Blame it on the Rain

Hey there. Just checking in from Vegas. I'm on week two with the 'rents. It's been nice and relaxing here - no real stress and the weather was good until a few days ago when "monsoon" season started and it began to get overcast and rain at least part of every day. They actually have flood advisories in effect. Here's a live shot of the weather on the Las Vegas Strip. Not the kind of weather one looks for when you are trying to work on your tan.

I have been doing so-so with eating. My main food choices have been good, or at least in moderation, and I've been drinking only a little bit and when I do its wine or light beer (I now highly recommend Corona Light).

I have also been doing my own version of water aerobics every day in the pool. I start out with "weights" which are really 2 sets of 20 oz. empty water bottles duct taped together. I do about 4 different arm exercises, 3 sets each with 15 reps a set. Then I do abs with a noodle (but not the exercise that gave me the rug burns). For abs I do 3 different exercises. This time I do 3 sets of 30 reps each. Then I do legs which is where the "aerobics" comes in. I walk back and forth across the long part of the pool (which is about 4-1/2 feet deep) doing high knees for 5 sets and then I do butt kicks for 5 sets. I figure it takes me about 30 minutes. It's only 2 WW activity points, but hey, I enjoy myself. I do it while listening to music. (I've found it's a little hard to count and hold a conversation with someone else.) My routine was cut short today when it started to thunder and lightning. C'est la vie. There's always tomorrow.

Lest you think all I do is bake in the sun and play the slots, I have been doing some part-time work for the university (editing a seriously boring paper and conducting moderately less boring interviews) and I've been trying to keep myself psyched for my job search. I've done some networking via email and I've applied for a couple jobs. As with everything, we'll see how it goes.

I must recommend an author I just discovered, who admittedly has been around for a while since her books have been made into Lifetime Movies. Jodi Picoult. She is amazing. I finished The Pact and haven't been able to get it out of my head. Now I am reading her new book Nineteen Minutes which seems like it is going to be just as moving.

Okay, it's time for me to start checking out all your blogs! Hope all is well with you guys.

Greetings from Sin City!

I'm here in Las Vegas, sitting in my damp swimsuit, typing this blog post and loving every minute of it. I did water aerobics yesterday, but didn't find plastic bottles with enough resistance and developed a nasty "rug-burn" from an exercise with a noodle. Who knew exercise could be so difficult, and dangerous!

I have bad news. I'm up 3.8 lbs. this week. I'm not worried because I'm thinking it is due to this weird thing where I am always up when I visit my parents and then I'm down when I go home. I haven't eaten or drank too badly. I definitely haven't been perfect, I was up a few points beyond my 35 flex points for the week, but I don't think it was bad enough to do this much damage. Even so, the true test will be next week when I weigh-in for the second time using my parents' scale. Guess there should be more water aerobics in my future! My apologies to Kim and my challenge teammates that I have let you down this week!

I have invited my mom to do a guest post sometime on my blog while I am visiting Las Vegas. So, keep your eyes pealed for a different "voice" on my blog sometime soon.

I'll check in again soon! Take care.

Here Comes the Sun

Hey there. Thanks for your comments on my last post. It was really helpful to hear how you all feel. Even if you didn't feel the same as me, I felt less alone after reading your comments. :)

While feeling so conflicted and then spending a weekend with my sister where she continually asked me questions about what I eat and how I feel about my weight loss, I needed to take a break from thinking about things. I still counted points and water aerobics started on Wednesday, but otherwise I tried not to concentrate on weight loss. I don't think I even visited any blogs for a week. That is not like me. I tend to be a every-other-day lurker on a lot of blogs. I don't know if I feel less conflicted, or just less stressed about having to think about what I eat all the time. I guess I really am in this for the long haul and if that means counting points for the next 50 years, I guess that's what I'm prepared to do. (WW is going to make a sh*tload of money off of me :)

So, onto the good things ... water aerobics was fun, but crowded as the first class of the session always is. I felt like I had had a good workout when I got out of the water which felt fantastic. I was talking to my sister about doing water aerobics in my parent's pool when I go out there for a visit. I said I wished they had the floatation "weights" that you do the toning exercises with. She suggested I get plastic bottles of orange juice or bleach or something, empty them and clean them out, and use those in the pool for resistance. Genius! Now I'm going to search the internet to find exercise routines to do in the water. My mom is also talking about hiking while I am out there. She now hikes three times a week since she isn't working this summer. I don't know if I can manage hiking that often, but I am looking forward to going to the gym with her. (Note to self: I need to stock up on reading material for the recumbent bike.)

Oh, to back up for a minute. I don't think I mentioned that I'm going to Vegas for two weeks to visit my parents. I found a cheap flight on Southwest and I can really conduct my job search from out there. So far I have only been having phone interviews. Just in case I'm going to bring my suit and shoes in case I need to fly somewhere for an interview. It will be very nice to be surrounded by people for a change. I can go an entire day without talking to anyone besides the lifeguard who doesn't speak English. That was great when I was working or going to school full-time, but now it is very isolating. I feel guilty for spending some of the money I've made from my part-time gig with the university on a flight to Vegas, but a wise friend of mine said that any money and time spent visiting family you love is never a bad decision.

On that note I am off to start sewing a tote bag I am making for my mom. It is the first bag I have made in about 2 years. I'm excited! If I can get their camera to work I'll take a picture of the finished product. Ciao!

Conflicted

There was a new woman at my WW meeting tonight. Melvin, my meeting leader, made a point of getting her to introduce herself to the group. As with most new people, she was a little embarrassed by the attention. He mentioned that she had asked at the weigh-in how much weight can people lose. He gestured to me as the example of how much weight you can lose and touted my 61.6 lbs. lost. It was weird. I mean I appreciate the support I get at my meetings immensely, but I don't know if I want to be the poster girl for the 5:30 pm meeting on Thursdays. She then asked how long it took me and he made a big point about the fact that it didn't matter how long it took me because it would sound either short or long to her and it might not be motivational. He is very into not having deadlines for your weight loss and letting it happens as it happens. Anyway, I'm starting to get embarrassed for the attention I'm getting at my meetings because of the amount of weight I've lost. I'd like to just be like everyone else at the meeting. And I'm starting to feel like I've had this weight loss a little too easy. Like it hasn't been painful enough, or I haven't gone through enough deprivation to deserve my loss. And I kinda feel guilty around my friends who are bigger than me, like I've left them behind or something. That was always a concern of mine before I ever truly started lose weight and now I feel guilty. I mean I know I've had to make difficult choices to not eat certain things every day, and I know I've exercised even when I didn't want to (not as often as I should though). I know that reaching goal doesn't all the difficult choices any easier, that maintaining is hard too. I just worry that I'm not going to be able to keep it off, to maintain the loss. Do you ever feel like you'd just like a vacation from not having to think about what you are, or are not, going to eat every day? I don't mean license to eat anything, just the ability to not have to count points or fit in enough water, or anything. Just feel like I'm going to have to do this for the rest of my life and it is starting to wear on me. I know I've just totally contradicted myself. Has anyone else had these kinds of conflicted feelings?

Tapas!

Hey there. This was a fun weekend. My friend came down from New York for a short visit. She got in on Friday and I just took her to the train a few hours ago. We basically just hung out at the pool and had nice dinners. She treated me to a great tapas restaurant not far from me. It was lovely. We had chorizo with mashed potatoes, scallops in a red sauce . . . I was definitely off plan that night. I thought I would be bummed that I didn't stay on plan, but actually I think it was good for me. I didn't over eat, I wasn't stuffed, but I had a little bit of everything. It's nice to enjoy good food that's worth the extra points, even if the weekend did put me over my flex points for the week. I don't plan on having meals like that on a regular basis, but every once in a while I think is okay. If I'm up this week at my weigh-in, so be it (which I assume I will be). At least I'll know why I was up.

Still having trouble motivating myself to exercise. I think I have myself convinced to do my DVD tomorrow morning before I start my job search work and then go to the pool in the afternoon. And who knows, if the pool is quiet, maybe I'll be able to get in a few laps!

Hope you all had a nice weekend!

Let's Celebrate! 59.8 big ones!

Okay, so I had my WW weigh-in today. I *only* lost 2 lbs. last week. I needed to lose 2.2 lbs. to reach 60 lbs. lost today. I know, cry me a river. I am actually quite thrilled with my loss and I think 59.8 lbs. feels just as good as 60 lbs. would have.

I mentioned to my wonderful meeting leader, Melvin, that I need to set a goal. The 141 you see on my ticker up above is what I have been working towards, but it was just an arbitrary number I picked because it was the top end of a height/weight chart I found on the internet. For example, WW says the top end of my weight range is 146. Go figure. So he said we could talk next week about setting a number. I'm scared because I've had this 83 lb. goal in my head since last August, and now I'm thinking of making the journey longer, but I just don't know if I'm going to be satisfied with being at the upper end of my weight range. Not that there's anything wrong with it, I just don't know how I'll feel. I'm thinking maybe the 130's are where I want to be. I think my sister weighs 115-120 lbs., she's 5'2" and she's skinny. I honestly do not want to be that skinny. First, I wouldn't be being true to myself or my self-image at that weight and second, I don't think it would be worth the sacrifices I'd need to make to maintain it. But, when do you decide how much weight to lose and can you decide you haven't lost enough? I guess what I'm saying is . . .

How do you know when you've lost *enough* weight?


P.S. I know I have been doing horribly on the exercise front. I am trying to start Kim's 100 day challenge, but I have been failing miserably. (Kim, I'm sorry, I have been no use to you so far ! :) I just told my friend Megan that I was going to try the swim club on Monday. I don't know if that was a lie or not seeing as I won't be able to do it again after Monday since Wednesday is July 4th and the following week Water Aerobics starts! (Yah Water Aerobics!) I know I should stop staying I'll try to do things and just commit to doing them. I suck. I really think I'd feel better if I got regular exercise. I just so freakin' lazy! I do much better with scheduled classes than being left to my own devices.

Interview Update

Hey guys, so I had my screening interview today with the "big national retailer." It turned out that the recruiter only handles jobs in merchandising, but it became apparent from my answers to her questions that I want a job in marketing which is 100% true (I focused on marketing in school, I was a graduate teaching assistant with the marketing department, I have 9 years of experience in advertising and marketing ...) She was very nice about it, and in some ways this was part of the point of the interview - to discover if we were a match. So, the interview only lasted about 20 minutes. But ... she said she would pass my resume along to a marketing recruiter and see if they had any jobs available in marketing! She also said that it might take her a few days, but that she'd get back to me by the end of the week. Hey, no problem - she's doing me a favor! So, I think she must have been interested, or she wouldn't have offered to pass me along. One of the questions I asked her was what is the hiring process. She said that the first round is an in-depth phone interview with a recruiter (which would have been today). Then, if you get passed that you are invited to the corporate headquarters in middle America for a full day of interviews. At that point they usually make a decision, but sometimes you are called back for a second round of on-site interviews. Pretty intense! I just hope I make it that far. I'm kinda bummed that I closed the door on the job she was recruiting for. I am curious about it, but I don't want her to think that I'm settling if the marketing group doesn't have any positions. I'll keep you posted if anything happens with this company in the future. Thanks for the well wishes!

I weigh-in at WW tomorrow. Fingers crossed that I hit 60 lbs. lost tomorrow night. It's a stretch - I'd need to lose 2.2 lbs. in one week, but it feasible, right?! :)

Weekend Update

Hey there, I actually did my CardioScuplt DVD on Friday morning. I know, it's shocking! I set a really low goal for myself of 60 minutes of exercise this week. Let's see if I can manage to motivate myself to actually do the d*mn DVD again!

I have good news. An executive recruiter for a high-profile national company called me for a screening interview! It's my first interview since I started applying for jobs in March! I'm very excited, but I'm trying to keep it in perspective and not make too much of a big deal about it. I've been networking with a couple of alums from my undergraduate university and one of them passed my resume along to this recruiter. (I would network with alums from my grad school, but the university's alumni directory sucks big time and it's a regional school so there aren't many alums in other parts of the country where I am applying for jobs. My goal is to move out of this area.) I'll let you know how the screening process goes.

My eating goal this week is to only use 3 flex points a day. If I earn activity points, I can use those too. I don't know if I'm going to reach this goal, but since I only lost 20% of 1 pound last week I want to get back on track. Even if I use more than 3 points a day, I'll still probably use less flex points than I normally do.

Enjoy the remainder of the weekend. I'll be prepping for my interview tomorrow on my laptop in the shade at the pool :)

25 lbs. From my Goal!

Hey guys! Yep, that's right. My ticker says that I'm only 25 lbs. from my goal! I'm so excited. I know it will take a while to get there, ( I *only* lost 0.2 lbs. this week, but hey, I'll take that!)but it is so gratifying to see what looks like a manageable amount of weight left to lose. Someone at my WW meeting tonight got their Lifetime Membership Certificate. How cool is that! I had never seen someone reach lifetime before, so it was inspiring.

I decided to sign-up for Deep Water Aerobics again. (Thanks for your comments.) It doesn't start until July 9th, which is a bummer, but I think I made the right decision. I'm still going to check out the swim club, but I really enjoyed water aerobics and I missed it.

I was talking with my therapist and she asked me what other bloggers felt about their self-esteem related to weight-loss when they are going through stressful periods, like looking for a job. She seems to think that it is possible that the reason why I'm not enjoying my weight loss more is because I am facing all kinds of rejections during my job search. What do you guys think?

I haven't been exercising lately, and I've been feeling lousy. Tomorrow I am DEFINITELY going to do my CardioSculpt DVD in the morning. No excuses! I've got 25 lbs. of motivation :)

In the Deep End

So I had a couple non-scale victories last week . I went out to dinner with a friend a couple times last week. We went out late - around 9pm - since she wanted to go to the gym after work (good for her!). Both times it was a last minute decision to go out, so I had already eaten dinner. Both times I declined ordering any food and just sipped a beer or water. In the past, I totally would have at least ordered an appetizer, if not a full second dinner. She said she didn't mind and that it didn't make her uncomfortable. I believe her because: 1) she was ravenous both times and totally into her food and not what I was eating or not eating and 2) she knows I'm trying to watch what I eat and not over-eat. I don't plan on making this a habit, since part of going out to dinner is sharing the eating experience, but it's nice to know I can decline food when I'm in that situation.

I contacted the point person for the master's swim club in my area. She's mailing me a pass for 3 free sessions. I love that they are letting me "test drive" the club before committing to it. I think it will be $50-$60 to pay for the club dues for a year and the annual dues for the national organization. That's a lot when you are living on student loans. And I most likely will not be in the area for an entire year so I really want to know that I can do this before I commit money to it. I'm also thinking about doing deep water aerobics next month instead. It's only 5 weeks (2x per week) and it runs about the same amount of money. I'm not sure which one to do. I'm intrigued by the challenge of the swim club, but water aerobics is a no-brainer and something I really enjoy and I quite like the social interaction. I won't get that from the swim club and I desparately need it now that school is out and I can go a whole day without talking to anyone besides the cashier at the grocery store. What do you guys think?

I'm Not on a Schedule

So things have been very non-weight loss focused in my life for the past few days. I have been doing a lot for my job search (not that I'm not doing that all the time, but I don't usually write about it) and I've tried to get myself on a schedule at home. I haven't been paying my bills on time. Well, that's not totally true. I have them all on auto-pay through my checking account, so the utilities are fine, but it hasn't been set up to pay the credit cards enough, so I have been getting finance charges! My own fault. I turned off all the auto-pays and now I'm paying them as they come in, like I used to do when God was a boy. I have also been following this "home keeping" schedule:

Monday:
* Take out trash and recycling
* Do laundry

Tuesday:
* Go to grocery store
* Do errands

Wednesday:
* Clean apartment

Thursday:
* Do odd jobs
* Take out trash and recycling

I know, it's lame, but I want to stick to some sort of schedule since I'm not working. Then I am going to try to layer in my exercise DVDs (I can't seem to walk past the beautiful pool to the gym in my apartment complex, so it looks like I won't be using the gym until the pool closes :) Did I tell you all that I'm doing part-time work for my department at school over the summer? I think it is just going to be for June, but keep your fingers crossed that they have work for me in July too. This job search thing is really kicking my a**. I haven't had this hard of a time looking for a job since I graduated from undergrad, and then I was living with my parents and they were basically paying my bills (only for about 9 months, then I was self-sufficient once I got my job in NYC.) I've been doing a lot of networking, so hopefully something will pop.

I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to feel once I reach my goal weight. I don't think I'm going to feel much different than I feel now, which isn't so good. I think part of my problem is that I've been thinking about how long I lived with all the weight and how much time I wasted "hiding." I know not everyone uses weight as a protective barrier, but I have and still do. It makes me sad to think about how I could have been living life all those years. But the truth is that I could have been having a great time at the size I was, I just didn't feel good about myself. Truth is, 50 lbs. later, I still don't feel that good about myself. I've started talking with my old therapist from NYC again over the phone. I'm hoping she can help me find my way. I guess you could say that I'm not really on schedule for feeling good about my weight loss yet. I haven't caught up yet.

P.S. I don't know how you all feel about the Dixie Chicks, but I love them. (One lovely friend told me I look like Natalie Maines. A terrific compliment because Natalie is beautiful, but I think my friend is on crack because I look nothing like her.) I just watched the documentary Shut Up & Sing and it was fabulous, I highly recommend it.

Thinks that Make You Go Hmmm

Thanks to KL @ "YAWN to Come Hither" for tagging me for the "Thinking Blogger Award!" That is soooo nice of you to say. It makes me feel awesome that the stuff I write about means something to you!

Here are the rules for the "Thinking Blogger Award":

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.

Okay, so it was incredibly hard to pick only 5 blogs, and I purposely didn't mention KL's "YAWN to Come Hither" (even though I read it 5x a week), or any of the blogs she mentioned in her list, (even though I wanted to because they are great!) because I wanted other fabulous blogs to get some attention too. My apologies if I didn't include your blog. I hated having to choose because there are so many of you out there that make me think!

In no particular order:
1. Weight of My World by JessiferSeabs
2. Patience by Angelfish24
3. Yet Another Weight Watchers Blog by Jen
4. Lily Loss Lbs. by LilyT
5. Baby Steps V by Vickie

I weighed-in tonight and I have great news - I'm in a new decade! I'm at 168.2 lbs. That number looks surreal. I'm having a hard time accepting that I've lost so much weight. It doesn't seem real, but then I check the size of the clothes I am wearing, or a surreptitiously step on a scale besides the WW ones, and I am reminded that I have, in fact, lost the weight. I don't see myself as any different when I look in the mirror, except when I'm wearing a bathing suit, then I notice a difference from last summer. This whole weight loss thing is a weird thing to go through. It shouldn't really change your life (it doesn't make you any more of a valuable or love-able person) but it's a big change in some ways if you've been overweight for years. I guess I'm not articulating myself very well tonight. I guess what I'm saying is that even though I've lost all this weight, I still feel overweight. I don't really feel any different. On a day-to-day basis, I don't think I feel better about myself. I don't think I have more self-esteem. Okay, I enjoyed wearing the little black dress to graduation, but that was a one shot deal. Truthfully, even though I hadn't fit into it in years, when I looked at myself in the mirror I didn't look as good as I remember thinking I did when I first bought it in 1997. Kinda sad. Has anyone ever felt this way?

Home Sweet Home

Hey all, I'm back home. I arrived at midnight last night. It's good to be back in my lovely, huge apartment after staying with my friend in her tiny studio apartment. I forgot how small things are in New York. The networking went well. I had 7 meetings last Thursday and discussed my job search with other friends that I saw and they are going to put feelers out for me too. One thing I realized, which surprised me, I don't HAVE to move back to New York. I liked being there, but I didn't have the pull I've had on my previous trips to move back. If it happens, great, if it doesn't, I am sure I'll be happy wherever I land.

I thought I had done okay food wise, but when I plugged what I ate into the WW online points tracker I realized I went over my flex points by 26 points! I thought Thursday would be considered last week, and I forgot that it is the first day of my WW week, not my last day. I was really hoping to not go up on my next weigh-in. I'll be only using my daily points Monday-Thursday, and I get weighed-in on Thursday evenings. I plan to do my CardioSculpt DVD Monday-Thursday as well (I have no excuse not to!). So, it will be a crap shoot to see whether or not I maintained from last Tuesday, or if I'm up. I really hope I'm not up, but I don't really deserve to be down. This yo-yo-ing up and down week-to-week is really discouraging, even though I only have myself to blame.

I have to say that it is tough to eat healthy in New York. I will admit to some poor choices, but the menus do not give a lot of healthy options. Their fish dishes are covered in butter (which I asked for on the side). Lots of places don't even have light beer on the menu. (I did well on the not-drinking front. I did drink some, but very little compared to what I drank over graduation week.) If I move back there I am going to have to learn how to order in those restaurants. I ordered fajitas, which I eat without the tortilla shells. They gave me like 5 tiny little pieces of peppers and onions and a sea of beans covered in cheese. I did get a little bit of lettuce, tomato and onion, but not a lot. And they butchered the portobello mushrooms. Go figure.

On the friend front, everyone just treated me like they normally do. They mentioned my weight loss when they first saw me, but otherwise, they didn't ask any questions. It was nice to see that they won't be treating me any differently. What was different was going into BCBGMaxAzria and being able to try on their large size clothes and actually fitting into them! I mean, I have no intention of buying a $190 dress, but it was fun to try it on! Wearing a suit that I could actually button across my chest was really cool too. Now one of my non-scale goals is to be able to wear a regular bath towel "tied" around my chest in my apartment after I take a shower. I've been using beach towels for years and I'd love to be able to use just a regular towel. They look so tiny though. Dare to dream.

I'm in a New York State of Mind

Hey there, I weighed-in today at WW instead of Thursday because I am going to New York tomorrow (more on that later). I lost the 4.6 lbs. I gained last week. I didn't mean to lose all of it in like less than a week (I think the WW scales are a little f*'d up). I did eat this week. I even used 9 of my flex points in addition to my daily points allowance since last Thursday. The most important thing is that I only had one beer since last week. I think that really helped. I TOTALLY missed my exercise goal. I only managed to do 30 minutes. There's really no excuse. I totally had the time. I just had a major motivation issue - basically, I had none. I'm having a difficult time getting used to not being accountable to anyone or anything. It makes accomplishing things difficult. Any tips from people out there who have had to deal with something like that? I mean I have no husband, kids, roommate, pet, or plant. I have no job. I don't have any classes. I do have a hobby, but I haven't sewn in over two years (although I did hem a pair of pants and alter a skirt last night, but when you used to make handbags and quilts, that doesn't really count.) So, motivational tips would be much appreciated.

I know, it sounds like a vacation, but it is weird and disorienting to not have a purpose. I have thought about getting a part-time job, but I've decided against it because I know how I'll get - I'll be so concerned about doing a good job that be consumed by it and I'll slack off on my job search. And really, any part-time job I get isn't going to help that much on the money front, so its best I work instead on spending as little money as possible. However, I have asked the associate chair of the department at school whether or not any of the professors need part-time help this summer. The school only 10 minutes away and I'd be, hopefully, working on topics related to what I want to do for work, so it might be worthwhile. I'll let you know if it works out.

So, I'm going to New York tomorrow to do some informational interviewing and networking. I have coffee with an alum tomorrow afternoon, 5! meetings on Thursday, and a lunch with an old colleague/friend on Friday. I might also be having drinks or coffee with some other old colleagues. One of my good friend's birthday's is next week, so I think we are going to have a little celebration while I'm in town, but she has a 5 month old, so it won't be anything crazy.

Not only am I nervous about all my meetings, but I'm also nervous about seeing old friends and colleagues. The last time I saw many of these people was 25 lbs. ago. Other people I haven't seen since I started my epic weight loss journey. I recently met up with someone I haven't seen since my internship last summer (before I started to lose weight) and she kept going on and on about how "skinny" I had become. It was annoying, because I'm obviously not skinny. (She also thought back in last August that it was impossible for me to lose 52 lbs. in 52 weeks, so it was nice that I silently knew I had accomplished that.) So, if she's any indication of how people are going to treat me I don't know how I'm going to feel while I'm in New York. I'm very apprehensive. I don't want it to all be about what I look like. That's not what this trip is about, not that I want any trip to be about that. The good thing is that none of the meetings on Thursday are with people who knew me before I lost weight. That way I can just focus on my ideas and not my appearance.

I can't believe its 9pm already. I have a million things to do. I'll post next Monday and let you all know how it went. Keep your fingers crossed that I stay on plan! Doing that away from home is always a challenge for me.

Take care,

Trixie

The Good, The Bad & The Little Black Dress

I did it! Graduation was Monday and I officially have my master's! It was about a week of parties and happy hours and visiting with family - my parents came in from Las Vegas, which I think is so sweet because it was totally unnecessary, but made the whole event feel more special. The majority of my food choices were good ones (although I did have veggie quesadillas, chicken fingers and a mini cupcake one night! oops!), but I did drink beer pretty much every day for 6 days in a row. As a result, I blew my flex points out of the water. I think I ate and drank 50 more flex points than my 35 allotted. Wow! I made an effort to journal everything because I knew I'd be up this week, so I wanted to have firm proof of why, and I have it. I am officially up 4.6 lbs. since last Thursday. I'm bummed because it puts me back under 50 lbs. lost, but I know I can get back there an a few weeks. My short-term goal is to not gain any weight during my trip to New York next week. It's going to be tough, but I think I can do it if I make wise choices and only drink a little bit.

But lest you think last week was all bad news, I had two good non-scale victories. First, I exercised for 90 minutes last week. I finally did that CardioSculpt video I've been jabbering about for weeks. It is great! I think I am going to buy it (I have it out from Netflix.) And I went to the gym and rode the bike for 30 minutes. It was a total of 30 minutes more than my goal of 60 minutes for the week, so I am happy. And my real non-scale victory was that I wore a little black dress and fabulous peep toe pumps to graduation under my gown. There was a reception afterwards where everyone got to see my dress. What is so validating is that the last time I wore that dress was at a friend's wedding - in 1997! And it wasn't tight or anything! It felt great to feel like I looked good for a change. There weren't many photos taken, but I'll see if there's a good one of me in the dress and post it ;)

Oh, and I just want to thank everyone for their insightful, and at times humorous, comments about my botched attempt at a kiss. Here's the update ... I saw him twice since the debacle (at the reception and then at a party Tuesday night) and I think I caught him looking at me (I made sure I looked gooood both times), but it could have been my imagination. At both events we successfully avoided talking to each other and now that the graduation celebrations have come to an end the next time I will likely see him is some time far into the future at a class reunion. He turned out to be the best person to have this happen with since I never have to see him again! And it seems like he didn't mention anything to his friends. If he did, and someone says something to me in the future, at least I won't have to go to class the next day and be embarrassed. I don't know if I'll ever make the first move again in the future. But this time it was definitely his loss! Because I have been told that I'm a really good kisser! :)

"Beer Balls"

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments! It made me feel so good to hear from you all.

So, I must say that this week was very uneventful health-wise. I did not make my exercise goal, hell, I didn't even exercise once! I have reduced my goal to just 60 minutes for next week hoping that I can at least do the CardioSculpt DVD twice.

While health-wise it was a boring week, school-wise it was very exciting ... I'm DONE! I had my last class and presentation on Tuesday evening and I just, minutes ago, emailed my professor my last paper. It is over! It feels both good and scary. Good because it has been an interesting two years, scary because I don't have a job yet, or even a good lead on one. But I'm going to a big city in a few weeks for an informational interviewing/networking trip (and to see some friends) so hopefully that will kick-start things into gear.

I did have something crappy happen to me, but I'm trying not to dwell on it. I was at a bar with a bunch of people from school and we were all drinking. After the 5th or 6th beer, (I know, I know, it's a lot, but it was over the span of 5 hours and I don't drink that often) one of my classmates started to look pretty cute, so I texted him (because he was across the table from me). He answered back and for about 90 minutes we were texting. Then the evening came to an end and I had already said I wasn't driving home b/c I had had too much to drink and was going to sleep on a friend's couch, but then I had the brilliant idea that he could drive me home b/c he lives in my town. He said he would, no problem. So we are chatting the whole way and then got to my apartment. I kissed him on the cheek for being nice and driving me home and he smiled, so I went to kiss him for real and he TURNED AWAY! I think I said something to the effect of "you f*cking asshole" and slammed the car door shut. I am like, how did I mis-read the signals so badly? It totally seemed like he was interested. But now that I type this I am starting to think that I totally read something into the situation that wasn't there. We have flirted before, but nothing ever happened. I just feel like such a dork and he is TOTALLY going to tell his friends about this. That being said, I don't know what I saw in him if he's the kind of person who would do that. Actually I do, I'm only interested in him when I've been drinking. Nice, huh. So, basically I am completely incompetent when it comes to guys and shallow. I told one of my friends this story and she said I had "beer balls" for making the first move. I had never heard that one before, but it made me laugh. Actually, writing this down has made me feel better. Maybe now I can stop beating myself up over it.

So just remember, if you are ever looking for advice about guys - take anything I say worth a grain of salt!

Lottery Numbers: 50.2 - 29.8 - 23

Okay, so here's my big news ... I've officially lost over 50 lbs.! I just got weighed-in tonight and I am down 50.2 lbs.! It really caught me off guard. I've been worried about school and my job search, my friends and my family, so I wasn't expecting this. Secretly I think this week's loss was partially because I was wearing pants instead of jeans, but if I can keep it off through next week, so be it! I got misty at my WW meeting. People were so sweet and came up to me afterwards to congratulate me and ask me for tips. Ask me for tips! I couldn't believe it! I feel like I just started this journey. I wasn't expecting 50 to mean so much to me, but I kind of want to buy a piece of jewelry to commemorate the event. Maybe once I have a job and I'm not living off of student loans.

So, more good news ... I am officially no longer "obese." I have a BMI of 29.8 and "overweight" is supposed to be 29.9. I can't believe it. This is a non-scale victory I have really been looking forward to. I feel vindicated after all of the doctor's who have been so insensitive to me about my weight over the past 10 years. If they had been more supportive, instead of so punitive, maybe I would have done this sooner.

And lastly, WW etools had me re-calculate my points. I'm now down to 23. I think I started with 26 in August 2006. It's kinda scary. I don't know if I can do it. I've been trying not to blow it, but I have been having a hard time. What I really need to do is start getting back into the exercise routine now that water aerobics has been over for a few weeks. I still have the CardioSculpt video from Netflix that hasn't been taken out of the envelope. I can blame it on school and the job search, but the truth is, I could have made the time to work out. I think it will help with my stress level too. I called my old therapist and had a session with her last week. It was really good to talk with her. There's a lot of stuff going on in my life and the lives of the people around me and its just starting to get overwhelming. I'm going to talk with her again next week. I don't know how I'm going to pay for this, but hopefully everything will work out. I should have gotten that job at Starbucks back in January. Oh well, my mom said that hindsight is 20/20.

It's past my bedtime and I have a group meeting for school in the morning. Yet another presentation to write. Then I'm meeting my sister for lunch, which should be fun. Take care! Trixie

Old Navy Doesn't Respect Larger Women

I was just reading a post over at Pasta Queen and discovered that Old Navy is pulling their size 22-26 clothes out of their stores and making them available only online. I think is is disrespectful and a bad business decision, but Pasta Queen puts her dissatisfaction much more eloquently than I do, so visit her blog ... http://pastaqueen.com

I did write a disgruntled email to Old Navy and told them that the least they could do is make shipping free for the sizes they don't (won't) carry in their stores. Pasta Queen conveniently posted the customer service email, toll free number and mailing address for the jerks at Old Navy.

There's also a petition to stop Old Navy from doing this at ... http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/224525614?ltl=1178301217

I like their t-shirts, but not enough to keep shopping somewhere that discriminates against beautiful, vibrant women who want to buy their clothes.

Just Do It

Thanks for all the good advice! I am always impressed by and drawn to people who exude confidence, whether they are smaller or larger than me. But I've always wondered how the people who are my size or bigger do it. I need to figure out a way to find that confidence within myself. And I guess that's the key - I'm going to find it within myself, not by looking in the mirror. Some days I might like what I see and some days I might not, but I need to be able to close my eyes when my head hits the pillow at night and know that I have value and that I'm an attractive person - inside and out. Here's to wishing me luck on that journey. I'm sure I'll be talking about it more as time goes on.

I had talked about going to the gym today and reading for school while I was on the bike to a friend of mine last night. When I woke up late today I had enough time to the gym before class, but I was going to blow it off. I just didn't feel like it. Then I read my emails and I found one titled "Just Do It" from my friend from last night. I have recently been sharing some of my feelings from my weight loss journey with her. I'm not going to bore you with the beginning of the email, here's the key part ...

"...And just in case you need some encouragement to read on the bike ... As our esteemed brand Nike would say, "just do it." Hopefully that didn't fall into the category of annoying encouragement, just thinkin about you."

My initial gut reaction was, damn, my instincts were right, I shouldn't have shared my weight loss goals with her. Now I have to be accountable to someone else! I don't think I have ever really gotten encouragement to work out before, so I wasn't sure how to react. Then I started to think about it and realized how great it was that she took the risk and emailed me. And I started to think about how well being accountable to Weight Watchers each week is working for me. It turned out that I really needed a push this morning and her email showed me that someone cared about my goals and was listening to me. I ended up going to the gym, and I was happy that I did. I also made a point to thank her when I saw her in class today. Maybe confiding in some of my friends about my weight loss goals isn't such a bad thing after all.

The Reign of the Size 2's

I had dinner and drinks with my friend who just broke up with her boyfriend tonight. She was in pretty good spirits, as she has been throughout this process. She puts up a good front. She started talking about relationships. She's had a steady stream of relationships over the years. I asked her how much time she's spent alone. She came up with something like 6-8 weeks. Weeks! I asked her how she met these men and she said that they just fall into her life when she's not looking (when does she have time to look, I ask you?). She's about a size 0 or a size 2. Granted she's 5'2", but still, I'm 5'4". I'm jealous. She doesn't seem to realize that what she looks like has a lot to do with the attention she has gotten over the years.

When I ask her about my issues with dating, she's sitting there telling me I need to walk into a bar like I own the place and that I'm more attractive than any other woman in the room. How in the world can I do that when I am gigantic compared to her? She said that she is just naturally sort of flirty. I wanted to say that at my weight I'm not allowed to be flirty, but I couldn't. I just couldn't be that vunerable with her. I know that many of you out there are amazing women with great self confidence and are flirty. But I've always gotten shit for trying to be flirty at a larger size. I've pretty much been told to my face, "who do you think you are?"
And when I say larger size, I mean size 12 for God's sake (back before I gained a lot, but not all, of my weight)! It has made me very self-conscious in "co-ed" situations. I feel like I'm not attractive enough to be flirting with any of the guys.

Even so, one thing I am doing to feel good about my accomplishments is that for graduation I am wearing a short black dress that I've had for 10 years, but only recently fit into again, with peep-toe pumps. Totally not business-like, but I figure I have to wear the stupid cap and gown, so I can wear whatever I want to underneath it. Let those guys with their "hot lists" I am definitely not on, who didn't give me a second thought for two years, eat their hearts out and realize what they are going to miss out on. F*ck 'em!