Saturday, October 13, 2007

101st Post & Feeling Shallow

So, this my 101st post. I didn't realize I was hitting this milestone. I've been blogging for about 15 months, so I guess technically I should have hit it sooner. I just don't post that frequently. But I find it pretty exciting. I mean, I've felt like a real blogger all along, but this is some how validating on a different level. I don't know. I'm not feeling particularly articulate today. Which I guess sucks for everyone reading this post :)

I've been seeing a number of people recently that I haven't seen in months. They have been commenting on my shape/weight. I've been getting the "there's going to be nothing left soon" and "you're so tiny." I feel like these people are exaggerating. It's very nice for people to pay you compliments, which is what I assume is meant by the comments because they are followed with something to the effect of "you look great." But, it is making me feel guilty for leaving my old self behind. I mean, I know I am happier at this weight for a whole host of reasons, but I am wondering why I couldn't be happier when I weighed 223.8 lbs. I wasn't lacking for friends or activities or goals. But, I didn't have a lot of self-confidence. Truthfully, I don't have a lot now either. But, did I just spend 13 months losing weight because I bought into some idea that society has given me that you are happier when you are thinner? I don't think my friends would have been any less happy to see me if I had gained the weight I'd lost back, or if I hadn't lost any additional weight since the last time they saw me. I mean, by losing weight did I just turn my back on all my bigger friends and some how say, people are more attractive when they are thinner than when they are heavier? I don't want to be saying that with my actions. I truly believe that there are beautiful people at all weights. But, our value shouldn't be measured in what we look like. I don't know, I'm just confused and feeling shallow.


Vickie said...

I think that some people comment - because of things that they feel on the inside (about themselves). Sometimes when someone has a weird reaction to someone else's weight loss - it is due to these internal feelings.

When someone is overly happy in talking about my weight loss - it is weird-er for me than when they are "retrospective" - the manic approach - I don't know QUITE what to make of that.

Sometimes I think people talk about weight loss - like they do the weather - just something to talk about when you haven't seen someone for a long time and you don't know quite what to say.

If someone had a dog with them - everyone would do dog talk.

If someone had a baby with them -
everyone would do baby talk.


It has taken me a FULL year of being pretty much the same weight - to even start to get used to it.

I have gone down a few pounds and then come up a few pounds (on purpose) but over all - I have been my current weight this whole time. AND - I am JUST getting used to the skin I am now in - JUST - after a full year.

I am starting to feel like my body is mine - and not temporary.

I am starting to forget what some of the pockets of fat felt like - others are burned into my mind (probably forever) - but some body part feelings are starting to fade away - like my thighs - I have a hard time remembering fat thighs now...

After you have run into everyone once or twice - they do eventually stop commenting on it - unless their commenting is some inner thing for them.

One of the people that commented on my weight every single time I saw her all of last school year (sometimes this was EVERY DAY). Joined WW over the summer and has lost about 30-40 pounds herself. She doesn't comment on MINE any more (thank goodness) and she can now just talk about normal kid/town/church things.

so, obviously (I think so anyway) she was working out her own stuff last year and it came out as being about ME - when it probably was not.

Most of the time - now - no one says a thing about it. Eventually - I think that they will even forget that I ever was fat.

I had an aunt that had jet black hair. When it turned gray - she started coloring it RED. Everyone else got used to her with red hair. Probably there are people that don't know it was BLACK 30+ years ago. I have seen her VERY few times in the past 30 years. I saw her all the time when her hair was black - the few times I have seen her in the last 30 years (funerals mostly) I find myself commenting on her hair color.

I am sure that I am the only one left in her life that still does this - everyone around her daily/monthly/annually - probably NEVER mentions it. . .

And when she looks in the mirror - red is now normal for her.

It takes a LONG time - I think so anyway - to settle in to a thin body - thin clothes. It takes just as long to settle into a FIT body - muscles and tone - where there used to be fat.

I am still settling into mine. I still look in the mirror and am startled - a little.

I wore a cami and sweater for the first time today and felt thinner than I have in a while - something about the new fitted cami. Even though it was under my sweater, it still made a difference in how I felt - I felt new.

Amazon Alanna said...

I think what you're saying with your weight loss is: I want to be healthiest me I can be. For most of us, that means losing weight.

It's hard to get out of the "fat"'re still the same on the inside despite the changes on the outside. It's hard to reconcile the 2.

jodi said...

i was going thru a really, rough time a few years back and it wasn't weight-related... yea, growing up a 'chubby' kid really didn't help my self-confidence but that wasn't why i was unhappy... thru therapy and learning to 'talk' about what i was feeling - i started to gain my confidence back, little by little... setting small goals - whatever they may be - really helped... you CAN do and accomplish anything you want so be proud of all you have accomplished... :o)

Lily T said...

I know what you mean about feeling shallow. I feel the same way.

Congratulations on your 101st post! I think I pasted that milestone without thinking about it. Now that I look back, I wish I had celebrated some way.

angelfish24 said...

I think you are still getting used to the new, thinner you. It will take some time. I agree, it doesn't matter what someone's weight is, what matters is how they treat you and how beautiful they are inside. That being said, it would be awesome to be in a thin, healthy body. Not that I can't be healthy in a chubbier version but it would be nice. Hope you are having a good weekend.

Dee said...

Yes people are exaggerating. I know it's not easy but don't let their ramblings influence your mood too much. What matters is how YOU feel about yourself.
As the other posters have said, it takes a long time to get used to a slimmer, healthier you. Don't beat yourself up about it, take all the time you need to adjust. You are doing wonderfully and soon enough you will feel just as wonderful.
You are not saying that thinner people are happier with your actions.

Cory said...

Don't feel shallow. I feel much better about myself than I did when I started this journey, and most people do. Part of losing weight is learning to love yourself as you are.
As for your friends commenting on it, it's something they can notice and mention. It's sometimes harder to bring up other things because they can't be immediately noticed. And people will rarely be insulted by someone noticing weight loss.

Kim said...

I don't think you are shallow at all. You are still you - big or small. Sure, some things may be different, like your confidence or energy levels and your health - but lots of things about us change over time. We mature, we have more experience, more insight, some people get bitter, others have a greater love of life. Don't worry about how you may or may not have changed - just live each day being you. Your friends and family know you and love you, no matter what your package looks like!!

I'm the one that is shallow. I get NO comments on my weight loss. Grrrrr. Not that I'm doing it just to look "better" but who doesn't want to hear that all of the hard work is paying off??? Sigh. See? Shallow Kim. :(