Trick or Treat

Star Power
Good news! I got weighed at Weight Watchers tonight and I lost again last week! I have lost a total of 12.6 pounds since I started in mid/late August. I got a "5 pound" star at the meeting to put on my "5 pound" bookmark. I recorded my new weight on the WW website and discovered something - every 5 weeks I lose 5 or more pounds. I'd like my weight loss to be going faster, but its nice to see this pattern in order to make changes.


I'm Starting to Prune
Okay, so I've had three shallow water aerobics classes so far. I enjoy being in the water, but there are a few things I don't like about the classes. First, they are too easy. I was afraid to sign up for deep water because I wasn't sure if I could tread water the whole time. Now I'm regretting that decision. I think next time I'm going to try deep water. I'm a good swimmer, so I think I'll be okay. The other thing I don't like is the fact that a swim team practices in a pool right across the deck from our pool. Here are these perfectly fit 19 year old girls and guys and then there's me doing these exercises. I keep trying to tell myself not to be embarrassed. I'll be ready to start swimming laps again in a few months.

I hope you are all well. Happy Halloween my friends!

Take care,

Trixie

Bridget Jones & the "Singleton" Curse

Just Call Me Bridget
So, I didn't go out with my friends on Friday night. There were 6 of us girls that were planning to go out. Then someone had the bright idea to make it co-ed and invite all the husbands and boyfriends. The only problem with that idea is that I'm the only one who doesn't have a husband or a boyfriend. I didn't have the guts to say that I wanted it to stay all girls because I knew they wanted to invite the guys. I thought I could go through with it, but as the evening drew near I just couldn't bear the idea of hanging out with 5 couples. All I could imagine was Bridget Jones at the dinner party with all the couples trying to explain why she is still single. And I wouldn't have a Mark Darcy (or better yet, Colin Firth) in the group to come after me and tell me he liked me "just as I am". So, I lied and said I was feeling sick. It was a shame because I had been looking forward to night out with friends in the city.

Counting Points
I've been good about counting points all week - and all the good and the bad food choices. I have used up all my extra points. Actually, I am one over. But I am working hard to stay within my daily allotment of points.

Water Aerobics
I signed up for a water aerobics class. It's Tuesdays and Thursdays for 6 weeks. I may need to start going to the Wednesday Weight Watchers meeting because the class ends exactly 30 minutes before the meeting begins on Tuesdays and I don't think I can make it there that quickly. I'll let you know how the first class goes.

Campaign for Real Beauty
I went to an interesting lecture last week. It was by the Group Creative Director for Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty. She was very interesting. She mentioned a cool short video on their website that shows the time-elapsed footage of a photo shoot, from the model sitting down with no makeup to the photo being massively revised with something like Photoshop. Go to http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/ and check it out and check out the Dove Self-Esteem Fund.

Set Backs and Setting Myself Straight

I just got back from my weekly Weight Watchers meeting ... I gained 1.2 pounds last week. I am obviously bummed out, but I can't be too surprised. I haven't been counting points and I had three really bad meals last week, along with all the other mindless eating I'm sure I'm forgetting.

So, to get myself back on the right track I went to the Weight Watchers website and recorded my points for the day, the points I earned from going to the gym today, and my past 6 weeks of weigh-ins. It made me feel better to see how many flex points I still have for the week. I'm nervous about Friday night. I'm going out with a big group of friends for drinks and dinner. I'm trying to plot what I'm going to order. Do you ever feel self-conscious when you order healthy food and you feel like people are expecting you to order something bad for you?

I wanted to share some helpful reminders I got from a bookmark I got at my WW meeting last week. It's called "Use the Tools" and its good thoughts to replace the negative ones we all have running through our minds:

• Winning Outcomes: "What do I want?"
• Empowering Beliefs: "I can and I'm worth it!"
• Anchoring: "Remember when!"
• Storyboarding: "What's my next step?"
• Mental Rehearsing: "Practice! Practice! Practice!"
• Motivating Strategy: "What's my reward?"
• Reframing: "What does that get me?"
• Positive Self-Talking: "I am what I repeat"
• Asserting: "I need you to ______ because ..."
• Switching: "I can see the new me!"

I hope everyone is having a great week. I also wanted to tell everyone that I'm having problems leaving messages on "non-beta" blogs. I switched to the beta version of Blogger and now I can't post to "non-beta" blogs. I wish Blogger would have told me this before I agreed to switch. So, I am thinking of you and hoping for the best for you!

Bouquet Toss Boycott

My cousin's wedding was Friday night. I expected to have a great time. I was miserable. But before we talk about that, here were the goals I wanted to achieve before the wedding (previously mentioned in my "Goin' to the Chapel" post):

1) Have some breathing room in the pants
2) Have the tank part of the sweater set cover more of my stomach
3) Be able to bend over and put nail polish on my own toes
4) Get a hair cut (I just put that one in there because I need one desperately. I think the last time I had my hair cut was January.)

I achieved 2 of the 4 goals. The pants were comfortable and I did get a haircut before the event. I didn't achieve #2 because I wore something different. (It ended up being a more casual wedding.) I didn't achieve #3 because I didn't try. I decided to wear closed toe shoes because it was going to be cold, so I didn't bother painting them a new color.

For some reason I had a horrible time. The wedding should have been fun. Nothing seemed to go wrong and everyone seemed laid back and in a good mood. I, however, was in a foul mood and basically tried to sit in the corner the entire time. For some reason I was overwhelmed with all my relatives being there. I also didn't know where I fit in. I didn't have a date, I didn't have any kids to look after, I wasn't friends with anyone. I tried to hang out outside with the smokers, but that didn't work so well because it was cold.

Basically I felt very obviously fat and single. I am always hyper-aware of my appearance at weddings, but this was different. Usually I am enjoying myself, so I forget about what I look like. That night all I could think of was what I looked like. I suppose I should say something like, "It doesn't matter what I looked like. All that matters is how the bride looked." But that wasn't true. My relatives told my sister how good she looked, but no one said anything to me. I was also hyper-aware of not eating the hors d'oeuvres and not taking too much from the buffet. The good thing about my bad mood was that it made me stop drinking. I figured I didn't need a lot of alcohol to make me feel worse, or do something I'd be embarrassed about later. (It wasn't much to give up though. I was drinking Miller Lite instead of the Yuengling I wanted.)

All I can say is that I am glad that night is over. I learned at my weigh-in last Tuesday that I gained 0.4 pounds. So all in all, last week wasn't a great week. Maybe I'll have some good news at my weigh-in on Tuesday. I'll let you know.

You Talking to Me?

Okay, so I'm not sure how to tell this story to maximize the "Oh my God!" factor, but I'm going to give it a shot.

I was talking with a group of fellow students this afternoon about popular culture. We were talking about how babies get the best features from their parents and celebrity babies are a perfect example of that - Liv Tyler is beautiful, but looks exactly like her father Steven Tyler who has, to put it politely, not aged well. This one guy in the conversation then says that Steven Tyler's other daughter looks like him too, but she "has a weight problem". (She also happens to be a model, but I'm not sure if that really matters to the story.) I came close to saying, "but there's nothing wrong with having a weight problem", but I chickened out.

Not two seconds later, the guy who made the comment asked me to talk to go talk with him in private (well, off to the side of everyone else, out of earshot). To set the scene, this guy is extremely blunt, bordering on rude because he has absolutely no filter. He is incredibly smart, and moderately funny, so he isn't ostracized for his rude comments. I wouldn't call him a friend, but I'd say I am on more friendly terms with him than some other people.

He proceeds to ask me if I was offended by the comment he made about the girl with the weight problem. He then admits there's no polite way to ask that question because he is basically saying I have a ... He doesn't actually say that I have a weight problem, but its implied. He then says he knows he's made comments like this in front of me two other times (He can remember the exact conversations, I can't.) and keeps wondering if he's offending me. I am exceptionally bad at telling people they have offended me. I said something like, yes, what you're saying is awkward, but I actually appreciate the fact that you even think about my feelings since people say insenstive things about weight in front of me all the time and never think twice about my feelings. I was being honest, but not completely honest.

We ended up getting into a larger discussion about whether or not I think I have a weight problem and if I even want to lose weight. (He kept asking me questions and I just couldn't manage to stop giving answers.) I told him I was trying to lose weight, but asked him to not mention it to anyone or in front of anyone because I wanted to keep it private because I don't want anyone to know I think there's something wrong with me.

It was one of the most awkward and bizarre conversations I've ever had. I certainly do not want to repeat it. On one hand I'm offended that he had the audacity to tell me to my face he thinks I'm overweight. But on the other hand I am overweight, and I know it, and at least he apologized for being insensitve, but by apologizing he was being insensitive. It's a vicious circle.

I just had to share and find out if anyone else has had a similiar experience.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

So I'm innocently sitting in my Weight Watchers meeting tonight. I happen to be facing the door, which I don't normally. (To set the scene for you, the weigh-in room is the first room you walk in from the street. There's a doorway, and abra cadabra, there's the meeting room.) So, towards the end of the meeting, who walks in but two people I worked with this summer at my internship - my former supervisor and another woman! The meeting is near where I worked, so when I first started going I excepted to recognize people. (My internship was only for 3 months, it wasn't I walked out of there with millions of BFFs, but I did the networking thing.) The three of us had a nice exchange. They were only getting weighed, which might explain why I have NEVER seen them before at this meeting. (Okay, so I've only been going to this meeting for 4 weeks, but I saw it first.) I felt nearly naked even though the only thing I had removed in the last half hour were my flip flops! I consider my Weight Watchers experience to be a very vunerable moment in my week. Most of my friends don't even know I joined! I don't like to admit to potentially non-sympathetic, or mildly insensitive, people that I'm on Weight Watchers because it means I'm admitting there's something wrong with me. Somehow I have this insane notion that if I don't admit to people I think I'm fat they won't notice. Hah! Why, oh why, I ask do there have to be people I know at my WW meeting?! I fear that my best case scenario is a future of awkwardly sitting three in a row with these two women at meetings each week. So, I ask you, my friends, the ultimate question ... should I find a new meeting?

Long way home

First, let me thank everyone for the wonderful comments to my last post. I can't believe 12 people stopped by and left words of wisdom! You guys are terrific. I couldn't do this without you.

Second, let me apologize to anyone who's stopped by recently and hasn't seen a new post. Unfortunately life got in the way of my blog - mom came to visit last week and then I got sick this week. Writing this post is like coming home. It's nice to be home.

Third, I have good news! I've lost 6.4 pounds on Weight Watchers in the past two weeks! I know, I'm shocked too! I'm happy, but I'm also nervous and a little uncomfortable with it. I wish it would have come slower. I feel this responsibility to keep it off and 6 pounds feels like a lot right now to keep off. They also said at my meeting that you should only lose 1-2 pounds per week and one week I lost 4 pounds. I have no idea how I did it. I didn't eat terribly well that week, but I did manage my portions. So, I'm just going to take it one day at a time, one meal at a time.

There was a girl, okay woman - she was probably in her late 20's - at the Weight Watchers meeting last night that made goal. She lost 55 pounds. How awesome is that! I didn't feel comfortable walking up to her afterwards, but I wanted to know how long it took and what it felt like. I am so impressed. It was such an inspiring story. I don't usually go to Thursday night meetings. I might go back just so I have another opportunity to talk with her.

My goal for this next week is to get back to journaling what I eat and to get to the gym. It's going to be a busy week, just like every other week (and like it is for everyone else), but I'm going to get to the gym at least one time Monday - Friday.

I'm going to reach my ultimate goal of losing 78 pounds. I might take the long way home, but I'll get there.

Overwhelmed

Do you ever get to the point where you just feel completely overwhelmed by life? It's like I have so much going on that I don't even know where to begin. Do I start the laundry, clean the bathroom or read for class? Do I return emails, cook dinner or get my student loan figured out? And every time I take a break it just feels like more things have been added to the list while I wasn't looking.

I started Weight Watchers about four weeks ago and my weight has just fluctuated a few tenths of a pound. One week I'm up 0.4 pounds, the next I'm down 0.6 lbs. In the abstract I'm happy I haven't gained any sizable amount of weight, but in reality I'm really disappointed. I thought the effort I've been making would have made a difference. I guess I am going to have to start being more stringent about what I eat and how much I eat. It is definitely harder than I expected it to be. I keep getting hit in the head with realizations throughout this entire process. I realize losing weight is a major lifestyle change. I've been making some good food decisions, and some not so good decisions - as usual. I haven't exercised since Wednesday. It looks like I am going to have to be more diligent about it.

I'm worried I'm never going to lose weight and that I'm always going to look and feel like this. I applaud you all who have been losing and kept it off. You have accomplished something great.

Multi-tasking

So I did it! One day late, but I actually went to the gym today!

That's the first time since I moved here in August 2005. I planned to only ride the bike for 20 minutes, but I had three articles to read for class tomorrow night, so I rode for 40 minutes. It was a little awkward. My thighs brushed up against each other sometimes when I was pedaling. I thought I was going to feel uncomfortable when I got there an the only other person there was a thin blonde girl running on the treadmill. She actually ended up being nice (not that thin blonde people can't be nice, but you know what I mean). I think I had the bike on like the lowest resistance, but you gotta start somewhere.

I've come to the realization that losing weight is about a hundred big and little choices you make every day. When to eat, how much to eat, when to stop eating, when to go to sleep, whether or not to drink water, when to cook, what to order in a restaurant, whether or not to go to the gym, what to do at the gym, whether or not you should park at the end of the parking lot and walk a little farther to get to the store ... the list goes on and on.

It's amazing how much it takes over your life. I think I have been resistant to letting it engulf my life, but I am starting to give in. I'm also realizing just how long this process is going to take. I probably wouldn't admit this to too many people, but I think I am going to be prouder of the accomplishment of losing weight than I am of finishing grad school. I never thought I'd say that about losing weight, but I think I have come to the realization of just how hard its going to be. Here's to taking another first step - cheers! (insert your own favorite beverage here as a toast to what you've accomplished today)

Keeping Score & Missing the Goal

So, for a while I was worried that I'd resent recording what I eat in myfooddiary.com and counting points for Weight Watchers on an Excel sheet. In fact, when I joined Weight Watchers I said I wanted to the Core Plan because I didn't want to count points. Well, I have realized that the Core Plan doesn't work for me. I just don't eat those foods regularly enough. So, this week I've started counting points. I must say that myfooddiary.com helps a new Weight Watchers member count points immensely. It gives information on a food's fiber grams, calories, fat grams, the whole she-bang. I'm sure the etools on the Weight Watchers site does the same thing, but since I am already used to myfooddiary.com it has been great. Therefore I highly recommend doing both.

On a separate note, while I have been good about keeping track of what I eat I haven't been good about what I eat. So, I am asking for your help and inspiration. What do you do to prevent yourself from taking the easy way out and picking up something quick on the way home, from eating that second serving, from eating what you know you shouldn't. While I am learning about how bad some of the food I eat regularly is for me, I don't seem to have any willpower over the foods I already know are bad for me. Please share how you answer that voice in your head, and tell yourself it just isn't worth it. Thanks in advance!

Weight Watchers Weigh-in # 2

Thanks for all your positive posts. It really makes me feel like I'm not alone.

So I did it, after two weeks and one false start, I finally got back to a Weight Watchers meeting.

I went to a different location and I liked the meeting leader better. It's funny that each group has a few stereotypical members - there always seems to be an older woman who has been around the block and lets everyone know by answering all the questions the meeting leader asks the crowd before anyone else can. I actually find it kind of endearing. It takes the pressure off of me to feel like I have to participate. I'm planning on going back next week.

So, I know you are all sitting on the edge of your seats, waiting with bated breath, wondering what the scale said. Okay, since you asked so nicely I'll tell you ... 224.2, I'm up .4 from 223.8 two weeks ago. Considering the fact that I didn't journal my food or count points for those two weeks, I'm perfectly fine with that number. I mean, I don't want to waste money by going and not losing. But for right now I need to make it a habit before I can focus on losing. And, I need to start exercising. I think that is going to be my goal for Saturday afternoon. So here's my pledge:

I pledge that I will ride the recumbent bike at the gym for 20 minutes on Saturday, 9/9.

I also think I am going to count points instead of trying to live within the confines of the core program. I have realized I just don't eat enough core food naturally to make it an easy transition. Yeah, counting points and keeping track of my food at myfooddiary.com is going to be a b*tch, but if I make it a habit I think I can stick to it.

So that's me in a nutshell. A roomy nutshell, but it'll get smaller. Take care!

Mall Rats

Okay, so I don't have a report to give on my Weight Watchers meeting. I slept through my alarm and I missed the meeting. I don't know why, I have been getting up early all week. I have to pick out a meeting to go to this coming week. Should be interesting since classes begin on Tuesday. I'll keep you posted. Sorry to let you down.

I went shopping yesterday with my sister. I thought it would be fun. Unfortunately I forgot that she's a size 0/2 or extra-small/small and has a job and I'm a size 18/20 and have no income because I'm a student. Needless to say it was not that much fun. I love my sister and I like window shopping, but its depressing when you can't try anything on because they don't have your size and you have to watch someone constantly go back for a smaller size. It has been this way my entire life, the only difference is that when we were younger I was a size 8. I can't believe I spent my time feeling fat back then. I can't believe I got mad at my sister back then. I wasted so much time.

I need to find things to do with my sister that don't involve clothing shopping or food. That cuts out about 99% of all social activities in America. Guess I'll just continue to sit on my couch alone and dream about food.

Top 5 Things I Can't Wait to Do ...

... When I Lose Weight:

# 5 Eat food in public without feeling like people are saying, "of course she eats that way, look at her"
# 4 Wear a skirt without needing a girdle to prevent my thighs from rubbing together
# 3 Button my suit jacket
# 2 Buy clothes in a real store instead of needing to buy the bigger sizes online
# 1 Stop assuming the reason why a guy isn't interested is because of how much I weigh

I had another pretty bad week - long days, stress and no willpower. I did well Monday and Tuesday, but it went down hill on Wednesday. I'm going to try to get back on track this weekend. I have my second Weight Watchers meeting tomorrow morning. I don't have any illusions of having lost any weight. In fact, I'm curious to find out how much I've gained. I'll write again tomorrow with an update of how the meeting went.

The Week that Was

Thanks to everyone who left the great, really positive and supportive comments to my last post on my first Weight Watchers meeting. They were really sweet and it was great to hear from everyone.

Unfortunately, I must admit that my first five days on Weight Watchers were a bust. I have not eaten this badly on a consistent basis in the past month and a half (excluding the night I "Fell off the Wagon". I had tortilla chips (evil!), I had McDonald's hamburgers (Sacrilege!), an Entenmanns' doughnut (!*@#!), I even had chili nachos (the shame!). What's more, I haven't been keeping track of it - not on myfooddiary.com and not in my Weight Watchers booklet.

It will come as no surprise that I've been crazy busy this week and that had a lot to do with the bad eating habits. I didn't have a lot of access to healthy foods and the one salad I bought to eat had a twig in it (!?!) and I had to return it. But in some ways the fact that I was busy was just an excuse. I could have made more of an effort. I didn't have to make the bad choices I did. I consider it self-sabotage.

Next week is going to be worse than last week (15 hour days Monday-Thursday). So, I am asking everyone for their advice and ideas. What do you do when you have a crazy schedule and you are running around and don't have the time or energy to cook? Do you prep and make food before hand? Do you cut yourself some slack and eat badly? What are your secrets?

Points vs. Calories

So tonight I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting. It was held in an American Legion hall, which tickled me because it reminded me of my grandfather who passed away years ago. When something reminds me of Grandpap, it has to be a good sign.

I got there early, as did a few other people. I figured out that you get there half an hour early to get weighed, and you can either stay for the meeting or leave. I did notice that not one other person who weighed-in was wearing jeans besides me. (Thanks for the posts advising against that, but since jeans are the only thing I'm comfortable in these days, I'm stickin' with 'em.)

I must say that I was a bit confused about how the Flex Points work with the Core Plan, but I figure I'll read up on that in the information they gave me and online. I asked a ton of questions during my orientation session after the meeting (I was the only new person), but I decided to hold some back because the leader stayed 45 minutes extra for me because the meeting ran over.

The meeting leader was energetic and nice, but I didn't really connect with her sense of humor. The other people in attendance at the meeting didn't seem all that warm and fuzzy. The only person who introduced herself to me was the receptionist who weighed me and gave me my initial packet of stuff. I must say that I feel more of a connection with all of you bloggers out there - whether you leave posts on my blog, or I'm reading and posting on yours - than I felt during this meeting.

The other thing that worries me is points vs. calories. I have been religiously filling out my online food journal for the past month. I like it, it works for me. I don't feel great about adding in an additional step of counting Flex Points for the crazy, strict Core Plan. I also like having the option of eating anything I want as long as I stay in my calorie/fat/carbohydrates/protein percentages for the day on myfooddiary.com. It seems like I have to cut out EVERYTHING if I go to the Core Plan (No Cherrios? That's just crazy talk.)

I still like the idea of having to show up somewhere every week and be accountable for my weight loss. (I also abhor the idea of buying my own scale. I'd be weighing myself morning, noon and night if I had my own.) I guess the point of WW is that I can make the plan my own. I actually can't continue to go to the same meeting on Monday nights because I have a night class this semester at the same time. So, I am looking for other meetings in my area at more convenient times. Maybe I'll feel more at home at another meeting with a different group of people and leader.

I feel apprehension as I start this new journey, but I'm still taking a step, albeit tentative, in the right direction.

From Pizza Hut take out to Weight Watchers meetings

I'm going to do it. I've made a plan. I've gone to the Weight Watchers website and found a meeting close to my apartment on Monday night. I don't know what to expect, but I'm actually kind of excited! I put the print out from the Weight Watchers website of the location of the meeting on the side of my refrigerator where I used to keep my Pizza Hut coupons (back in the day when I could/would eat a whole medium pizza myself in one night, with Diet Pepsi of course).

The meeting starts at 6:30pm, but they say to get there 30 minutes early. I wonder, should I bring a notebook to take notes? What happens at these meetings? Will I get weighed on my first day? Is it bad that I won't be able to go to this exact meeting again because I will have Monday night classes during the fall semester?

If you have any Weight Watchers knowledge or experience, let me know! I'll tell you how the meeting went next week!

My Eyes are Bigger than my Stomach ... Literally

So, I went to the doctor this week. You know what that means ... I had to get on the scale.

I can't remember the last time I was weighed. I've been guessing at my weight. I know I've been over 200 pounds for years (I still remember the day the doctor told me. I walked around the block crying because I couldn't bear to go back to work. I was so heartbroken. I didn't see it coming. But I can't remember the date. Was it 5 years ago? 3? Was it Spring or Winter? I can't remember.) I also know I have been gaining weight and that some of the clothes I bought last year (only the expensive ones, like suits, of course) no longer fit me. In fact, over the past year I have even gone up a jean size - to 20 - at The Gap. (Surprisingly this event did not bring me to tears, probably because I have been conscious of my weight lately and I saw this coming.) Based on all the data I have gathered I have been guessing that I weigh 250. (Secretly I have been envisioning the scale saying 263. For some mysteriously significant reason, no doubt.) So, wasn't I surprised when I marched onto the scale on Monday and it said ... 220?!@? Just like that, I "lost" 30 lbs.

What should have taken me the better part of 6 months just happened in a split second. I've longed to lose all my weight overnight. But I didn't really lose anything. And I didn't feel any different after I saw 220 than I did before. My clothes don't feel looser. I don't feel more brazen, or more cocky or more confident. I haven't felt a quickness in my step or found it easier to smile. I have felt none of the things you feel when you embrace the rush of weight loss success.

What this whole episode really taught me is that It's Not About the Numbers! It's about how you feel. So, I am going to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep counting calories, keep trying to motivate myself to exercise, keep encouraging myself to join Weight Watchers "soon". And I'm going to let you all know when I actually feel different. Until then, I'm not about the numbers.

I Fell Off the Wagon

Friday was a great day and a bad day. It was the last day of my summer internship and the interns had plans after work to celebrate. At first I planned to have "just one drink" and go home and make dinner. When we got to the bar/restaurant to celebrate I realized I was hungry, so I ordered a salad with my beer. I was proud of myself. After about an hour everyone decided they wanted to go into the city and I thought to myself, "Why am I going to go home and sit alone on my couch like I do every Friday night?" So, I went along.

We got to the bar, ordered pitchers of beer and water, and started looking at the menu. There weren't any healthy options. We were deciding between pizza and mozzarella sticks - we ended up getting both. The pizza wasn't very good, so I only had two pieces. (Why did I have the second slice?) The mozzarella sticks were good, so I had three. We were there for hours. More pitchers of beer followed, highlighted with jello shots. I felt like a kid again. It was fun. I didn't feel that fat.

Around 2am we decided we were done with the now crowded bar and went to a diner. At 2am, the last thing I wanted was a salad at a sketchy diner. I ended up getting a burger and fries. Not the best I've ever had, but it certainly hit the spot.

Yesterday I was doing well, even though I was out with different friends. But then they wanted to get ice cream after dinner and I rewarded myself by getting a double scoop cone. I kept telling myself that I hadn't eaten that much today, so the calories would balance out. Yeah, right.

Now its Sunday and I'm afraid of recording what I ate on Friday and Saturday at myfooddiary.com. I know the calorie count is going to be high. I think I'm more worried about just putting it somewhere permanent, where I'll be reminded of it, where I can't push it out of my mind. I can rationalize that nights like that are a rarity. But still, no one was forcing me to eat that food. Making good food choices seems so hard when you are surrounded by other people who aren't concerned about the same things. I'm disappointed in myself. The guilt is awful. I was doing so well and now I wonder if I'll ever be able to handle social situations. Now I don't want to go to the pool today because I am so self-conscious, something that never bothered me before (well, there's a new group of guys who just moved into the complex, and that might have something to do with it, but that's for another post).

So, I'm just sitting in my living room, watching TV in my pajamas and staring out the window at a beautiful day I'm not enjoying because I feel fat.

Goin' to the Chapel ... What Am I Gonna Wear?

We're goin' to the chapel, and we're gonna get married. Okay, well I'm not getting married, my cousin is. I just got the invitation this week. I knew it was coming, I just didn't know it was going to arrive so soon. The date is Friday, October 13th. (My mother says they sent them out too early. Whatever.)

You, of course, know the first question I asked myself when I opened up the envelope ... WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR?!?!

I have thought about it and I really have only three options:

1) Buy something new
2) Wear my old stand-by outfit (that may not fit anymore)
3) Don't go

Let's see... #3 is out because, regardless what I look like, or what I wear, this is going to be a fun wedding. Capital F-U-N. So, that leaves me with options #1 and #2. I don't have a lot of money and I just can't bear the idea of going shopping and having to cope with what size I may or may not be, so option #1 is out. That leaves us with option #2: the good ole stand-by. Guess what color it is? I'll give you one clue: it's black. I'll give you another clue: it's separates, because God knows I haven't been able to fit into a dress for quite some time (my breasts are too big, my waist is too small - in relation to everything else - my thighs are too big, my shoulders are too broad, my arms are too big ... the list goes on and on). It's actually quite nice, that is if I hadn't been wearing it for the last 7 years to every semi-formal or formal event I've had. The top is a silk twin set with tasteful flat sequins scattered on the edges. The bottom is a pair of black pants (I grew out of the skirt I originally bought to go with the twin set). And the shoes, of course, are black strappy high heeled sandals.

I wore this outfit to an event for my graduate school in April and it was passable. I say passable because the tank part of the sweater set would show my belly button if I raised my arms up too high. The pants fit, but they were tight. It was difficult to give myself a pedicure with my extra pudge around the middle.

As of tomorrow, August 10th, I have 65 days until the wedding (9 weeks starting Monday, August 14th). So here are my goals:

1) Have some breathing room in the pants
2) Have the tank part of the sweater set cover more of my stomach
3) Be able to bend over and put nail polish on my own toes
4) Get a hair cut (I just put that one in there because I need one desperately. I think the last time I had my hair cut was January.)

I think its doable. I don't think my goals are too grand. I've been doing well on my "diet" (I don't like calling it a diet. I prefer "healthy eating plan"). Now I just have to start exercising on a regular basis.

I'll keep you posted on how its going.

BMI = "Body Mass Identity"

Used one of those BMI calculators this week. My BMI is 42.9.

According to http://fatfighterblogs.com, "if your BMI is over 40: This indicates an individual suffering from extreme obesity, and is in a very unhealthy condition. The excess body fat will put the individual at risk of heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, gall bladder disease and some cancers. It is definitely time to change to a healthy diet and undertake a fitness program."

It is really scary to read those words, but some how its easier hearing it from a website than from an insensitive doctor who doesn't understand what being overweight is all about. (That's a whole other story for another post.) I guess its easier because I didn't have to look anyone in the eyes to hear the news.

I don't feel extremely obese. I mean I don't fit through small spaces any more (must turn sideways) and I have to catch my breath after I climb the three flights of stairs to my apartment, but I just thought I was overweight. "Extremely obese" is a whole new ballgame.

I haven't been to the doctor in the past few years, mainly to avoid having to look anyone in the eyes. In the past my blood pressure and cholesterol have been fine, even though my weight has been climbing. I guess its time to hold my head up high and march into a new doctor's office and demand some respect, along with some test results.

I was telling my sister my weight loss goal (52 pounds in 52 weeks) and then I told her how much I'd need to lose in order to be at the top of the range for my height - 115 pounds. That really got to her. That's how much she weighs. I need to lose an entire person in order to be healthy. What I want to know is how did I gain this entire person? How did I not notice this was happening?

I have a feeling that being extremely obese is going to start to define me. I'm going to start hearing that in my head when I read about the "fattening of America", I'm going to think about it when my friend complains about wanting to lose her 10 lbs. of baby weight so she can be "skinny again". I've always felt different, now I have a title for it. Instead of being known as "Miss Congeniality" or "Vice President", I'll have a satin sash made with the words "Extremely Obese" spelled out in fancy cursive lettering with sequins.