So I had an interesting Friday night. I was just going to go out to dinner with my sister, but we ended up going out for drinks afterwards. I guess I hadn't had enough to eat that day (Cherrios, coffee, fish and green beans) and I honestly drank too much. I didn't do anything too embarrassing (the worst thing I did was give my number to a guy who didn't ask for it (who I will never run into again) - embarrassing, but not criminal or mortifying in my book).
But I did notice that all of a sudden I had this tremendous urge to talk to guys when she started getting attention from this one guy. Not just talk, but flirt. I should say attempt to flirt. And normally avoid talking with guys, unless its about school or work. I'm just nervous that they are judging me by what I look like, so I don't really bother talking to them. Even when I weighed less, I've never been that smooth and now most of my material is about 10 years old. That's how long its been since my early twenties when I went out to bars with friends to meet guys. (That wasn't the intention of the night, but that's what ended up happening.) See the thing was, I was able to fit into a jacket I haven't been able to wear in a long while. It made me feel powerful and attractive. And I think that feeling went to my head and I just got really chatty. I'm just so bad at talking to guys. I think it is obvious when I am talking to them that I have no self-confidence. My self-deprecating jokes are just bad. I guess I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I was wondering if some of you out there in blog land would share your stories of when you first met the guy you are currently involved with. Where were you? Who approached who? Was it a blind date? What did you talk about? Were you nervous? Were you immediately attracted to him? Were you alone, or with a group of people?
I'd like to hear about real success stories because fictional ones on TV leave me feeling hopeless.
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Met him on match.com. He was totally not "my type." My type was cocky, sarcastic, smoker, partier, funny, and... an asshole, apparently, because every guy I dated before Chris was a jerk.
Anyway, I almost wrote him off, because he was just so DIFFERENT than what I was used to. I even called him "my anti-guy" the next morning at work while giving my buddies the post-date dish. But... then he surprised me. He called! The morning after our date! To tell em what a great time he'd had, and ask if he could see me again. And he was just so SWEET to me.. and I found myself opening up to him about all these different things about my life, feelings, etc. that I'd kept so hidden and locked up for so long... and it really bonded us. I cried in front of him on, like, our third date (long story) and realized that it was the first time I'd cried in about 4 years. I told him about my feelings about my weight almost before I'd admitted them to myself. I told him about my massive credit card debt... nobody knew, nobody in the whole world.
And instead of judging me, instead of criticizing or freaking out and walking away, he just said "well, we'll fix it together."
And we did. :-)
met mine in an AA meeting. :-) wasn't looking for anyone, had reached a point of being so happy with myself and my life that i really had no interest.
noticed him across the table all wrapped up and vibrating, only 6 months sober. he shared about being on a pink cloud, really happy and excited about being sober.
as will occasionally happen, he was attacked by other members not so willing to work the steps to achieve that pink cloud goal.
that pissed me off because i have pretty much been on a pink cloud since i got sober, or at least a few years thereafter. pink clouds are just the result of working the steps and staying in Contact.
so after the prayer i said "you don't have to get off that cloud, just keep doing what you're doing now and you can stay there." after that we chatted a little in meetings now and then and were friendly, as meeting people will be.
he's not my type. i generally fall for assholes. he's got enough cockiness and pride to attract me, but not enough to be a total dick.
so after a friday night meeting we were all standing around out front and he said "is anyone going to eureka springs to the conference?" mumbles of no all around. he turned to me and said "do you want to go?" he had just bought a new truck and wanted to go somewhere. out of character, i said "okay."
someone else said there was a poker game across town. i went, he went, we sat across from each other and i drew a royal flush. he said "way to go, babe" and i was hooked. any man who calls me babe ;-)
the thing about him was that i was completely unsefconscious with him. i was pretty skinny for me, and i felt kickass and i was happy, so i didn't need anything from him.
we just had a great time, found we had lots of interests in common, and it's been wonderful ever since. that was 1992. we moved in together 3 weeks later ~ not recommended in anyone's book, but it's worked for us. we did get married in 2000, but mainly for the satisfaction of the old folks.
wonderful relationships, wonderful men, and lots of love is out there. i think the most important thing for me was to be utterly content with myself and happy just as i was.
don't know, just my experience. wouldn't trade for any one of the hordes who came before him.
by the way, my becoming content with myself was the result of spending six years without ANY relationships at all. it happened after a bad breakup, then i realized in my heartbreak, i'd started to accomplish a lot of really cool things, like finishing college, buying a house, getting the job of my dreams. things went so well, i just kept after it and somehow in the absence of a man, the inside of me rearranged itself and the need for male approval went away and i got okay all on my own.
Jess,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. It totally made me smile imagining you opening up to this sweet guy. I know what you mean about assholes. I have to admit though that I think I'm safe from dating them because they pretty much intimidate the heck out of me to the point where I would never really have a conversation with one of them! Thanks for letting me know there are good stories about relationships out there.
Trixie
Jess,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. It totally made me smile imagining you opening up to this sweet guy. I know what you mean about assholes. I have to admit though that I think I'm safe from dating them because they pretty much intimidate the heck out of me to the point where I would never really have a conversation with one of them! Thanks for letting me know there are good stories about relationships out there.
Trixie
Belle,
Thanks for sharing your story with me. It sounds like once it started it became passionate and romantic and like a whirlwind. Isn't it funny how a guy can call you a pet name or a nickname and it just triggers something in you?
I know what you mean about needing to be good on your own before you get together with a guy. I'm actually the poster child for being single. I haven't been on a date in like almost 10 years. My last boyfriend was when I was a freshman in college ... in 1992. I'm horrible with relationships as you can see. Basically I guess I've never felt like I deserved to be in a relationship and I have trust issues. When push comes to shove its easier for me to be single than to try to date. The weight has been an excuse for a long time. I always say that if I was thinner I'd start to date. I've realized that is just an excuse holding me back. I'm not saying that once I lose the weight I want to I'm immediately jump on match.com, in fact that's pretty unlikely. And I am scared that I'm going to fall for the first asshole who is nice to me. However, I think I am going to be so critical of how any guy treats me that the assholes won't have much of a chance. Or maybe I'm just in denial. Basically, I have no idea what I am doing!
Trixie
It was long ago, think 1989 when I met him, my hubby. We met in a bar and he came up and asked me to dance. I didn't think much of it at first and he was nice. I used to go for the assholes too who made me feel crappier than ever when the relationship was over. So I decided to give this nice guy a chance. We went on another date that weekend (as he was from out of state) and later that week he sent me roses. That got me. He also wrote to me which was cool. We did the long distance relationship thing for 6 months and then I moved to Cal. to be with him. It was risky but it worked out for us and got married two years later. Don't know how it happened, think that I stopped looking for a guy and then I met the one. I always hated the small talk too.
I got on match.com b/c my best friend (who is now marrying a Match guy three years later) wanted me to see the guys she was looking at. But I--being a perfectionist-- couldn't do it halfway, so I put up pictures and everything. It was actually a great ego-booster after a bad break-up b/c thousands of guys were looking at my profile in a short period of time, and I thought, "Wow, maybe I'm cuter than I think."
After hearing from all sorts of guys who didn't interest me, I took matters into my own hands and searched for college-educated, Christian, politically liberal guys within 60 miles of me who were between the ages of 25 and 30. There were maybe 8 that popped up. I winked at . . . perhaps 3 of them. One of them sent me an incredibly long email in response to my profile. He'd actually read and paid attention to my profile, which was a great start--and he was clearly intelligent, thoughftul, and witty. Plus, he was cute; I sent his photos to several of my friends, and they were all impressed. He lived about 60 miles away in Atlanta.
After a few emails, we talked on the phone for a week or two, because he was out of town at a conference part of that time. We just clicked. We talked all hours of the day and night. The day he got back from the conference, I decided to surprise him by going to Atlanta and seeing if he wanted to meet up. It's funny to think of this now, but I was really nervous about meeting him because I was almost at my highest weight ever, and he was thin. We met up, and . . . he looked like a geeky disaster. He was wearing inappropriately dressy black shoes, black cuffed pants--two inches too short--with pleats, a tight black polo shirt, and a brown jacket. He also very badly needed a haircut.
But I'd spent two weeks talking to him and realizing what a wonderful person he was, and I quickly realized none of that other stuff was anything that couldn't be changed. We hit it off immensely. On our third date, I brought him new jeans. (He'd never heard of 'boot cut' before for Pete's sake). After we'd dated for 9 months, he proposed at a surprise birthday party he had planned for me. I never thought I would marry someone I hadn't known for many years, but it was just all . . . right. We got married after having dated a year and a half.
Our one-year wedding anniversary is coming up soon. Of course our relationship takes work, but . . . I wish I had realized how wonderful a guy, how compatible a guy, was out there waiting for me. I wouldn't have stayed in unworthy relationships nearly as long if I had realized I could find someone as wonderful as my husband.
(And I have three friends marrying match.com guys this year and five friends and relatives who already have! It's an epidemic. It does take weeding out the guys who are just crazy or purely horny, though.)
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