Monday, June 23, 2008

Squishy Like a Teddy Bear*

Hey there, it's been way too long since I've been back. I've been doing a lot of thinking and Mouse encouraged me to write it out. In some ways I have loved this summer so far. I'm not dripping with sweat by the time I get to work, my thighs rubbing together doesn't give me a rash and skirts are now my favorite clothes to wear (and I don't have to put baby powder all over myself or wear a girdle or spanx), I don't lose my breath when I have a long distance to walk (I walk at least a 1/2 - 1 mile a day during the week and usually about 3 miles a day on the weekends. Hey, it's New York.), it just feels really nice to be alive. That may sound strange to say, but don't we all go through times when we are just getting by? When life is either a struggle or a rut? Well, it is nice to be happy and healthy, and I'm not taking it for granted. One thing that sucks is that I broke one of my toes in May. As a result I haven't run since I left Vegas. It sucks. I see runners everywhere and I wish I could be them. (Which is awesome in itself :) That definitely wasn't the case when I lived here before. I really shouldn't walk on it as much as I do, but I just can't bear to be cooped up inside all the time. I'm nervous it isn't healing properly, of course I didn't go to a doctor when it happened. It's been taped to a "buddy toe", but it is still swollen. But, I digress. Things are good, but here's the not so good.

I feel very squishy. Kinda like a soft stuffed animal. I feel like sometimes someone went into my closet at night and changed all the size tags from 18 to 4 and I'm just a poser. I know, logically I know, that I have lost all the weight, but in some ways I feel more invisible than I did when I was at my highest weight. I know I shouldn't complain, because if I added strength training, which would not require using my injured toe, I could build up my muscle tone and be less squishy. I know, I of all people know, I am in control and I can change my body if I put my mind to it. And I wouldn't change where I am right here, right now, for anything. But, I have to say that the journey through weight loss was more fun than being here in maintenance land. I had a goal to achieve, I was successful, I was motivated. I've said before that I realized long before I committed to losing weight that the likelihood was that I wasn't going to improve my social life by losing weight - that I would still be still in my jammies after work on the couch watching TV - but that I would just be thinner. It's weird when you can predict the future so vividly. So, thanks for letting me complain about successfully accomplishing a long held goal of mine :)

* My first, and only, boyfriend in college was a little overweight (more so than me - to put it into context, I was a size 10 or 12). He was an out of shape ex-football player who stopped exercising when he went to college. He used to complain from time to time about his weight and I didn't know what to say, so I once told him that he was "squishy like a teddy bear" and it made him smile and became a term of endearment. I don't think I would EVER say something like that to a guy now, I don't think it is what anyone would want to hear, but it brings back fond memories that it isn't always a bad thing to be squishy.


Vickie said...

this site started recently - so it is easy to go back to the beginning and catch up on all their posts.

Sorry about the toe - I have done that too - and it really is a pain!

You said that your were going to be thin with no social life.

I once said "I might as well be thin and crazy" - I did work on the crazy once I got thin - but I think that I know what you mean.

totegirl said...

You've taken steps to increase the quality of your life. Don't ever forget that. You've gained so much self confidence! Don't forget that either!

If your toe wasn't broken and you got to be out there running in Central Park, you probably wouldn't be feeling this way. Just ride out the slump until your toe gets better, and then get out there and get your daily endorphines. Your mindset will change, I just know it!

By the way, I love squishy.

Laura N said...

Hope that toe heals at least by the time the weather starts to turn cooler. That will be a great time to run in NY. I know what you mean about envying runners. I see them on my way to work in the a.m. and wonder, don't they have jobs?! And why can't *I* be out there too?! It's a marvelous thing to have runner's envy. Means you are a true runner.

Do some pushups. Maybe that will help you feel less squishy/more powerful. =)

KL said...

While I've been crapping out, you've been plugging along and doing amazing things. I'm so proud of you!
I'm trying to get back on track, so sorry I've been such a sucky blogger!

marie said...

I totally thought about you the other day when I bought a dress.

I think I look horrible all of the time with my extra pooch on my tummy, especially when I'm doing my Body Pump class, but then I go and buy a dress in a size small and it fits SO well and I look fabulous.

I loved the teddy bear analogy.

angelfish24 said...

Yeah, you are right. Only we can change our bodies or what we don't particularly like about ourselves. We are always a work in progress. I hope your social life picks up, you deserve it girl!

Amazon Alanna said...

We miss you, Trix!