There was a reception afterwards where everyone got to see my dress. What is so validating is that the last time I wore that dress was at a friend's wedding - in 1997! And it wasn't tight or anything! It felt great to feel like I looked good for a change. There weren't many photos taken, but I'll see if there's a good one of me in the dress and post it ;)

Oh, and I just want to thank everyone for their insightful, and at times humorous, comments about my botched attempt at a kiss. Here's the update ... I saw him twice since the debacle (at the reception and then at a party Tuesday night) and I think I caught him looking at me (I made sure I looked gooood both times), but it could have been my imagination. At both events we successfully avoided talking to each other and now that the graduation celebrations have come to an end the next time I will likely see him is some time far into the future at a class reunion. He turned out to be the best person to have this happen with since I never have to see him again! And it seems like he didn't mention anything to his friends. If he did, and someone says something to me in the future, at least I won't have to go to class the next day and be embarrassed. I don't know if I'll ever make the first move again in the future. But this time it was definitely his loss! Because I have been told that I'm a really good kisser! :)

"Beer Balls"

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments! It made me feel so good to hear from you all.

So, I must say that this week was very uneventful health-wise. I did not make my exercise goal, hell, I didn't even exercise once! I have reduced my goal to just 60 minutes for next week hoping that I can at least do the CardioSculpt DVD twice.

While health-wise it was a boring week, school-wise it was very exciting ... I'm DONE! I had my last class and presentation on Tuesday evening and I just, minutes ago, emailed my professor my last paper. It is over! It feels both good and scary. Good because it has been an interesting two years, scary because I don't have a job yet, or even a good lead on one. But I'm going to a big city in a few weeks for an informational interviewing/networking trip (and to see some friends) so hopefully that will kick-start things into gear.

I did have something crappy happen to me, but I'm trying not to dwell on it. I was at a bar with a bunch of people from school and we were all drinking. After the 5th or 6th beer, (I know, I know, it's a lot, but it was over the span of 5 hours and I don't drink that often) one of my classmates started to look pretty cute, so I texted him (because he was across the table from me). He answered back and for about 90 minutes we were texting. Then the evening came to an end and I had already said I wasn't driving home b/c I had had too much to drink and was going to sleep on a friend's couch, but then I had the brilliant idea that he could drive me home b/c he lives in my town. He said he would, no problem. So we are chatting the whole way and then got to my apartment. I kissed him on the cheek for being nice and driving me home and he smiled, so I went to kiss him for real and he TURNED AWAY! I think I said something to the effect of "you f*cking asshole" and slammed the car door shut. I am like, how did I mis-read the signals so badly? It totally seemed like he was interested. But now that I type this I am starting to think that I totally read something into the situation that wasn't there. We have flirted before, but nothing ever happened. I just feel like such a dork and he is TOTALLY going to tell his friends about this. That being said, I don't know what I saw in him if he's the kind of person who would do that. Actually I do, I'm only interested in him when I've been drinking. Nice, huh. So, basically I am completely incompetent when it comes to guys and shallow. I told one of my friends this story and she said I had "beer balls" for making the first move. I had never heard that one before, but it made me laugh. Actually, writing this down has made me feel better. Maybe now I can stop beating myself up over it.

So just remember, if you are ever looking for advice about guys - take anything I say worth a grain of salt!

Lottery Numbers: 50.2 - 29.8 - 23

Okay, so here's my big news ... I've officially lost over 50 lbs.! I just got weighed-in tonight and I am down 50.2 lbs.! It really caught me off guard. I've been worried about school and my job search, my friends and my family, so I wasn't expecting this. Secretly I think this week's loss was partially because I was wearing pants instead of jeans, but if I can keep it off through next week, so be it! I got misty at my WW meeting. People were so sweet and came up to me afterwards to congratulate me and ask me for tips. Ask me for tips! I couldn't believe it! I feel like I just started this journey. I wasn't expecting 50 to mean so much to me, but I kind of want to buy a piece of jewelry to commemorate the event. Maybe once I have a job and I'm not living off of student loans.

So, more good news ... I am officially no longer "obese." I have a BMI of 29.8 and "overweight" is supposed to be 29.9. I can't believe it. This is a non-scale victory I have really been looking forward to. I feel vindicated after all of the doctor's who have been so insensitive to me about my weight over the past 10 years. If they had been more supportive, instead of so punitive, maybe I would have done this sooner.

And lastly, WW etools had me re-calculate my points. I'm now down to 23. I think I started with 26 in August 2006. It's kinda scary. I don't know if I can do it. I've been trying not to blow it, but I have been having a hard time. What I really need to do is start getting back into the exercise routine now that water aerobics has been over for a few weeks. I still have the CardioSculpt video from Netflix that hasn't been taken out of the envelope. I can blame it on school and the job search, but the truth is, I could have made the time to work out. I think it will help with my stress level too. I called my old therapist and had a session with her last week. It was really good to talk with her. There's a lot of stuff going on in my life and the lives of the people around me and its just starting to get overwhelming. I'm going to talk with her again next week. I don't know how I'm going to pay for this, but hopefully everything will work out. I should have gotten that job at Starbucks back in January. Oh well, my mom said that hindsight is 20/20.

It's past my bedtime and I have a group meeting for school in the morning. Yet another presentation to write. Then I'm meeting my sister for lunch, which should be fun. Take care! Trixie

Old Navy Doesn't Respect Larger Women

I was just reading a post over at Pasta Queen and discovered that Old Navy is pulling their size 22-26 clothes out of their stores and making them available only online. I think is is disrespectful and a bad business decision, but Pasta Queen puts her dissatisfaction much more eloquently than I do, so visit her blog ... http://pastaqueen.com

I did write a disgruntled email to Old Navy and told them that the least they could do is make shipping free for the sizes they don't (won't) carry in their stores. Pasta Queen conveniently posted the customer service email, toll free number and mailing address for the jerks at Old Navy.

There's also a petition to stop Old Navy from doing this at ... http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/224525614?ltl=1178301217

I like their t-shirts, but not enough to keep shopping somewhere that discriminates against beautiful, vibrant women who want to buy their clothes.

Just Do It

Thanks for all the good advice! I am always impressed by and drawn to people who exude confidence, whether they are smaller or larger than me. But I've always wondered how the people who are my size or bigger do it. I need to figure out a way to find that confidence within myself. And I guess that's the key - I'm going to find it within myself, not by looking in the mirror. Some days I might like what I see and some days I might not, but I need to be able to close my eyes when my head hits the pillow at night and know that I have value and that I'm an attractive person - inside and out. Here's to wishing me luck on that journey. I'm sure I'll be talking about it more as time goes on.

I had talked about going to the gym today and reading for school while I was on the bike to a friend of mine last night. When I woke up late today I had enough time to the gym before class, but I was going to blow it off. I just didn't feel like it. Then I read my emails and I found one titled "Just Do It" from my friend from last night. I have recently been sharing some of my feelings from my weight loss journey with her. I'm not going to bore you with the beginning of the email, here's the key part ...

"...And just in case you need some encouragement to read on the bike ... As our esteemed brand Nike would say, "just do it." Hopefully that didn't fall into the category of annoying encouragement, just thinkin about you."

My initial gut reaction was, damn, my instincts were right, I shouldn't have shared my weight loss goals with her. Now I have to be accountable to someone else! I don't think I have ever really gotten encouragement to work out before, so I wasn't sure how to react. Then I started to think about it and realized how great it was that she took the risk and emailed me. And I started to think about how well being accountable to Weight Watchers each week is working for me. It turned out that I really needed a push this morning and her email showed me that someone cared about my goals and was listening to me. I ended up going to the gym, and I was happy that I did. I also made a point to thank her when I saw her in class today. Maybe confiding in some of my friends about my weight loss goals isn't such a bad thing after all.

The Reign of the Size 2's

I had dinner and drinks with my friend who just broke up with her boyfriend tonight. She was in pretty good spirits, as she has been throughout this process. She puts up a good front. She started talking about relationships. She's had a steady stream of relationships over the years. I asked her how much time she's spent alone. She came up with something like 6-8 weeks. Weeks! I asked her how she met these men and she said that they just fall into her life when she's not looking (when does she have time to look, I ask you?). She's about a size 0 or a size 2. Granted she's 5'2", but still, I'm 5'4". I'm jealous. She doesn't seem to realize that what she looks like has a lot to do with the attention she has gotten over the years.

When I ask her about my issues with dating, she's sitting there telling me I need to walk into a bar like I own the place and that I'm more attractive than any other woman in the room. How in the world can I do that when I am gigantic compared to her? She said that she is just naturally sort of flirty. I wanted to say that at my weight I'm not allowed to be flirty, but I couldn't. I just couldn't be that vunerable with her. I know that many of you out there are amazing women with great self confidence and are flirty. But I've always gotten shit for trying to be flirty at a larger size. I've pretty much been told to my face, "who do you think you are?"
And when I say larger size, I mean size 12 for God's sake (back before I gained a lot, but not all, of my weight)! It has made me very self-conscious in "co-ed" situations. I feel like I'm not attractive enough to be flirting with any of the guys.

Even so, one thing I am doing to feel good about my accomplishments is that for graduation I am wearing a short black dress that I've had for 10 years, but only recently fit into again, with peep-toe pumps. Totally not business-like, but I figure I have to wear the stupid cap and gown, so I can wear whatever I want to underneath it. Let those guys with their "hot lists" I am definitely not on, who didn't give me a second thought for two years, eat their hearts out and realize what they are going to miss out on. F*ck 'em!

6-pack (of Sam Adams Light) abs

Hey there,

So this has felt like a busy week. Time has just flown by. I feel like the scale has a mind of its own. Last week, when I wasn't being particularly good, I lost 3 pounds. This week, when I had 25 extra flex points left, I only lost 0.4 pounds. Oh well. I'm really not that fired up about it. I figure it will all work out in the end. It seems a little strange to be so calm about it. Maybe its also because I know that I drank two 6-packs of Sam Adams Light this week (a total of 24 points). I mean I spaced it over the 7 day period, but still, that is a good amount of beer. I do tend to have beer every week, but not necessarily that much. I think that's why I'm only down 0.4 lbs. I write this as I am drinking yet another bottle. I have been getting lax in my nutrition plan. I told myself I bought it because a friend of mine was spending the night and I didn't know if she wanted wine or beer, but I think I knew differently. Oh well. If I'm going to drink it, I guess I have to pay the price.

The friend that I mentioned is actually currently sleeping on my couch. Her boyfriend of a year broke up with her. She's one tough cookie, but she couldn't deal with being home alone tonight. I'm happy to have her. I've been spending a lot of time with her this week because they had already broken up once about a week ago and then it was officially final last night. I feel bad for her. I hate to say it, but I only kinda know how she feels. I've only had one boyfriend and that was when I was 19. That break up was tough, and I did the breaking up. I just remember sobbing in his dorm room while I told him it was over. He was a great guy. I was a fool. He's married now, but isn't everyone my age.

I did something monumental this weekend ... I cleaned out my closet. I moved my suits and good work clothes that no longer fit to the hall closet so that I can sell them at a consignment shop or give them to Dress for Success, a wonderful charity that always needs large sizes. They give women in need gently worn suits for job interviews. Their rule is that you should only donate what you would feel confident wearing in an interview. Their website is http://www.dressforsuccess.org/. I think I am going to give them to Dress for Success. It will make me feel better that someone in need is feeling special in my suits than if I get $25 bucks for them from a consignment shop. Anyway, I also cleared out all the pants that have holes in them (from my thighs rubbing together) and threw them away. And I piled up all the regular, everyday clothes that are too big. I was going to wait to give them to a thrift store, since I am moving in a few months, but I think I might do it this weekend. I have heard it is healthier to give away the sizes you grow out of so you aren't tempted to backslide. It is really weird to think I have gotten too small for some of my clothes. I'm looking at the pile right now. I don't know what to think. I've gotten used to getting larger, not smaller.

Water aerobics ended this week. I'm bummed. I was going to join the master's swim club at the university but they are only practicing in the outdoor pool at 6:30am until June 9th. I think I am going to wait to see if I'm still going to be in the area after June 9th before I join them. I am soooo not a morning person. I have a cardiosculpt aerobics video coming from Netflix. Now I just need to find my hand weights. I'm excited about it. I haven't done an aerobics DVD in a few months. It's good to change things up, whether you want to or not.

I hope you all are doing well this week. I am going to try to start to post more often, so don't be surprised if you see another post in a few days.

Take care!

Trixie

They Noticed!

Thanks to everyone for your comments. You made really good points about people who see me every day not noticing a gradual weight loss. And you reminded me that it isn't always a good thing for people to notice. Ironically, 4 people said things to me about my weight loss on Saturday, the day after my last post. The first was my psychiatrist. Then, I went to a party and one of my friend's boyfriend who hasn't seen me for a while was very complimentary - but not in an icky uncomfortable sort of way.

That was enough attention for me. Everything has gone back to normal and no one has said anything since Saturday. That makes me happy. As some of you said, when someone says you look wonderful after a weight loss it makes you think "What did you think about what I used to look like?" And that never turns out well.

So, I have good news . . . I've entered the 170's! 178.4 lbs. to be exact. I'm so surprised and excited. I got misty at my Weight Watchers meeting tonight. I can't believe I've lost so much weight. There was a woman there tonight who has lost 80 lbs., which is so great. I went over to talk with her after and she is super friendly. A little crazy, but aren't we all. We didn't end up talking about weight loss, just life in general.

So, according to the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute's BMI calculator, a BMI of over 30 is obese. My BMI is now 30.6. If I lose 3.6 more lbs. I'll have a BMI of 29.9 and I will then be "overweight"! Yeah! I never thought I'd be so excited to be overweight! :)

Friends

Hey there! I know it's been a while. Sorry if you've stopped by and I haven't had a new post in awhile. I've been tied up with school work and job search stuff. Nothing interesting to report. I'll let you know if I get any cool interviews. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

I've been wondering lately what's been missing in my life. I've checked to make sure I have my keys, I've made sure I know where my car is, but still I've been wondering. And I finally realized it tonight. I've missed my blog friends. I've missed you guys. I've missed visiting your blogs and being inspired. I've missed laughing and crying while ready about your adventures. And I've missed you stopping by here and leaving your supportive comments. I need to build in time in my schedule to make sure I keep blogging. This community is really important to me. :)

But on the topic of friends, I must say mine are starting to annoy me. I go to school with about 100 people. I'm not friends with everyone, but we all know each other to at least say hi, if not to have a beer together. Some of them I see everyday. Others I see every couple months. Can I tell you that only 2 of them have said anything about my weight loss. Only 2. Thankfully they have been super supportive and not pushed too much. But they are the only 2 who also know I'm doing WW. I have a group of about 5 pretty close girl friends (1 of the 2 people who know is in this group). None of the other ones have said anything remotely about it. We were talking in my WW meeting this week about managing people who ask about your weight loss and all the stupid things they say. And I said, "How do you manage it when people don't talk about your weight loss. Have they just not noticed?" And my meeting leader, dear sweet Melvin, said, "How much weight have you lost?" And I said, "Over 40 pounds." And he said, "Oh girl, they definitely noticed." So, why aren't they saying anything? They are all thinner than me. Is it that I haven't lost enough weight for them to be impressed? It is just starting to hurt my feelings that I have accomplished this big thing and they haven't said anything. I don't want to say that I think about it all the time, but I do think about it a couple times a week. Is it wrong for me to think they are kinda being jerks and insensitive?

Here's my secret. One of the excuses I used to use when I was overweight (well, I still am) was that I didn't want people to start paying attention to me when I lost weight and say things to me because I'd get self-conscious and be uncomfortable. I never told anyone that. Well isn't this irony because I have gotten what I wanted! :) No one is saying a thing.

Sorry to complain. I just needed to get it out. I feel better now. Now it's time for me to go visit your blogs! :)

And then she said, "Have a Thin Week!"

Okay, so I haven't posted in a week because I've been feeling super guilty. I was okay during my spring break in Vegas, but I wasn't really good. I was up when I weighed in there, which I expected, but if you recall in my last post I said I had come to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to be able to take the 1.6 pounds off in 1 week. Well, I weighed-in last Thursday and I was down ... 3.8 pounds! Craziness I tell you! Something must be wrong with the scales at my Weight Watchers because I did not do enought to be down that much. Maybe the Las Vegas scales overestimated how much I was up, but still. I get weighed in on Thursdays and I didn't start watching my points again until a week ago Sunday. So from Sunday-Thursday I was super good, but I only exercised for 120 minutes. I just don't think its fair I went down that much. So, I feel guilty. I feel like I don't deserve it. Like I got some special prize that everyone else who is working harder deserves, but didn't get. This week my goal is to just keep it off.

I'm also a little worried that I don't eat enough when I am "on plan". So I started to eat a little bit more, but trying to do it healthfully. Like eating another cup of vegetables or another small boneless, skinless chicken thigh at dinner, or another cup of Cheerios in the morning. We'll see what happens when I get weighed in on Thursday.

Okay, so you might be wondering what "Have a Thin Week" means. Well, when I left the Las Vegas Weight Watchers meeting that is what the trainee meeting leader said to me and my mother. Oh my! I thought she was insane! If my meeting leader said that to me I think I would find a new meeting. My mom also thought she was crazy. I guess Weight Watchers' personality varies from region to region. Mine is pretty laid back. Has anyone at Weight Watchers ever told you to "have a thin week"? Would it bother you?

Lucky Shoes

Hey there! I'm back home after my trip to Vegas. Things have been crazy busy, as I know they are for all of you. I'm trying to balance homework, classes, exercise, job search, group projects, and a minor social life. I can't imagine how those of you with children manage to keep it all together! My hat is off to you!

I got weighed-in on Thursday last week. I'm up 1.6 pounds. I'm not too upset. I really wasn't making great choices and I'm embarrassed to admit that for the first time since I started journaling, I stopped recording what I ate and drank! I found if I don't do it every day, or every other day, I just don't do it. I'm going to go back in my WW etools and try to fill in the blanks, but I have accepted that I'm going to have two partially incomplete weeks. One thing I must admit, I want to lose those 1.6 pounds by Thursday at my next weigh-in. I think I'm crazy now that I write it. It's pretty impossible since I will only have time to exercise today, tomorrow and Wednesday. Okay, reality check enabled. It will take me 2 weeks to take off the 1.6 pounds, not 1. I think I can handle that.

I'm very excited. I realized today that graduation is in 56 days! That means classes end even sooner! I am really excited, but also a little sad. I will miss seeing my friends and taking water aerobics, and of course it has been a very interesting and challenging 2 years. And then there's the practical concern of finding a job since the money I get from student loans runs out around the end of July! Eeek!

And for those of you who were excited about my new shoes, I found a picture on the internet of one pair. They are cuter in person and look really good with dark jeans. I wore them to the casino twice and was lucky both nights! :)

Nobody's Perfect

Hey there! I'm writing this in Vegas at my parents' house. I've been here since Friday and it has been great! The weather has been awesome - mid 80's, sunny and breezy. I've been pretty busy visiting with them, doing school work and applying for jobs.

My exercise has been okay - I went hiking again with my mom and her 50+ hiking group on Saturday morning. It was challenging. The heat made it harder than I remember it being in January, but I made it. Those 60-year-olds kicked my ass on the hike! I got tan lines from my tank top :) Today I went to the gym and road the bike for 45 minutes. I didn't have it on high enough resistance so it wasn't too challenging, but I guess it was better than just sitting on my ass! :) Tomorrow I am trying my mom's pilates DVD because the wind is supposed to be bad and I shouldn't be walking outside. Bummer.

My eating and drinking haven't been great. But I haven't gone off the deep end. I've made basically good choices and my portions have been good, but I have been eating a little bit of everything, that's my problem. My mom has been really supportive and suggested that it is okay to not be so strict all the time. That in order for my eating habits to be sustainable I need to give myself a break every once in a while. (I type this as I am nursing a rum and Diet Coke.) I'd like to believe her, but I still feel guilty for not staying on plan. It is so much easier to manage my weight when I am living alone. But when I am eating with other people it is so tempting to make the wrong choice. I am starting to understand the challenges all of you living with spouses/boyfriends/roommates/families are dealing with. I have even more respect for you all than I did before! But I am still definitely going to Weight Watchers to get weighed-in on Thursday. I know I'll be up, I'm always up when I come to Vegas, but that's okay. It's one week in the course of a long journey.

On a separate note, my parents, as usual, have been super wonderful about my weight. They made nice comments about noticing my weight loss when I arrived. Otherwise they just treat me like they always have. Well, that's not totally true, my dad, who does most of the cooking, asks me considerate questions about what kinds of things I can/will eat and portion sizes. But there's no judging. And there was no judging when I was 38.6 lbs. heavier. They are wonderful. I don't think I will ever be a parent, but if I am, or have occasion to be around children, I hope I am as supportive as they have been to me! (If you're reading this, thanks mom!)

On a separate girlie note, I bought two pairs of kick-ass shoes this weekend. Think black satin peep-toe 4" pumps and gunmetal grey strappy sandals with about 3-1/2" heels. I need the first pair for interviews with creative luxury brand companies and the second pair were on sale and too cool for school! I guess you could call them my reward for my weight loss so far.

Waterworld

Things have been crazy this week! Life has been so much easier in grad school than in the real world that I had almost forgotten what stress feels like. Well it came back in full force on Wednesday! (I better get used to it because that's what life is going to be like all the time once I graduate.) The day started with me waking up at 9:14am and needing to be at school for a class at 9:30am! The good thing was that I had water aerobics at the end of the day. It was so wonderful. A great recovery of my mental and physical energy. And I did the whole class without the buoyancy belt. We all, including the instructor, wear these floatation belts to help keep us treading water in depths of about 9-10 feet. I forgot to put mine on and couldn't understand why after 6 weeks the exercises seemed harder. Then I remembered the belt, but decided to just give it a shot and do the class without it. I felt more tired at the end, but it was a great feeling. The next 6 week set of classes start after spring break and I am going to do that entire set without the belt. I'm psyched!

I was pretty successful at adding more water to my daily diet. I'd say I drank about 40 oz. of water every other day. Now I just need to get in the habit of doing it every day. I find I like drinking water out of those overpriced plastic bottles instead of a cup or a glass, even at home. So I've been refilling those plastic bottles and carrying them with me. It's working so far.

Today was my weigh-in and I'm down 1.2 lbs. this week. I checked my long-term goals chart and it looks like I'm still on track for all my milestones ("1/2-way to goal", "no longer obese by graduation", etc.). That makes me happy, but as you know I'm trying to concentrate more on how I feel than on what the scale or the clothes say. And I've been feeling really good, even though my total amount of exercise this week was pretty low and I ate fried eggplant today (yum-eee)! I'm a little nervous that I'm not going to get in any exercise when I'm in Las Vegas next week for spring break (at my parents). I'm planning on taking a 45 minute walk each day. The weather should be beautiful so I won't have any excuses.

I hope you are all doing well and in a good place. I haven't been to many blogs this week because of a ton of school work, so I'll be checking out what you've been up to this weekend. Take care! Trixie

Half Empty or Half Full?

Hey there, how's it going today? I had a lovely day. I slept in super late (I'm too embarrassed to tell you when I got out of bed), I checked email and did a little research for class, did low-impact aerobics DVD (only had time for 25 minutes of it), showered and did my hair and put on decent clothes and then left for class. We had a guest lecturer who had worked at a start-up. She was very interesting and taught a pretty good class. Afterwards I approached her and asked if she'd be willing to meet me for coffee sometime and discuss her career. She said yes, yeah! Then I left for Weight Watchers. I got to the meeting late, it had already started when I was waiting in line to weigh-in. I hate that, but what are you going to do. I'm down 2.8 lbs. this week - yeah! So I am squarely in the 180's. I'm excited because I am only 4.1 lbs. away from my halfway point to goal weight of losing 83 lbs. In some ways it makes this process seem really daunting, like "I have another 41.5 lbs. to lose, ugh!" But in other ways it is really inspiring, like "Look what I did!" I guess it's just deciding whether the glass is half-empty or half-full.

After talking with my friend this week and having a long conversation with my mom last night, I have decided that I am going to actively work to spend less time thinking about what I look like and spend more time on what I think and feel. That doesn't mean I am going to exercise any less, or eat worse (in fact, my meeting leader challenged us to work on the area we aren't very good at this week and mine is water consumption, so I am going to get healthier!), or spend less time doing my hair and making sure I look nice. I'm just going to stop trying on all my old clothes at night and dreaming of when I'm going to fit into them and what I'm going to look like. Instead I am going to spend more of my free time working on assignments for school and applying for jobs. There is this really interesting position at a company in New York I'm interested in. It has all the elements I'm looking for: management of a team, strategic work and the opportunity to be creative. I spent about an hour with a career counselor at school tailoring my resume and a cover letter to the position. I'm going to finish it up tomorrow and send it off. Then I'm going to reach out to the people in my network to see if they know anyone at that company. Wish me luck!

How was your day today?

How Did I Get So Screwed Up?

I had an interesting conversation with a close friend today. She is very wise and I value her thoughts and opinions.

I told her that in the past I had avoided losing weight because I didn't want to turn my back on the "sisterhood". I didn't want to say, I don't want to belong to that group any more, I want to be on the thin side of the playground. Until my conversation with her today, I haven't worried that I was doing that with this weight loss journey. By losing weight, am I saying that I'm not attractive at the weight I am today? at the weight I was 3 months ago? at 223.8 pounds? Am I saying that today I don't deserve success, love, affection, attention, friendship, a good parking space, the door opened for me, a free drink at a bar, but that I will deserve them when I reach my goal weight? I don't want to be saying that. I don't want to believe that, but part of me, I HATE to admit it, does believe all that. I haven't cried in months, but as I type this my eyes are welling up with tears. I'm a terrible person.

She said that if I'm losing weight to be healthy, that I am not saying any of those things, but if I am losing weight to be a certain size, or to fit into a certain dress, I am saying those things. Last night I tried on a dress that hasn't fit in years and dreamed of the day that it will. I even tried it on with two different pairs of heels to see which one looked better. I am going through this weight loss journey because I want to change my life and I want to be healthy, but DAMN IT!, I am also doing this to fit into clothes I haven't been able to wear in years.

How did I get so screwed up? How did I become one of the bad guys? I want people to respect me and care about me now, at the weight I am today, but in actuality I don't even think I deserve their respect and affection. If I heard anyone else say these things I'd want to take them by the shoulders and shake some sense into them. I'd tell them about all the wonderful women (and men) out there that make the world a better place and their weight has NOTHING to do with their value. I'd say that you can't say that only certain kinds of people deserve to enjoy life and not be discriminated against. But why can't I believe it for me? Why can't I shake some sense into myself?

Rituals

I wrote a post a few weeks ago about this wonderful book I've been reading for school - The Power of Full Engagement. Well, I finished it this week and the book ends talking about rituals. I hadn't given much thought to the role of rituals in my life, it sounded at first like church to me. But then I realized through the reading that rituals are all around me - they are part of my daily life. The rituals of taking a shower, of always attending classes, of sitting in the same seat, of calling my parents at least once a week, of attending my Weight Watchers meetings on Thursday nights, of always having a tall skim no-whip mocha at Starbucks after the meeting. These rituals are outside my conscious awareness and that's where they are supposed to be, because rituals "provide a level of comfort, continuity and security that frees us to improvise and to take risks." Doesn't that sound empowering? So I am sharing with you some of the summary points the chapter on rituals ends with. I hope you enjoy them.

* All great performers rely on positive rituals to manage their energy and regulate their behavior.

* The more exacting the challenge and the greater the pressure, the more rigorous our rituals need to be.

* Precision and specificity are critical dimensions of building rituals during the 30 to 60 day acquisition period.

* Trying not to do something rapidly depletes our limited stores of will and discipline.

* To make lasting change, we must build serial rituals, focusing on one significant change at a time.

I'm going to start two new rituals. I've decided I need to pay attention to what is good in my life for a change. First, I am going to keep a small notebook on my bedside table. Each night I am going to write the first 5 things I can think of that I am thankful for in this world. I did this many years ago and it was wonderful. I felt blessed every night. Some days it was harder to come up with 5 than others, and some days I wanted to write 20. But, it's the ritual of doing it every day that reminds me how great my life really is. Second, each morning when I get up I am going to read the passage for the day in the book Simple Abundance. It's a book that came out I think in the '90s and it is all about stopping and enjoying your world around you. Taking a breather and looking at things differently. It's also about creativity, which is currently lacking in my world at the present moment.

What rituals are you going to start?

Lost Motivation

I don't know where to begin. I haven't been very motivated this week. I guess that's why I only lost 0.6 lbs. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy about it. I've lost weight for 5 weeks in a row, albeit in decreasing amounts each week. I'm just losing my oomph, my excitement, the thrill of losing weight. It is starting to feel like a job. If I stay on track I'll be at my halfway to goal point in about 6 weeks. I would have expected to feel this way then, not now. But I guess you don't get to decide when you get burnt out on weight loss. I've already tried on all the smaller clothes in my closet to see if they fit (some do and some don't, regardless of the size on the label). I've already don't tons of online window shopping, dreaming of my new wardrobe once I hit goal. What is there left to do but wait until I lose the rest of the weight?

I know I should build in little rewards for myself once I hit certain benchmarks, but I have a hard time justifying that on a grad student's budget. And don't get me wrong, I do nice things for myself all the time - I take baths and read for pleasure and I have no problem making time for myself seeing as I live alone. I go out to dinner once a week usually. So there aren't too many things that I could reward myself with that I can afford that I don't already do.

So what do you do when losing weight just isn't as fun as it used to be? Am I being selfish? Am I being ridiculous? Shouldn't seeing the scale go down be a reward in itself? What's wrong with me?

Run Like the Wind

This was a good week. Water aerobics was awesome on Wednesday night. The instructor, Heather, got in the water so we could all hear her better and she kept us organized so we didn't run into each other. (It has been a train wreck during the other classes.) We did really good arm and ab work. It burned! She only teaches the Wednesday night class and Ruth teaches Monday nights. I'm hoping Heather gives Ruth her notes!

I made a friend at my Weight Watchers meeting tonight. She is pretty outspoken in the meetings, but tonight was the first time she mentioned that she had started out 4 years ago at over 200 lbs. Then she started talking about surprises after she hit her goal weight - loose skin and lack of tone. I have been anticipating lack of tone, but I thought loose skin was only something that people who had surgery had to deal with. It was eye-opening. I approached her timidly after the meeting and she ended up being super friendly. We went to Starbucks for coffee and chatted for a while. She's a very interesting person. She is also a leader at that location on a different day and time. I'm so glad I approached her!

I tried on my size 14 pants last night on a lark. They are tight, but they fit over my hips and zip. What dawned on me is that with any luck, I'll never wear them again. They are both a heavy weight wool and lined. Definitely winter pants. Hopefully by winter they will be too big for me.

I have good news, I'm technically in the 180's! I'm at 189.8, so I have a little toe in the 180's, but I'm going to take it and run with it :) Well, not literally run. My knees aren't so good.

Get Healthy - Or Else ...

I just read what I find to be a disturbing article in Business Week entitled, "Get Healthy - Or Else" (click on the title of this post to go to the Business Week website). It is about a company that is regulating employee behavior (smoking, weight loss, exercise) to mitigate the rising costs of health insurance provided by the company. If you don't join the program, your insurance premiums go up while everyone on the program enjoys lower premiums.

I don't have a solution to how companies can reduce the cost of providing health insurance to their employees, but I do know that quitting smoking and losing weight are two personal struggles that people need to come to terms with on their own. They need to be ready to make the changes in their life, not be deemed unhealthy by their employer and forced into behavior they aren't comfortable with. The employer isn't respecting the dignity of their employees. These employers don't care about their employees and the fact that they are being self-destructive. They just care about the bottom-line.

Goals Redux

So I mentioned a few posts ago that I was going to reset my goals the week of my birthday. Well, I've looked over the past 25 weeks since I started Weight Watchers (it's gone by so fast!) and found that on average I have lost 1.2 pounds per week. Of course some weeks are up and some are down. So, I've calculated what weight I'd be at for certain milestones if I lost 1.2 lbs. per week. (I'm sorry it's so tiny, I couldn't figure out how to make it any bigger.) I'll write a post for each Goal/Milestone to say whether or not I've achieved it by the goal date. I didn't really have goals before. That's why that cell is blank until this week. I didn't reach 34 by 34, but I'm really happy to be at 32.4! I'm so excited that I could be down 49 lbs. by Graduation!

One Year Older ... and Wiser for It?

Today is my birthday - I'm 34! And I got the gift every kid dreams of ... a snow day! My classes on Tuesdays are at 3:30pm and 7:00pm and school posted a notice that they were closing as of 2pm today due to inclement weather. How cool is that?! Truth is it just means two things for me: (a) I have more time to work on an optional assignment I have due tomorrow and (b) I'm stuck at home alone because the roads are too bad to drive on. But really, what is there to complain about - I have cable TV, the internet, my bath tub and I went to the grocery store last night so I have a full supply of Diet Pepsi on hand!

I don't know if I've made 34 by 34 yet because I don't weigh in at Weight Watchers until Thursday. But, I don't think it is going to pan out because I had a big night out on Saturday - tapas. It was awesome. Six of my friends from school and I had dinner at a place called Jaleo. Shrimp, scallops, salmon ... can you tell I love sea food? Tonight's menu is chicken tacos. I'm allowed to have the flour tortillas because I didn't eat lunch today so dinner is going to be early and a big meal (about 14 points).

Water aerobics started last night. It's in deep water this time. They have us wearing floatation belts so it isn't hard to tread water at all. The class is about twice as big, so it is a little hard to maneuver. It was nice to see my friend from the shallow water class last semester. She looks great. She's lost a total of 26 pounds and her goal is 40 pounds (Go Nancy!). I think she's definitely going to achieve it. My swimsuit looks a little baggie (Yeah!), but I think it is more because it is so old than because of any weight I've lost. I have another suit that is newer that fits that I'm going to start wearing. Unfortunately it doesn't give me as much support, but we'll see how it goes.

Looking over the past year I have a lot to be thankful for. My family and friends are all happy and in good health. I live in a safe, comfortable place. I've almost finished my master's degree and I've lost weight, which is something I feared I'd never accomplish. And I've met all of you! I definitely feel blessed! Here's to being 34!

The Power of Full Engagement

Where to begin? I'm feeling great! I have met a scale goal, an exercise goal and a non-scale goal this week:

• I lost 3.2 lbs. so I am on track to make 34 by 34!
  
• I exercised 5 days this week for a total of 225 minutes!
  
• I can actually button my suit jackets and they don't pull across my chest!

I mentioned my leadership class in a previous post. We have a lot of outside reading to do, but only one required book, The Power of Full Engagement. It is awesome. I'm recommending it to anyone who wants to take a look at how they are spending their energy and what they are spending their energy on. There was one passage that really struck me:

"When we feel challenged rather than threatened, we are more willing to extend ourselves, even if that means taking some risk and experiencing some discomfort along the way."

That passage speaks to me on so many levels, about weight loss, about going back to grad school, and about dating. I've posted a link to the book on Amazon.com at the end of this post.

Thanks to all of you who responded to my last post on flirting and potentially dating in the future. It is so wonderful to be vulnerable and reveal something you are scared of and get support back. It isn't something I'm comfortable talking to my friends about. And to answer a few questions: the only thing I am involved with outside of school is hanging out with my sister and brother-in-law, I graduate in May and I am definitely not staying in this area after I graduate. And to clarify, I actually think Match.com is great. I have many friends who have met their boyfriends/fiances/husbands through Match. I just don't want to seek out advice from Dr. Phil.

The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz http://http//www.amazon.com/Power-Full-Engagement-Managing-Performance/dp/0743226755/sr=1-1/qid=1171048176/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-5419621-3385551?ie=UTF8&s=books

DVD Recommendations, please!

It was great hearing about how integral your WW leaders have been in your journeys. This Thursday night meeting also seems more cohesive, like a real group, so it will be interesting to see the personalities come out week after week.

So, I'm looking for recommendations for exercise DVDs. I really like riding the bike at the gym, and water aerobics is starting next week (yeah!), but I think I am going to need another option to keep from getting bored. So, to get you started thinking of ideas, here is my wish list:

1. I need relatively low impact moves. My knees aren't what they used to be. (And I'm sure my neighbors below me would also appreciate low impact!)
2. I love to dance, so anything dance related would be great! (I know, kinda hard to incorporate with #1) p.s. I don't like Richard Simmons.
3. I hate floor work, sit ups are the worst!
4. I'd like something that incorporates weights. That's one thing that is lacking in my exercise regime. I have hand weights right now.
5. I don't have room for a step. (Back in the day I loved my Reebok Step!)

Many thanks in advance for your suggestions. Any and all are welcome (even ones that don't fit my ridiculously narrow parameters!)

Leadership

Good news ... today was my weigh-in day and I lost 4.6 pounds last week! That more than makes up for my wild NYC weekend. I guess all my kvetching about 11 flex points really wasn't that big of a deal. I think now that I'm back under 200 again my daily points allowance changes from 26 to 25. I think that's doable. I was worried it was going to change to 24. I know 1 point isn't a big deal, I think it's just the idea of losing 2 points at the same time that had me scared. A gradual loss of points is more manageable for me.

So, my goal of 34 by 34 is potentially doable at this point. It would mean I'd need to lose at least 3 pounds each week for the next 2 weeks. I think I'm going to go for it. Even if I don't make it, I'll still probably be down 30 by the time I turn 34. Believe it or not the numbers aren't a big deal to me. It's more a game I'm playing with myself to keep myself entertained. After a while losing isn't as exciting. I can't believe I'm actually saying that. In fact it's a little bit of a lie. I was worried after NYC that I had somehow plateaued and I wouldn't be able to get past 200 again. It's nice to see counting points and exercise does works.

I didn't make my exercise goal as you can see from the ticker up top. I went 3 days out of the 5 I had wanted to go. I think it was more of a stretch goal than a realistic goal. But, I like the idea of a stretch goal. I'm going to set the same goal for next week ... 225 minutes in 7 days. School is getting busier now that the semester has started in earnest, but I can read for class on the bike so it's multi-tasking!

I'm taking a leadership development class this semester. During the first class we had a discussion on the difference between managing and leading. Managers focus on getting the staff to accomplish tasks while leaders focus on motivating the staff to achieve the company's higher level strategies and vision or mission. My Weight Watchers meeting leader tonight got me thinking about leadership. (I switched from Tuesday night meetings to Thursday night meetings.) The Thursday night leader, Melvin, is awesome. He is so energetic and actually funny. People laugh at his self-deprecating humor instead of the faint-hearted smiles the Tuesday night group would give our leader when she tried to make a joke. He engages the members and makes it a safe place to share. He is successfully leading the group and fulfilling the Weight Watchers vision. (I know, I have totally drank the kool-aid.) It is great to see that in action. While I have only been a member since August 2006, I haven't had any inspiring leaders until now. I'm looking forward to next Thursday night!

To use Flex Points, or to not use Flex Points? ... That is the Question.

So here's my mid-term report: I've gone to the gym twice, so if I go again tomorrow I will have made my goal of going 3 times by Tuesday! Yeah! My secondary goal is to go five times by Thursday, which includes Thursday in my book, so I am on my way to meeting that goal as well.

Unfortunately I was not as good with my flex points, and yes, my downfall was dinner with my sister on Friday night. I used 11 flex points! I used another 2 Sunday night. I'm disappointed in myself. I let instant gratification win out over my long-term goal. I starting to wonder if not using my flex points and going out are mutually exclusive events. Am I going to be happy with what I eat and drink for dinner at a restaurant if I have to stay within a 26 point limit? I seem to be fine eating out with lunches. This is a theory I am going to have to ponder further. I don't want to give up the goal of not using my flex points some weeks, but I'm going to have to monitor whether or not it is feasible for me to achieve. I'll keep you posted. (P.S. I just looked again at my e-tools for Weight Watchers and my downfall at Friday's dinner was choosing to have both the bruschetta and the beer. If I had just chosen one, and had a little less of it, I would have been within my points. So not using my flex points may be possible.)

I had an unfortunate encounter with an insensitive person today. I took my car into the dealership to be checked out and the in-take representative walked me over to one of her colleagues to hand me and my car off to him. He was looking at a set of 3"x5" photographs. (He doesn't look up when we get there.) She leans over to look at a couple of the photos and proceeds to say "Look how fat John was! Wow, he was so fat." Then she repeats this. Evidently she thinks she's paying this man a compliment. I just happy John isn't within earshot. They finally look up to acknowledge me standing there like an idiot, I mean they are at work and I am a customer. Not to be a b*tch, but at least say, "We'll be with you in a minute." So, thankfully she doesn't apologize to me and my 200.8 lbs. for calling this man fat. But I kinda wish she had. I was ready to simply say, without malice or defensiveness, "It's not nice to call someone fat." It's really that simple. Don't we teach our kids that? Why are adults so insensitive? I, of course, said nothing.

Sorry this was such a long post. I originally meant for it just to be a check-in. I'm switching my Weight Watchers weigh-in days from Tuesdays to Thursdays, so I'll post again later this week.

Take care,

Trixie

Confessions of a Dangerous Stomach

Sorry its been a while. I went to NYC last week and classes started for the spring semester on Wednesday. Truth is that I have been reluctant to post anything since Tuesday because I have some bad news . . . I gained 3.8 pounds last week! Ugh! I can't say I'm all that surprised. I ate badly in NYC - escargot, quesadillas, margaritas . . . I am upset about the amount of time I lost in losing weight. It took a lot of time to lose 3.8 pounds, so now it is disheartening that I need to lose it all over again. I'm no longer in One-derland, I'm at 200.8. I thought I'd never go back to 200. Funny thing is that I didn't cry when I found out. In the beginning of this weight loss journey I gained 0.4 pounds one week and was so upset I couldn't stay for the Weight Watchers meeting that night! I was so naive! :) But, in some ways the gain was a good wake up call that I need to stay vigilant. I had a pretty easy time of it over the holidays so I was due for a gain.

Many thanks to Kimberly, Vickie, Georgia Girl, Amazon Alanna, Angelfish24, Lori, Cynthia and Susan for your comments on my last post about looking for advice on working out. You gave me some great ideas about getting DVDs to do at home, working exercise into my schedule so I do it on autopilot, and taking advantage of working out at the rec center of my university.

I have signed up for water aerobics again. This time I'm doing it in deep water, which I'm excited about. The classes start February 12th. So that is on Monday and Wednesday nights. Tuesday night I have class. So that leaves Thursday - Sunday for going to the gym. I don't think I have the discipline to work out every day, but I do have the time. I think I am going to start coming up with a work out goal for each week. I've seen a lot of blogs with tickers that show how many minutes people have done cardio for that week or month. I think those are great!

My goal this week is to go to the gym at least 3 times before next Tuesday (ride the bike for 45 minutes each time) and to not use my flex points this week. Tomorrow is going to be the true test because I am going out to dinner with my sister. Wish me luck!

Goals

So I have been wanting to set more milestones for myself. My main one is "52 in 52" - 52 lbs. lost in 52 weeks starting from August 2006. I figure 1 lb. a week is a good goal - not too conservative, but not too aggressive. Depending on who you talk to though, some people think I'm crazy to try to lose that much weight that fast. I don't know, it doesn't sound crazy to me, and Weight Watchers is fine with people even losing 2 lbs. per week, so I figure I'll go with my gut.

So, based on the "52 in 52" time line, you will see my interim and long-term goals here. (Sorry its so small, I couldn't get Blogger to make it any bigger!) As you can see, my long-term goal of 141 lbs. is a good distance beyond "52 in 52". But, this chart has helped me stay on track and visualize where I want to be and where I should be. For instance, I am ahead of my goal of being down 25 lbs. by my 34th birthday (February 13th). I actually reached that goal on January 9th. I wanted to make a stretch goal of "34 lbs. by age 34" but I think that is too aggressive. That's trying to lose another 7 lbs. in 4 weeks. Doable, but I don't know if its sustainable, which is what I am all about.

Once I hit my 34th birthday I am going to stop and look at where I am at and then reassess and possibly move some of these goal weights up since I am already ahead.

I'm trying to add exercise into my routine, but the motivation part is difficult. It was great when I was visiting my parents and had my mom to go work out with. But I think that's because I have a great relationship with my mom and I'm comfortable discussing my weight issues around her. I'm not comfortable discussing them with my friends. My friends don't even know I'm doing Weight Watchers. Any tips for motivating to do solo exercise?

Friday Night Lights

So I had an interesting Friday night. I was just going to go out to dinner with my sister, but we ended up going out for drinks afterwards. I guess I hadn't had enough to eat that day (Cherrios, coffee, fish and green beans) and I honestly drank too much. I didn't do anything too embarrassing (the worst thing I did was give my number to a guy who didn't ask for it (who I will never run into again) - embarrassing, but not criminal or mortifying in my book).

But I did notice that all of a sudden I had this tremendous urge to talk to guys when she started getting attention from this one guy. Not just talk, but flirt. I should say attempt to flirt. And normally avoid talking with guys, unless its about school or work. I'm just nervous that they are judging me by what I look like, so I don't really bother talking to them. Even when I weighed less, I've never been that smooth and now most of my material is about 10 years old. That's how long its been since my early twenties when I went out to bars with friends to meet guys. (That wasn't the intention of the night, but that's what ended up happening.) See the thing was, I was able to fit into a jacket I haven't been able to wear in a long while. It made me feel powerful and attractive. And I think that feeling went to my head and I just got really chatty. I'm just so bad at talking to guys. I think it is obvious when I am talking to them that I have no self-confidence. My self-deprecating jokes are just bad. I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I was wondering if some of you out there in blog land would share your stories of when you first met the guy you are currently involved with. Where were you? Who approached who? Was it a blind date? What did you talk about? Were you nervous? Were you immediately attracted to him? Were you alone, or with a group of people?

I'd like to hear about real success stories because fictional ones on TV leave me feeling hopeless.

Leaving Las Vegas

I'm sorry I disappeared for a few weeks. I was visiting my parents in Las Vegas, but I'm back home now. I had a great time - spent too much money on the penny slot machines - but I actually started working out! I went to the gym with my mom a few times (riding the stationary bike for 45 minutes) and I went on long walks around the neighborhood with my iPod and the Veronica Mars and The O.C. soundtracks (about 3 miles round trip) and I even went hiking a few times. My mom belongs to a hiking group and we saw some beautiful scenery. I've included a picture of my mom and I (I'm on the left) with some of the natural beauty Las Vegas has to offer in the background. We've climbed pretty high up at this point in the hike, but we are only half way to the destination, which was a dry lake bed (a little anti-climatic).

I even managed to get to Weight Watchers weigh-ins while I was gone. I had a little trouble with my eating (and drinking) around the holidays, but I faired pretty well and I'm back to my old ways now that I'm home. I was going to save this news for a separate post, but I can't contain myself - I've made it to One-derland! I am officially 198.6 lbs! I can't remember being this low in like years! I celebrated at home tonight with Diet Pepsi, grilled chicken, green beans and corn. :)

Now that I'm back home, I'll be posting more regularly.

Take care,

Trixie

The Fats of Life

I hope everyone has been having a happy holiday season! Thanks for all your support and comments following my 10% success. It is so great to be a part of such a positive community.

Unfortunately, I must admit that while I counted points last week, I evidently used too many flex points and gained 1.2 lbs. I'm now 0.2 lbs. away from 10%. It's not fun yo-yo-ing so I am working to lose the pound I gained. I've been to the gym twice already this week and I'm going to try to not use all my flex points. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Now for a story. So I'm at dinner with my parents and the waiter says, before I've even ordered, "you look like someone famous". I'm like, "you're talking to me?" I mean I have no makeup on, a sweat shirt and jeans and my hair is in a ponytail. And he's like "yeah, the girl from 'The Facts of Life'". At this point I try to not roll my eyes when I say, "yeah, I know who you mean." And of course he's struggling with the character's name, and trying not to describe her, so I tell him, "Natalie." Of course, he has to pick the big girl on the show. Why couldn't it have been "Blair" or "Jo"! (Not like I look like either one of them.) I really don't look like Natalie either, but I am big. This isn't the first person who has told me I look like this actress. Another man told me this (20 lbs. ago which makes me feel really great about my loss). Do people just not understand that telling someone they look like an 80's celebrity doesn't count as a good thing if that actress is overweight? I like to pretend that I'm not overweight, so when someone holds up a mirror it is silently painful.

10% Filled with Happiness

I did it! I reached my 10% goal! I have my key chain! I put the keys on it during the meeting :)

I got a little misty when I thought about the last few months. I truly feel like I have accomplished something. I've never tried to lose weight before. I've gone to the gym consistently before, but I have never really changed my eating habits or weighed myself on a regular basis. I had no idea what I weighed before I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting. I had been weighed at the doctor's office every year or so, but after I hit 200 lbs. I stopped listening to the numbers.

This has been such a great experience, and I feel so lucky to have this blogging community and be able to visit your blogs and see how well you are all doing and get inspired. And I love it when you visit me! :)

I have another goal coming soon, I'm 0.8 lbs. away from 200 lbs.! I never thought I get so excited about weighing 200 lbs., but I am. It means I can really do this, that its working and that I'm going to be able to sustain my weight loss. I don't think the next 60 lbs. are going to be easy, but if they are anything like the last 23 lbs., I'm sure its going to be an adventure I'm going to look back on fondly in the future.

So I thought I had done really badly today. I ate a good lunch - broiled mahi mahi with seaweed salad and a Diet Coke. But then I went to a German band's Christmas party at a beer hall and had 2-1/2 pints of beer. (I also had a grande cappuccino after lunch.) But the Weight Watchers site says I've only used 16.5 points. How can this be? I still have 9.5 points left for the day? That makes no sense! I'm nervous I totally screwed myself for my weigh-in on Tuesday. And I'm going out for lunch tomorrow (Monday)! AHHHH! The pressure! Some people have a weakness for cookies. I have a weakness for beer, cheese and salty things, and not necessarily at the same time - don't ask me why.

I'm going to try to go to the gym tomorrow to mitigate some of this damage. I knew I was making bad choices, but I just couldn't stop myself. I was uncomfortable at the party and I wanted something in my hand to hold. I should have asked for water. Next time. Next time.

The Christmas party was a mad house. My brother-in-law played Santa to about 150 kids ages 0-12. He is such a good guy.

Okay, it's time for me to edit my group paper and email it to my professor for her comments before it goes to the client. Wish me luck!

Hot Damn!

Are you allowed to swear on blogs? (Of course you are, what am I talking about!) I usually have the mouth of a truck driver, but that's off-line. Anyway, HOT DAMN! I lost 3.6 lbs. last week! I had my Weight Watchers meeting tonight. I'm down a total of 20.6 lbs! I'm so excited. I was good with my points last week. I only used 1.5 of my flex points. But, I didn't really exercise at all. I need to get in the habit of exercising. That's going to be tough for me. Another obstacle to face.

I had a really good day today. I turned in a group paper at 8am, then I had a client presentation from 2-4pm. It went really well. I didn't think it was going to, but the client was pleased, so that makes me happy. And I got my credit card bill and I spent $350 less than I expected last month! I wish all days were like today. But at the same time I'm sorta waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish I wasn't like that, but I kinda am.

So, I calculated it and I just have to lose another 1.4 lbs. and I'll hit my first major goal of 10% of my original body weight. How cool is that?! I don't know if I'll manage to do it by next week, but that snazzy key chain they give you would make an awfully nice Christmas present. Whatever happens, it's nice to know the goal is in sight!

Nice Pants!

So I discovered two nice things this week. First, pants that didn't fit in April fit now. I tried on a pair of suit pants and they fit. I couldn't sit down in them in April. Now they fit! They unfortunately show my panty line in the front, so I still need to lose more weight before I can wear them without feeling self-conscious, but it is a spring/summer suit so that's not a problem. I also wore a pair of pants Monday night to class for a presentation that I don't think I have worn in about a year. It was so nice to put my legs in them and have them comfortably pass my thighs and button!

The other nice thing I found this week was cheek bones. I noticed them when I was in the bathroom combing my wet hair. I turned my face to the side and there they were! I mean I have cheek bones when I smile, but I haven't seen hide nor hair of them without smiling in months.

I have a confession to make. I don't like my driver's license picture. It was taken in February and I look terrible in it. I mean its embarrassing to show this picture when I get carded (yes, I still get carded at 33). I hate seeing it. For a few days recently I had turned it around so the back of it was visible through the clear plastic sleeve in my wallet. But I found that that made me more conscious of it. So I turned it back around. I shouldn't be embarrassed by the picture, but I am. I'm just waiting for someone to comment on it. I lied about my weight when they took the picture. I really didn't know what I weighed, but I could have easily guessed it was over 200. But I said 200 and that's what is on my license now. Oh to be down to 200! That's my 10% goal!

I lost 0.8 lbs. last week, so I'm down 17 lbs. total (I've added a little ticker because I was jealous of everyone else's! :) I'm happy with that considering all the beer I drank last Friday and the cheese and crackers I had on Sunday (snacks at the group meeting for school).

That's all for me. I better get to bed if I want to wake up before noon. Ahh, the life of a grad student.

Taking A Break

Things have been really busy with school lately. Lots and lots of group projects - meetings, presentations and papers. But, I've been taking some breaks to enjoy myself. Thursday night I decorated my apartment for Christmas. It took me all of 15 minutes since I only decorate inside and my apartment isn't that big. I found a Christmas "radio" station on the Internet and rocked out to golden Christmas oldies while I decorated. It was fun! Last night my mom was in town. She had been in town this week for a conference, which ended yesterday. We went to dinner and hung out in the hotel bar. It was one of those sky bars with windows looking down on the city. It rotated! It was so subtle I almost didn't notice! It is always nice to hang out with mom. I made good food choices - broiled salmon cakes and cucumber salad, but I drank way too much beer. That's why I have stopped keeping it in the fridge. It's too tempting. I love beer. But I have been much better today. No beer. And I haven't used any flex points.

I've done a bunch of work for school tonight, so I am taking a break. But I have more to do. I have a group meeting tomorrow at 1pm that I have to prepare for. I'm not looking forward to it. Classes are done December 12th and all my papers and projects will be done by December 20th. I can't wait! I'm not doing anything Christmas-y, except decorating, until I go to my parents in Vegas at the end of the month. Maybe I'll listen to some Christmas music on Pandora <http://www.pandora.com/> while I prep for tomorrow's meeting. You've got to check out Pandora if you haven't already. It's this internet music radio station that plays songs based on your last selection. They have analyzed half a million songs over the past century and the algorithms search for like characteristics and play songs they think you'll like based on your initial selection. It's great!

Does anybody swim laps for exercise? I've been thinking about starting now that water aerobics is over. The next session won't start until the end of January. I love the idea. I just find it so monotonous. They have music playing under the water, which should help, but it is hard to hear it.