Friday was a great day and a bad day. It was the last day of my summer internship and the interns had plans after work to celebrate. At first I planned to have "just one drink" and go home and make dinner. When we got to the bar/restaurant to celebrate I realized I was hungry, so I ordered a salad with my beer. I was proud of myself. After about an hour everyone decided they wanted to go into the city and I thought to myself, "Why am I going to go home and sit alone on my couch like I do every Friday night?" So, I went along.
We got to the bar, ordered pitchers of beer and water, and started looking at the menu. There weren't any healthy options. We were deciding between pizza and mozzarella sticks - we ended up getting both. The pizza wasn't very good, so I only had two pieces. (Why did I have the second slice?) The mozzarella sticks were good, so I had three. We were there for hours. More pitchers of beer followed, highlighted with jello shots. I felt like a kid again. It was fun. I didn't feel that fat.
Around 2am we decided we were done with the now crowded bar and went to a diner. At 2am, the last thing I wanted was a salad at a sketchy diner. I ended up getting a burger and fries. Not the best I've ever had, but it certainly hit the spot.
Yesterday I was doing well, even though I was out with different friends. But then they wanted to get ice cream after dinner and I rewarded myself by getting a double scoop cone. I kept telling myself that I hadn't eaten that much today, so the calories would balance out. Yeah, right.
Now its Sunday and I'm afraid of recording what I ate on Friday and Saturday at myfooddiary.com. I know the calorie count is going to be high. I think I'm more worried about just putting it somewhere permanent, where I'll be reminded of it, where I can't push it out of my mind. I can rationalize that nights like that are a rarity. But still, no one was forcing me to eat that food. Making good food choices seems so hard when you are surrounded by other people who aren't concerned about the same things. I'm disappointed in myself. The guilt is awful. I was doing so well and now I wonder if I'll ever be able to handle social situations. Now I don't want to go to the pool today because I am so self-conscious, something that never bothered me before (well, there's a new group of guys who just moved into the complex, and that might have something to do with it, but that's for another post).
So, I'm just sitting in my living room, watching TV in my pajamas and staring out the window at a beautiful day I'm not enjoying because I feel fat.
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8 comments:
The best thing you can do for yourself if to to let it go sometimes. Most people who give it up totally are the ones who are the strickest on themselves. Just do not make it a habbit that is all, but you need to have friends, there is no point getting the body you want if you have no freinds to enjoy it with.
It is not how many times you fall off the wagon, as long as you get back on it. :)
Don’t be self conscious. I was and missed out on things.
Journal all food down and move on.
It was a few mistakes no reason to beat yourself up about it.
Bring a nutrition guide that way you can figure how many calories a slice of pizza is.
I am not embarrassed about bringing my food guide with me.
Tyler and Iportion are right. Don't get too down on yourself over this. You do need to live life, and occaisionally heading out and about having a good time with friends is really important. Social situation must come up, and you have to learn to deal with them. By going out like this you will learn how you cope with the social scene and can prepare for it next time.
The main thing is not letting it get to you and make you feel like you are right now. That can lead to staying off the wagon and eating more and feeling even worse (the cycle that I had been on prior to starting my fight against fat, that's for sure!). As Iportion said, journal the food in and then move on. What's done is done, just learn from it and get back to your goals.
Nice blog by the way, I really like it! I haven't been to the food diary site you mentioned, but I will check it out now.
Thanks Tyler, iportion, phat fighter and cookie for your advice. I was honest and accurately recorded what I ate on Friday and Saturday in my food journal and felt like the proverbial weight was lifted off my shoulders. I appreciate your support. It was good advice!
Isn't it amazing how alcohol can make someone really comfortable in their own skin? Frightening. For me, it starts out that way, but I'l hit a point where the more I have, the more paranoid I am about my size.
Quick question...isnt' Trixie Belden the main character from a really old series written in the 50s?
Hey Amazon Alanna,
The scary thing alcohol made me do that night was chatting up 21 year old boys when I'm 33! When I realized how ridiculous I must have looked at my age (and size) and slunk back to the table with my friends.
You're right - Trixie Belden was a series of girl detective novels in the '50s. I loved them when I was a kid in the '70s/'80s and I always wanted to be either Trixie or her best friend Honey Wheeler.
It's so sad reading your post.
Haha, I was just going to say what everyone else is saying - don't be hard on yourself.
The saying "fell off the wagon" wouldn't exist if it were easy to change our habits, whatever they may be.
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