Squishy Like a Teddy Bear*

Hey there, it's been way too long since I've been back. I've been doing a lot of thinking and Mouse encouraged me to write it out. In some ways I have loved this summer so far. I'm not dripping with sweat by the time I get to work, my thighs rubbing together doesn't give me a rash and skirts are now my favorite clothes to wear (and I don't have to put baby powder all over myself or wear a girdle or spanx), I don't lose my breath when I have a long distance to walk (I walk at least a 1/2 - 1 mile a day during the week and usually about 3 miles a day on the weekends. Hey, it's New York.), it just feels really nice to be alive. That may sound strange to say, but don't we all go through times when we are just getting by? When life is either a struggle or a rut? Well, it is nice to be happy and healthy, and I'm not taking it for granted. One thing that sucks is that I broke one of my toes in May. As a result I haven't run since I left Vegas. It sucks. I see runners everywhere and I wish I could be them. (Which is awesome in itself :) That definitely wasn't the case when I lived here before. I really shouldn't walk on it as much as I do, but I just can't bear to be cooped up inside all the time. I'm nervous it isn't healing properly, of course I didn't go to a doctor when it happened. It's been taped to a "buddy toe", but it is still swollen. But, I digress. Things are good, but here's the not so good.

I feel very squishy. Kinda like a soft stuffed animal. I feel like sometimes someone went into my closet at night and changed all the size tags from 18 to 4 and I'm just a poser. I know, logically I know, that I have lost all the weight, but in some ways I feel more invisible than I did when I was at my highest weight. I know I shouldn't complain, because if I added strength training, which would not require using my injured toe, I could build up my muscle tone and be less squishy. I know, I of all people know, I am in control and I can change my body if I put my mind to it. And I wouldn't change where I am right here, right now, for anything. But, I have to say that the journey through weight loss was more fun than being here in maintenance land. I had a goal to achieve, I was successful, I was motivated. I've said before that I realized long before I committed to losing weight that the likelihood was that I wasn't going to improve my social life by losing weight - that I would still be still in my jammies after work on the couch watching TV - but that I would just be thinner. It's weird when you can predict the future so vividly. So, thanks for letting me complain about successfully accomplishing a long held goal of mine :)

* My first, and only, boyfriend in college was a little overweight (more so than me - to put it into context, I was a size 10 or 12). He was an out of shape ex-football player who stopped exercising when he went to college. He used to complain from time to time about his weight and I didn't know what to say, so I once told him that he was "squishy like a teddy bear" and it made him smile and became a term of endearment. I don't think I would EVER say something like that to a guy now, I don't think it is what anyone would want to hear, but it brings back fond memories that it isn't always a bad thing to be squishy.