Friday, July 06, 2007

Conflicted

There was a new woman at my WW meeting tonight. Melvin, my meeting leader, made a point of getting her to introduce herself to the group. As with most new people, she was a little embarrassed by the attention. He mentioned that she had asked at the weigh-in how much weight can people lose. He gestured to me as the example of how much weight you can lose and touted my 61.6 lbs. lost. It was weird. I mean I appreciate the support I get at my meetings immensely, but I don't know if I want to be the poster girl for the 5:30 pm meeting on Thursdays. She then asked how long it took me and he made a big point about the fact that it didn't matter how long it took me because it would sound either short or long to her and it might not be motivational. He is very into not having deadlines for your weight loss and letting it happens as it happens. Anyway, I'm starting to get embarrassed for the attention I'm getting at my meetings because of the amount of weight I've lost. I'd like to just be like everyone else at the meeting. And I'm starting to feel like I've had this weight loss a little too easy. Like it hasn't been painful enough, or I haven't gone through enough deprivation to deserve my loss. And I kinda feel guilty around my friends who are bigger than me, like I've left them behind or something. That was always a concern of mine before I ever truly started lose weight and now I feel guilty. I mean I know I've had to make difficult choices to not eat certain things every day, and I know I've exercised even when I didn't want to (not as often as I should though). I know that reaching goal doesn't all the difficult choices any easier, that maintaining is hard too. I just worry that I'm not going to be able to keep it off, to maintain the loss. Do you ever feel like you'd just like a vacation from not having to think about what you are, or are not, going to eat every day? I don't mean license to eat anything, just the ability to not have to count points or fit in enough water, or anything. Just feel like I'm going to have to do this for the rest of my life and it is starting to wear on me. I know I've just totally contradicted myself. Has anyone else had these kinds of conflicted feelings?

11 comments:

Lily T said...

I would totally feel embarrassed if someone like your leader did that to me! I’m just like you. I like to blend into the crowd, and I hate being set apart. But because of my life style change, I am set apart in every family function. Although with my in-laws when I was overweight, my weight set me apart. So no matter what I’ll be set apart.

With the fear of gaining it all back because this lifestyle is wearing thin. I had that. Actually I just had it, and I’m over it. I re-thought my lifestyle and made little adjustments so that I can consider it to be something I can live with forever. That seemed to have worked for me.

KL said...

That's where we're a bit different. I would have loved it!

I have a deep fear that I won't be able to keep my weight off. However, I've been there and done that rebound before. This is definitely a different experience. Before I joined WW, one of my girlfriends who has reached lifetime said to me, that she expects that she will be counting points for the rest of her life. That hit me like a ton of bricks -- this is forever. The fact that I've really looked at this as a life change makes things really new for me.

Lady T said...

"Do you ever feel like you'd just like a vacation from not having to think about what you are, or are not, going to eat every day?"

oh yeah....i'm not WW but i follow (or was following) a fairly strict eating regiment. meaning i ate a protein and fruit for breakfast, carb, protein, and veg for lunch, ect. and i have had a hard time getting back on track since "vacation" i feel the old me and her old ways wanting to give up...but i'm 14lbs in...which i feel is good enough progress to forge ahead. i must can do it...i've done it this far.....so i'm trying to psyche myself back onto the wagon full time.

when i order water instead of a coke....or get teh broiled chicken breast instead of the fried chicken legs, i have moments where "i think i dont want to do this forever." right now, i have not come up with a way to combat this.....since i guess i am sooo new to this lifestyle. but i try to repeat my CW to myself over and over and remind myself, that although i may slip, i can't regain all 14 lbs in one day or one meal.

i have a superplus size gf who i worry will feel alienated when i began to lose even more weight.....i'm not sure how that friendship will weather as i lose more poundage.

Kim said...

I have no idea what people who don't obsess over their weight and food choices think about all day. Seriously. I think that part of the thing that makes me so crazy about this journey is that even when I get to the weight and fitness level that I am happy with, I will have to work everyday for the rest of my life to maintain it. Hopefully I will have enough good habits in place by then that it will be less of a chore than I have pictured in my mind.

Hey - CONGRATS on officially getting rid of over 60 POUNDS!!! I really believe that you are going to be rid of this weight for good. :)

marie said...

I TOTALLY get where you're coming from.

success on this plan is a giant contradiction and going to be a lifelong struggle because if we were to return to an "effortless" lifestyle, our bad habits will just creep back up on us and we'll be back where we started, sadly.

and i understand the struggles with the accolades too. you appreciate them one-on-one, but being the centre of attention in larger groups gets a bit uncomfortable, i find.

Little Monkies said...

YES! YES! YES! I think it should be enough to *get* there. Like if you hit your goal your body freezes in this thin state and you can go back to being a slacker about food and exercise. It's cruel.

Great post! I came by way of Elastic Waist.

Jules said...

I'll let you know once I've mastered the discipline to go the distance. I understand the embarrassment though!!

Amazon Alanna said...

I bet your "bigger" friends...they probably use you as a role model. It's a tough role to have, but you happen to be it. Be proud. Stand strong. It it becomes too overwhelimg, talk to Melvin and I'm sure he'll back off.

angelfish24 said...

I know what you mean by a vacation to not count every point or watch your food intake every single day. I got tired of wt watchers because of this...the point obsession. I'm trying to just eat healthy and make good choices.
In the past when I took a vacation from eating right, I gained it all back and then some. You can keep this off! We both can though I have a lot further to go. But, it has to be a lifestyle change, not just a change for a year. That is the hard part for me, I mean the changing for good and dealing with why I emotionally eat.
Sorry you don't like being singled out in meetings. When I started losing a lot at ww they started giving me more attention but not to the extent that you are getting. It did make me a little embarrassed too. Even with one on one when a friend would notice, I was always the one to say "well I have a long way to go" or discount it in some way. Stay strong, it is so worth it and for your health!!

Lauren said...

I feel that way all the time

Jennifer said...

I totally agree with everything you posted. I get singled out in meetings a bit too... I've lost 68.8 and am finding it really hard not to respond by saying "yeah, but I still have a long ways to go." I too feel that I've had it too easy (especially after reading blogs... some of these women have WAY more willpower than I do and it's really unfair that they have to deprive themselves so much and still can't lose) yet, paradoxically, I find it very hard going and sometimes wonder if I can keep it up forever. Anyway, you're not alone.