Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I'm Not on a Schedule

So things have been very non-weight loss focused in my life for the past few days. I have been doing a lot for my job search (not that I'm not doing that all the time, but I don't usually write about it) and I've tried to get myself on a schedule at home. I haven't been paying my bills on time. Well, that's not totally true. I have them all on auto-pay through my checking account, so the utilities are fine, but it hasn't been set up to pay the credit cards enough, so I have been getting finance charges! My own fault. I turned off all the auto-pays and now I'm paying them as they come in, like I used to do when God was a boy. I have also been following this "home keeping" schedule:

* Take out trash and recycling
* Do laundry

* Go to grocery store
* Do errands

* Clean apartment

* Do odd jobs
* Take out trash and recycling

I know, it's lame, but I want to stick to some sort of schedule since I'm not working. Then I am going to try to layer in my exercise DVDs (I can't seem to walk past the beautiful pool to the gym in my apartment complex, so it looks like I won't be using the gym until the pool closes :) Did I tell you all that I'm doing part-time work for my department at school over the summer? I think it is just going to be for June, but keep your fingers crossed that they have work for me in July too. This job search thing is really kicking my a**. I haven't had this hard of a time looking for a job since I graduated from undergrad, and then I was living with my parents and they were basically paying my bills (only for about 9 months, then I was self-sufficient once I got my job in NYC.) I've been doing a lot of networking, so hopefully something will pop.

I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to feel once I reach my goal weight. I don't think I'm going to feel much different than I feel now, which isn't so good. I think part of my problem is that I've been thinking about how long I lived with all the weight and how much time I wasted "hiding." I know not everyone uses weight as a protective barrier, but I have and still do. It makes me sad to think about how I could have been living life all those years. But the truth is that I could have been having a great time at the size I was, I just didn't feel good about myself. Truth is, 50 lbs. later, I still don't feel that good about myself. I've started talking with my old therapist from NYC again over the phone. I'm hoping she can help me find my way. I guess you could say that I'm not really on schedule for feeling good about my weight loss yet. I haven't caught up yet.

P.S. I don't know how you all feel about the Dixie Chicks, but I love them. (One lovely friend told me I look like Natalie Maines. A terrific compliment because Natalie is beautiful, but I think my friend is on crack because I look nothing like her.) I just watched the documentary Shut Up & Sing and it was fabulous, I highly recommend it.


KL said...

I'm not on a schedule right now, and it's killing me. I think it's good to plan everything out.

My brother says the resemblance is uncanny between me and the new Princess of Brunei. I see it, but I wouldn't say uncanny.

Lily T said...

Schedules are a good thing. Personally, I've never been good at keeping my schedule, because I overplan. But your schedules looks reasonable.

Dixie Chicks rock! and Natalie Maines is the prettiest one.

Amazon Alanna said...

I'm with you on schedules...right now I'm over scheduled and it's killing me and in about 9 days I'm going to have barely any schedule and I think it might kill me.

Good for you for approaching your therapist. Often, when we lose weight, we don't feel different because even though the pounds are gone, self esteem doesn't replace it automatically. It's work. You're going to be great...not worries.

angelfish24 said...

I hope you get some luck with the job search. Sometimes, it takes a lot of time to find something that's right.
Bummer that you can't see the new body/person you are at -50lbs less. I mean, you aren't a different person and our self image will take time to catch up. I think that will be the case for me too as I've been heavier for years. But, I also had the reverse where I was thin when I was younger and as I got older and heavier I didn't think it was that bad until I saw the dreaded 'fat' photo. Think it's what got me stared to lose it.
Have a great week.

Nae Nae said...

Hey, I think it is Awesome that you have lost 50 pounds. I carried groceries in last nite and I have a family of 5 and live in the country...so I have to put the items in insulated carry bags. Well, I struggled to get two of the bags in the house. They were so stinking heavy I put them on the scales. They weighed 37.4 pounds and 36.6 pounds, which is about what I need to lose (74 pounds). Anyway, I am very excited for your loss of 50 pounds because after feeling what the 74 pounds felt like in a couple of bags!!! WHEW!! My poor body! I now have a new motivation. I am sorry that you aren't comfortable in your "new" body yet. I am sure in time you will begin to get comfortable with your new self!

Julie said...

I wouldn't recommend living downtown if you're working in Downers Grove. It's going to be quite a drive every day. And I guess I wouldn't recommend living downtown anyway because it's very busy with tourists and businesses. But you can still live in the city and not live "downtown" - you could live on the north side, west side, etc. like I do and it's much easier to get around. In any case if you get a job in the suburbs, I'd suggest renting or buying near your job because traffic is a bitch. I hope that helps!