Friday, July 21, 2006

Where should I start?

I haven't hit that point yet. I haven't hit that point where you are ready to make the commitment to change your life - to lose weight. I keep thinking it will come. It didn't come when I ate that whole medium Pizza Hut pepperoni pizza one night (it was thin crust). It didn't come when summer arrived and I had to put on a bathing suit to enjoy the apartment complex pool I was paying for. I didn't come when my sister said I started looking different (we know what she meant) a few months ago. It didn't come when my underwear started to feel tight. It didn't come when the size 18 jeans from The Gap were almost to tight to button. (I refuse to buy a size 20.) I want it to come, I want that epiphany, that a ha moment. But maybe it isn't just one defining moment. Maybe its a series of little things. I just don't know what's going to tip the scales, so to speak.

I've been thinking about going to a Weight Watchers meeting. This is a big step for me. I always thought those things were ridiculous for someone who'd managed to graduate 7th grade - why count points, when you can count calories? (Sorry to offend.) I can count calories just fine, I even have a book that includes the calories for just about every kind of food in the United States. I just choose not to count them. I guess counting isn't really the whole point. There must be more to it. I mean I've known tons of people over the years who have gone to Weight Watchers - some small, some big. And I've never understood Weight Watchers groups at work. Isn't it just awful to admit to everyone you work with your weakness? I mean if you don't admit you're on a diet, maybe no one notices your overweight?

That's my favorite . . . When my friends who are 5 feet 2 and weigh 100 pounds soaking wet complain about gaining 5 pounds during the first year of our grad school program. Doesn't it ever occur to them that they shouldn't complain about such trivial things in front of someone MY SIZE! But my mom will always say, or some well meaning friend, "They said that because they don't see you as fat." Yeah, right. I think sometimes it's just because they don't really see me at all. Don't get me wrong, everyone has their own troubles and sometimes it means you're a size 4 and you're worried about 5 pounds. I can respect that on one level. Body image is a bitch for everyone. But on another level it just hurts.

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