Wednesday, March 07, 2007

How Did I Get So Screwed Up?

I had an interesting conversation with a close friend today. She is very wise and I value her thoughts and opinions.

I told her that in the past I had avoided losing weight because I didn't want to turn my back on the "sisterhood". I didn't want to say, I don't want to belong to that group any more, I want to be on the thin side of the playground. Until my conversation with her today, I haven't worried that I was doing that with this weight loss journey. By losing weight, am I saying that I'm not attractive at the weight I am today? at the weight I was 3 months ago? at 223.8 pounds? Am I saying that today I don't deserve success, love, affection, attention, friendship, a good parking space, the door opened for me, a free drink at a bar, but that I will deserve them when I reach my goal weight? I don't want to be saying that. I don't want to believe that, but part of me, I HATE to admit it, does believe all that. I haven't cried in months, but as I type this my eyes are welling up with tears. I'm a terrible person.

She said that if I'm losing weight to be healthy, that I am not saying any of those things, but if I am losing weight to be a certain size, or to fit into a certain dress, I am saying those things. Last night I tried on a dress that hasn't fit in years and dreamed of the day that it will. I even tried it on with two different pairs of heels to see which one looked better. I am going through this weight loss journey because I want to change my life and I want to be healthy, but DAMN IT!, I am also doing this to fit into clothes I haven't been able to wear in years.

How did I get so screwed up? How did I become one of the bad guys? I want people to respect me and care about me now, at the weight I am today, but in actuality I don't even think I deserve their respect and affection. If I heard anyone else say these things I'd want to take them by the shoulders and shake some sense into them. I'd tell them about all the wonderful women (and men) out there that make the world a better place and their weight has NOTHING to do with their value. I'd say that you can't say that only certain kinds of people deserve to enjoy life and not be discriminated against. But why can't I believe it for me? Why can't I shake some sense into myself?


Logical guy said...

If you tell yourself 1,000 times or 10,000 times you will start to believe it, whether it is true or not. I certainly told myself that I didn't deserve love, sex, affection so many times due to not having a relationship until I was 24 and it still affects me slightly almost 20 years later.

But there is nothing wrong with wanting to look in the mirror and thinking "I will look so hot when I weight ...". 99% of the human population have done that at some stage of their lives.

I'm sorry your conversation with your friend affected you this way.

TrixieBelden said...

thanks logical guy. it helps a lot to hear your perspective.

jodi said...

you're not screwed up and you're not the bad guy - its easy for us to THINK other people are saying this and that about us... but in reality, they probably aren't and its just us over-thinking things as usual... and who doesn't want to be on the 'thinner' side? i grew up being picked last for the kickball team and red rover - those memories will be with me forever... but they won't delegate how i live my life and how i feel about myself right now - i have EVERY right to be happy, at any shape and size, and that's what i'm going to do...

dave said...

The primary reason I'm losing weight is because I want to run faster and farther, eventually to run a marathon under 3:45. I can't do it with these extra 40+ pounds. Selfish? Maybe. But I don't want to be a fat runner anymore and I'm tired of running and walking with other fat people at the back of the pack.

I do believe that people have value at any weight. I don't believe (anymore) that I only have value if I'm fat because everyone I hang out with is fat.

Hang in there!

TrixieBelden said...

jodi - thanks for your comment. What you said about kickball and red rover struck a chord with me. It reminded me that I am living in the past, constantly replaying how people have treated me badly. I need to concentrate on living in the present.

dave - thanks for stopping by. i think it is great you have a concrete reason for your weight loss. i think i need to re-evaluate why i am losing weight. i need to figure out what quality of life am i going to get besides fitting into a smaller size.

Anonymous said...

i think i need to re-evaluate why i am losing weight. i need to figure out what quality of life am i going to get besides fitting into a smaller size.

Try because you want to get a good job.

Being thinner will not make you smarter, more capable, or more qualified, but it will make a better impression at an interview. Of course it's not fair, but fat discrimination is alive and well in the job market. Losing the weight is no different than choosing an appropriately professional outfit for an interview, just a lot harder.