I had dinner and drinks with my friend who just broke up with her boyfriend tonight. She was in pretty good spirits, as she has been throughout this process. She puts up a good front. She started talking about relationships. She's had a steady stream of relationships over the years. I asked her how much time she's spent alone. She came up with something like 6-8 weeks. Weeks! I asked her how she met these men and she said that they just fall into her life when she's not looking (when does she have time to look, I ask you?). She's about a size 0 or a size 2. Granted she's 5'2", but still, I'm 5'4". I'm jealous. She doesn't seem to realize that what she looks like has a lot to do with the attention she has gotten over the years.
When I ask her about my issues with dating, she's sitting there telling me I need to walk into a bar like I own the place and that I'm more attractive than any other woman in the room. How in the world can I do that when I am gigantic compared to her? She said that she is just naturally sort of flirty. I wanted to say that at my weight I'm not allowed to be flirty, but I couldn't. I just couldn't be that vunerable with her. I know that many of you out there are amazing women with great self confidence and are flirty. But I've always gotten shit for trying to be flirty at a larger size. I've pretty much been told to my face, "who do you think you are?"
And when I say larger size, I mean size 12 for God's sake (back before I gained a lot, but not all, of my weight)! It has made me very self-conscious in "co-ed" situations. I feel like I'm not attractive enough to be flirting with any of the guys.
Even so, one thing I am doing to feel good about my accomplishments is that for graduation I am wearing a short black dress that I've had for 10 years, but only recently fit into again, with peep-toe pumps. Totally not business-like, but I figure I have to wear the stupid cap and gown, so I can wear whatever I want to underneath it. Let those guys with their "hot lists" I am definitely not on, who didn't give me a second thought for two years, eat their hearts out and realize what they are going to miss out on. F*ck 'em!
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
6-pack (of Sam Adams Light) abs
Hey there,
So this has felt like a busy week. Time has just flown by. I feel like the scale has a mind of its own. Last week, when I wasn't being particularly good, I lost 3 pounds. This week, when I had 25 extra flex points left, I only lost 0.4 pounds. Oh well. I'm really not that fired up about it. I figure it will all work out in the end. It seems a little strange to be so calm about it. Maybe its also because I know that I drank two 6-packs of Sam Adams Light this week (a total of 24 points). I mean I spaced it over the 7 day period, but still, that is a good amount of beer. I do tend to have beer every week, but not necessarily that much. I think that's why I'm only down 0.4 lbs. I write this as I am drinking yet another bottle. I have been getting lax in my nutrition plan. I told myself I bought it because a friend of mine was spending the night and I didn't know if she wanted wine or beer, but I think I knew differently. Oh well. If I'm going to drink it, I guess I have to pay the price.
The friend that I mentioned is actually currently sleeping on my couch. Her boyfriend of a year broke up with her. She's one tough cookie, but she couldn't deal with being home alone tonight. I'm happy to have her. I've been spending a lot of time with her this week because they had already broken up once about a week ago and then it was officially final last night. I feel bad for her. I hate to say it, but I only kinda know how she feels. I've only had one boyfriend and that was when I was 19. That break up was tough, and I did the breaking up. I just remember sobbing in his dorm room while I told him it was over. He was a great guy. I was a fool. He's married now, but isn't everyone my age.
I did something monumental this weekend ... I cleaned out my closet. I moved my suits and good work clothes that no longer fit to the hall closet so that I can sell them at a consignment shop or give them to Dress for Success, a wonderful charity that always needs large sizes. They give women in need gently worn suits for job interviews. Their rule is that you should only donate what you would feel confident wearing in an interview. Their website is http://www.dressforsuccess.org/. I think I am going to give them to Dress for Success. It will make me feel better that someone in need is feeling special in my suits than if I get $25 bucks for them from a consignment shop. Anyway, I also cleared out all the pants that have holes in them (from my thighs rubbing together) and threw them away. And I piled up all the regular, everyday clothes that are too big. I was going to wait to give them to a thrift store, since I am moving in a few months, but I think I might do it this weekend. I have heard it is healthier to give away the sizes you grow out of so you aren't tempted to backslide. It is really weird to think I have gotten too small for some of my clothes. I'm looking at the pile right now. I don't know what to think. I've gotten used to getting larger, not smaller.
Water aerobics ended this week. I'm bummed. I was going to join the master's swim club at the university but they are only practicing in the outdoor pool at 6:30am until June 9th. I think I am going to wait to see if I'm still going to be in the area after June 9th before I join them. I am soooo not a morning person. I have a cardiosculpt aerobics video coming from Netflix. Now I just need to find my hand weights. I'm excited about it. I haven't done an aerobics DVD in a few months. It's good to change things up, whether you want to or not.
I hope you all are doing well this week. I am going to try to start to post more often, so don't be surprised if you see another post in a few days.
Take care!
Trixie
So this has felt like a busy week. Time has just flown by. I feel like the scale has a mind of its own. Last week, when I wasn't being particularly good, I lost 3 pounds. This week, when I had 25 extra flex points left, I only lost 0.4 pounds. Oh well. I'm really not that fired up about it. I figure it will all work out in the end. It seems a little strange to be so calm about it. Maybe its also because I know that I drank two 6-packs of Sam Adams Light this week (a total of 24 points). I mean I spaced it over the 7 day period, but still, that is a good amount of beer. I do tend to have beer every week, but not necessarily that much. I think that's why I'm only down 0.4 lbs. I write this as I am drinking yet another bottle. I have been getting lax in my nutrition plan. I told myself I bought it because a friend of mine was spending the night and I didn't know if she wanted wine or beer, but I think I knew differently. Oh well. If I'm going to drink it, I guess I have to pay the price.
The friend that I mentioned is actually currently sleeping on my couch. Her boyfriend of a year broke up with her. She's one tough cookie, but she couldn't deal with being home alone tonight. I'm happy to have her. I've been spending a lot of time with her this week because they had already broken up once about a week ago and then it was officially final last night. I feel bad for her. I hate to say it, but I only kinda know how she feels. I've only had one boyfriend and that was when I was 19. That break up was tough, and I did the breaking up. I just remember sobbing in his dorm room while I told him it was over. He was a great guy. I was a fool. He's married now, but isn't everyone my age.
I did something monumental this weekend ... I cleaned out my closet. I moved my suits and good work clothes that no longer fit to the hall closet so that I can sell them at a consignment shop or give them to Dress for Success, a wonderful charity that always needs large sizes. They give women in need gently worn suits for job interviews. Their rule is that you should only donate what you would feel confident wearing in an interview. Their website is http://www.dressforsuccess.org/. I think I am going to give them to Dress for Success. It will make me feel better that someone in need is feeling special in my suits than if I get $25 bucks for them from a consignment shop. Anyway, I also cleared out all the pants that have holes in them (from my thighs rubbing together) and threw them away. And I piled up all the regular, everyday clothes that are too big. I was going to wait to give them to a thrift store, since I am moving in a few months, but I think I might do it this weekend. I have heard it is healthier to give away the sizes you grow out of so you aren't tempted to backslide. It is really weird to think I have gotten too small for some of my clothes. I'm looking at the pile right now. I don't know what to think. I've gotten used to getting larger, not smaller.
Water aerobics ended this week. I'm bummed. I was going to join the master's swim club at the university but they are only practicing in the outdoor pool at 6:30am until June 9th. I think I am going to wait to see if I'm still going to be in the area after June 9th before I join them. I am soooo not a morning person. I have a cardiosculpt aerobics video coming from Netflix. Now I just need to find my hand weights. I'm excited about it. I haven't done an aerobics DVD in a few months. It's good to change things up, whether you want to or not.
I hope you all are doing well this week. I am going to try to start to post more often, so don't be surprised if you see another post in a few days.
Take care!
Trixie
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
They Noticed!
Thanks to everyone for your comments. You made really good points about people who see me every day not noticing a gradual weight loss. And you reminded me that it isn't always a good thing for people to notice. Ironically, 4 people said things to me about my weight loss on Saturday, the day after my last post. The first was my psychiatrist. Then, I went to a party and one of my friend's boyfriend who hasn't seen me for a while was very complimentary - but not in an icky uncomfortable sort of way.
That was enough attention for me. Everything has gone back to normal and no one has said anything since Saturday. That makes me happy. As some of you said, when someone says you look wonderful after a weight loss it makes you think "What did you think about what I used to look like?" And that never turns out well.
So, I have good news . . . I've entered the 170's! 178.4 lbs. to be exact. I'm so surprised and excited. I got misty at my Weight Watchers meeting tonight. I can't believe I've lost so much weight. There was a woman there tonight who has lost 80 lbs., which is so great. I went over to talk with her after and she is super friendly. A little crazy, but aren't we all. We didn't end up talking about weight loss, just life in general.
So, according to the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute's BMI calculator, a BMI of over 30 is obese. My BMI is now 30.6. If I lose 3.6 more lbs. I'll have a BMI of 29.9 and I will then be "overweight"! Yeah! I never thought I'd be so excited to be overweight! :)
That was enough attention for me. Everything has gone back to normal and no one has said anything since Saturday. That makes me happy. As some of you said, when someone says you look wonderful after a weight loss it makes you think "What did you think about what I used to look like?" And that never turns out well.
So, I have good news . . . I've entered the 170's! 178.4 lbs. to be exact. I'm so surprised and excited. I got misty at my Weight Watchers meeting tonight. I can't believe I've lost so much weight. There was a woman there tonight who has lost 80 lbs., which is so great. I went over to talk with her after and she is super friendly. A little crazy, but aren't we all. We didn't end up talking about weight loss, just life in general.
So, according to the National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute's BMI calculator, a BMI of over 30 is obese. My BMI is now 30.6. If I lose 3.6 more lbs. I'll have a BMI of 29.9 and I will then be "overweight"! Yeah! I never thought I'd be so excited to be overweight! :)
Friday, April 13, 2007
Friends
Hey there! I know it's been a while. Sorry if you've stopped by and I haven't had a new post in awhile. I've been tied up with school work and job search stuff. Nothing interesting to report. I'll let you know if I get any cool interviews. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
I've been wondering lately what's been missing in my life. I've checked to make sure I have my keys, I've made sure I know where my car is, but still I've been wondering. And I finally realized it tonight. I've missed my blog friends. I've missed you guys. I've missed visiting your blogs and being inspired. I've missed laughing and crying while ready about your adventures. And I've missed you stopping by here and leaving your supportive comments. I need to build in time in my schedule to make sure I keep blogging. This community is really important to me. :)
But on the topic of friends, I must say mine are starting to annoy me. I go to school with about 100 people. I'm not friends with everyone, but we all know each other to at least say hi, if not to have a beer together. Some of them I see everyday. Others I see every couple months. Can I tell you that only 2 of them have said anything about my weight loss. Only 2. Thankfully they have been super supportive and not pushed too much. But they are the only 2 who also know I'm doing WW. I have a group of about 5 pretty close girl friends (1 of the 2 people who know is in this group). None of the other ones have said anything remotely about it. We were talking in my WW meeting this week about managing people who ask about your weight loss and all the stupid things they say. And I said, "How do you manage it when people don't talk about your weight loss. Have they just not noticed?" And my meeting leader, dear sweet Melvin, said, "How much weight have you lost?" And I said, "Over 40 pounds." And he said, "Oh girl, they definitely noticed." So, why aren't they saying anything? They are all thinner than me. Is it that I haven't lost enough weight for them to be impressed? It is just starting to hurt my feelings that I have accomplished this big thing and they haven't said anything. I don't want to say that I think about it all the time, but I do think about it a couple times a week. Is it wrong for me to think they are kinda being jerks and insensitive?
Here's my secret. One of the excuses I used to use when I was overweight (well, I still am) was that I didn't want people to start paying attention to me when I lost weight and say things to me because I'd get self-conscious and be uncomfortable. I never told anyone that. Well isn't this irony because I have gotten what I wanted! :) No one is saying a thing.
Sorry to complain. I just needed to get it out. I feel better now. Now it's time for me to go visit your blogs! :)
I've been wondering lately what's been missing in my life. I've checked to make sure I have my keys, I've made sure I know where my car is, but still I've been wondering. And I finally realized it tonight. I've missed my blog friends. I've missed you guys. I've missed visiting your blogs and being inspired. I've missed laughing and crying while ready about your adventures. And I've missed you stopping by here and leaving your supportive comments. I need to build in time in my schedule to make sure I keep blogging. This community is really important to me. :)
But on the topic of friends, I must say mine are starting to annoy me. I go to school with about 100 people. I'm not friends with everyone, but we all know each other to at least say hi, if not to have a beer together. Some of them I see everyday. Others I see every couple months. Can I tell you that only 2 of them have said anything about my weight loss. Only 2. Thankfully they have been super supportive and not pushed too much. But they are the only 2 who also know I'm doing WW. I have a group of about 5 pretty close girl friends (1 of the 2 people who know is in this group). None of the other ones have said anything remotely about it. We were talking in my WW meeting this week about managing people who ask about your weight loss and all the stupid things they say. And I said, "How do you manage it when people don't talk about your weight loss. Have they just not noticed?" And my meeting leader, dear sweet Melvin, said, "How much weight have you lost?" And I said, "Over 40 pounds." And he said, "Oh girl, they definitely noticed." So, why aren't they saying anything? They are all thinner than me. Is it that I haven't lost enough weight for them to be impressed? It is just starting to hurt my feelings that I have accomplished this big thing and they haven't said anything. I don't want to say that I think about it all the time, but I do think about it a couple times a week. Is it wrong for me to think they are kinda being jerks and insensitive?
Here's my secret. One of the excuses I used to use when I was overweight (well, I still am) was that I didn't want people to start paying attention to me when I lost weight and say things to me because I'd get self-conscious and be uncomfortable. I never told anyone that. Well isn't this irony because I have gotten what I wanted! :) No one is saying a thing.
Sorry to complain. I just needed to get it out. I feel better now. Now it's time for me to go visit your blogs! :)
Monday, April 02, 2007
And then she said, "Have a Thin Week!"
Okay, so I haven't posted in a week because I've been feeling super guilty. I was okay during my spring break in Vegas, but I wasn't really good. I was up when I weighed in there, which I expected, but if you recall in my last post I said I had come to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to be able to take the 1.6 pounds off in 1 week. Well, I weighed-in last Thursday and I was down ... 3.8 pounds! Craziness I tell you! Something must be wrong with the scales at my Weight Watchers because I did not do enought to be down that much. Maybe the Las Vegas scales overestimated how much I was up, but still. I get weighed in on Thursdays and I didn't start watching my points again until a week ago Sunday. So from Sunday-Thursday I was super good, but I only exercised for 120 minutes. I just don't think its fair I went down that much. So, I feel guilty. I feel like I don't deserve it. Like I got some special prize that everyone else who is working harder deserves, but didn't get. This week my goal is to just keep it off.
I'm also a little worried that I don't eat enough when I am "on plan". So I started to eat a little bit more, but trying to do it healthfully. Like eating another cup of vegetables or another small boneless, skinless chicken thigh at dinner, or another cup of Cheerios in the morning. We'll see what happens when I get weighed in on Thursday.
Okay, so you might be wondering what "Have a Thin Week" means. Well, when I left the Las Vegas Weight Watchers meeting that is what the trainee meeting leader said to me and my mother. Oh my! I thought she was insane! If my meeting leader said that to me I think I would find a new meeting. My mom also thought she was crazy. I guess Weight Watchers' personality varies from region to region. Mine is pretty laid back. Has anyone at Weight Watchers ever told you to "have a thin week"? Would it bother you?
I'm also a little worried that I don't eat enough when I am "on plan". So I started to eat a little bit more, but trying to do it healthfully. Like eating another cup of vegetables or another small boneless, skinless chicken thigh at dinner, or another cup of Cheerios in the morning. We'll see what happens when I get weighed in on Thursday.
Okay, so you might be wondering what "Have a Thin Week" means. Well, when I left the Las Vegas Weight Watchers meeting that is what the trainee meeting leader said to me and my mother. Oh my! I thought she was insane! If my meeting leader said that to me I think I would find a new meeting. My mom also thought she was crazy. I guess Weight Watchers' personality varies from region to region. Mine is pretty laid back. Has anyone at Weight Watchers ever told you to "have a thin week"? Would it bother you?
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