You're All So Sweet!

Seriously, thanks for all your well wishes and compliments to my 75 lbs. lost post. It really means a lot to me that you care :)

So, sorry it's been a week since my last post - things have been a little crazy here. But that's no excuse! I do have a story to tell. Inspired by Kim's dress shopping, I did a little shopping myself last weekend. I needed a new suit because my existing suit (with the tags still on it) is now too big. So, I'm now in a size 6! Craziness! I haven't been a size 6 in like 20 years or more. Full disclosure though, I tried on a jacket in J Crew the same day and I needed a size 10 if I wanted to button it across my chest. (Didn't buy the jacket. You all know I don't have the money.) But, I am oh so fine with that my friends! I also bought a pair of pants at a different store in size 6, so it isn't a total fluke. (They were on sale.) So, riding high on my wave of pride, I went to the expensive and trendy part of Nordstrom's to try on crazy expensive jeans. You know what I mean, like $166 jeans. I had no intention of buying them, I just always wanted to be able to try them on. I was always so jealous when I saw women walking down the street in NYC wearing Citizens of Humanity or Seven for All Mankind. I couldn't believe I might have actually gotten to the point where I could slide those bad boys over my hips! So, I went to the rack and picked the biggest sizes I could find (31 and 32). I still don't know what those numbers mean, but they were the highest numbers, so I figured they were the only ones likely to fit! So, I went to the dressing room and a saleswoman stopped me. I thought she was going to tell me I didn't belong there (always a neurotic fear of mine). Instead she was very nice and found me a dressing room. The 32's WERE TOO BIG!!!! I couldn't believe it. I had a baggie butt. One pair of 31's fit just right, although the waist was a little too low, and the other pair of 31's WOULDN'T EVEN FIT UP MY CALVES!!!! I had to laugh because I have been in that situation so many times over the past 15 years! It felt so familiar to be standing in front of a mirror and thinking, "Why did I ever think these would fit?" Of course, what was nice about this time was that I could say that it was okay that one pair didn't fit, because another pair did. And bottom-line, I had the cojones to at least try the d*mn jeans on. I didn't chicken out and say I wasn't worth it, or that I didn't belong. I gave it a go and it was fun. However, no matter how much money I make, I don't think I will ever drop $166 on a pair of jeans. Too rich for my blood.

So, I guess the moral of my story is that I realized that whether or not some stupid pair of expensive jeans fit or not, I'm worth it and I always was!

Oh my gosh, I hit 75 lbs. lost!

I can't believe it. I wasn't expecting it at my weigh-in today. I'm officially down 75.4 lbs! I'm in shock. I want to celebrate, but I don't know what to do with myself! This is so exciting, I think I should dance around my living room.

Okay, done dancing... I must say the more weight I lose, the more worried I get in a way. I know it sounds odd, but I keep wondering when I'm going to start gaining weight again. I mean, can I really keep it off? Honestly, I get enough to eat and I don't feel like I'm depriving myself, but I pretty much eat every meal alone, so I'm never jealous of what is on someone else's plate. I've stopped keeping alcohol in the house. So, I don't have many temptations (excluding the odd craving for Skinny Cow or Klondikes). I'm not sure if my goal is low enough. It is the top number on the weight loss charts for someone my height. Some charts say its 140 and some say 141. Should I reset my goal for 135 so I have some wiggle room? Or should I say to hell with the height/weight charts, I'm happy when I get to 141?

I now weigh less than my mother. This is a big deal. I haven't weighed less than my mother since I was a kid. What if I'm a smaller size than she is? Have I betrayed her in some way by losing this weight? Should I stop losing weight so that I don't get any smaller than she is? (This isn't based on anything she has said, this is all the crazy stuff in my head.)

So, you can see I have mixed emotions about getting down towards my goal weight. I've been scared of it and now I can see it coming and I don't know how to handle it.

Confessions & New Blog

I ate a Klondike bar today and it was heavenly! Better than all 6 Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches put together! And I only had one. I went somewhere I could buy it individually packaged and I savored every bite. It was 6 points, but I figure I gotta live a little :)


I just started a new blog tonight. It's called ...
"In the Red" (http://www.inthered2007.blogspot.com/). The focus is my personal finance issues (debt and unemployment), but I really don't know what it's going to be like. In the beginning I think it is going to be mostly confessional - admitting things and sharing things I don't even want my mom to know. I'm not going to tell any friends or family the address and they don't know to look for Trixie Belden online either. Hopefully it won't sound too whiny or self-serving, but I'm not promising anything :) I'm hoping to find people who can relate to my situation because they have been there, just like on the weight loss blogs. I just need a place to get things off of my chest and a chance to refer back to them as I progress (hopefully in a positive direction) on this journey through life with sizable debt. All of you have been so supportive, I wanted to share this new venture as well.

It's Called Being Creative

Hey there. Hope you all are doing well. I am off the Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich ledge and feeling much better. I didn't eat the other 2 ice cream sandwiches that night, but I don't think I'll be buying another 6 pack of anything (ice cream, beer, etc.) any time soon. Those things always get me into trouble with control and over-eating issues. I wish I still lived in NYC where you can buy 1 ice cream treat or 1 bottle of beer at a corner bodega any time you want. Of course it is a higher per unit cost, but the per a** cheek cost is lower by far.

I haven't been working out much now that the pool is closed and I have to spend $7 every time I want to do water aerobics. I limited myself to only doing it 2 times this past week. It was lovely, but I just couldn't justify spending the money for the third session. You'll also be proud of me that I have stopped buying non-fat smoothies after working out and I have stopped buying mocha light frappucinos after my WW meetings each week. These "treats" weren't effecting my waist line in a bad way, but they were putting a dent in my pocket book. I need to motivate myself to start working out on land. I'm back to trying to get myself excited over my Cardio Sculpt DVD. It's good, but it ain't water aerobics.

On the job front things aren't looking up. I have a lead on a position at a big candy company located in the middle of nowhere (compared to NYC), but you know how most leads work out for me. I applied for a job at Barnes & Noble on Craigslist, but I think I have to go in and fill out an application too. Believe it or not, I'm actually looking forward to working at B&N - I love books. But, I have no worry I'll spend my money at the store b/c I am a firm believer in libraries. I have about 4 books out right now and I have about 9 CDs and 10 DVDs of popular TV shows on hold b/c I'm getting my cable shut off today. *sniff* But, I'm psyched about everything my little library system has to offer.

Okay, time to get pretty - I have a BBQ to go to. Kinda strange since I am usually a hermit.

Take care, Trixie

Help!

It's 8:13pm and I just ate 4 Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches in a row. I think I only really tasted the first 2. They come 6 in a package and I am vowing right now that I WILL NOT eat the other 2 tonight. D*mn Skinny Cow! I can't handle portion control even with fake ice cream. That's why I had to make a special trip to the grocery store to buy them. I was okay with having 3 since they are *only* 140 calories a piece. But 4 pushed me over the edge to the place where I used to eat an entire medium sized pizza myself. I usually over-eat alone. And I haven't exercised since Wednesday.

I guess my stress is showing up in my eating. Any suggestions?

Half Empty or Half Full?

Sorry I've been MIA. Things have been a little crazy here and I just haven't been up to sharing about my weight loss or everything else that's going on.

First, the good news. I got a adjunct teaching position at a local university for the fall semester. I am a late to the start of the semester replacement for an introductory marketing class. I'm thrilled. I have always wanted to teach and here's my chance to see if I'm good at it/enjoy it. I had my first class yesterday and it couldn't have gone better if I had tried. The kids participated, took notes, were well-behaved (college juniors and seniors). Keep your fingers crossed that the rest of the semester goes 1/2 as well.

Next, the bad news. You may or may not know that adjunct faculty positions pay peanuts. What I will make this semester doesn't even cover 1 months expenses. I have been looking tirelessly for a full-time job, but now I'm looking for positions that will at least pay me a fraction of what I need so that I can supplement the money I need to ... borrow from family. I won't go into the details now, but as I'm sure you know, borrowing money from family can be messy, frustrating, embarrassing and just plain sucks. I thought I had trimmed all my expenses to the minimum, but now I'm thinking of even shutting my TV off entirely. (I'm a TV junky, and had been pursuing work in television, so that is a big step for me.) Now, it just seems like a frivolous expense. I'm trying desperately to stay in my current apartment since I don't know where I'll get a job and when I'll need to move. (Although I have every intention of seeing the semester through with my class.)

Okay, so I do have some good news. All of this stress has actually encouraged me to exercise MORE. Water aerobics has been great and I'm trying to come up with a way to continue to afford it and Weight Watchers, but I think water aerobics is going to have to go. I have also been eating really well. I just found out at my weigh-in yesterday that I have officially lost a total of 70 lbs. It feels good to have one thing in my life working, but I don't know if I'd rather have some of those 70 lbs. back if I could also have money to support myself. I have been self-sufficient since college graduation 12 years ago, so this whole money thing feels like a big failure of mine on so many levels.

So, thank you for letting me go on and on about my tale of woe. I appreciate you letting me share. I know I am not the only one with money problems out there, so I hope you will not find me too selfish - I am lucky enough to have family who are willing and able to help me.

I'll keep you posted on everything and promise to write more soon.

Do Blondes Really Have More Fun?

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your supportive comments about my last post. It is always risky to post pictures of yourself, but I felt comfortable doing that with all of you and I was right, you made me feel like I belong. Oh, and I love the fact that some of you thought I had blonde hair and blue eyes because of the Trixie cartoon!

I've gotten into a workout zone the past two weeks. I've pretty much been working out every day - Monday I even worked out twice! Actually, I might work out twice tomorrow too. I have gotten into the habit of going to the pool in my apartment complex when it opens to swim laps and then on Mondays and Wednesdays I've been meeting people at school to do water aerobics ourselves. It's been working out really well. They are motivating and really nice people, so it's fun too.

The sad thing is that the pool here closes on Labor Day and we'll stop meeting on Mondays and Wednesdays once the next water aerobics class session starts on 9/17. I've decided not to sign up for the session. It's $60 for 10 classes - not a bad deal, but I don't have any income right now and I just can't justify it when I have exercise DVDs at home and access to a gym in my apartment complex. I know I love the water, but I have to be fiscally responsible too.

It's weird. I'm still not feeling much different with my weight loss. The positive thing I can say is that strangers don't treat me any differently. I actually never had a problem with people commenting about my weight, I just felt like people stared at me and watched what I ordered. I don't feel that way now. I guess I am much more comfortable with myself. So, I guess there are some changes. I just don't feel like my self-esteem has really changed. I didn't really want it to change just because I lost weight, because what would that say about how I felt about myself 68 lbs. ago. I guess it has made me realize I can accomplish what I put my mind to, even if it takes a while to achieve my goal. It's helping me stay grounded in the face of a thus far unsuccessful job search. If I can lose weight, I can find a good job! :)

P.S. I have a message for Crankybee if she's reading this ... I can't seem to get to your blog because I don't have access. I'd love to see what you are up to. If you are comfortable giving me access, please email me at trixiebelden2006 at yahoo dot com. Thanks!

Happy 1 Year Weight Watchers Anniversary to Me

Yep, this week marks my one year anniversary of doing Weight Watchers. I've achieved more than I thought possible. My original goal was 52 lbs. in 52 weeks. I thought that was far-fetched, but look where I am today. It is doable. It is achievable. It just takes one day at a time. It wasn't always easy, it took me 5 weeks to lose 1 lb. this summer. But, it looks like I am back on track this week (I'm down 3.6 lbs.). I know that some time soon I'm going to lose some of my motivation and feel like exercising isn't working, but today everything looks sunny and possible.

So, I decided it was high time I included some "before" and "now" (it's not "after" just yet) photos to my blog. The picture with me in a suit with a red top is from late August 2005. I was about 200 lbs. in that picture and gained another 25 lbs. after this picture was taken before I started trying to lose weight in August 2006. The second picture, with me in shorts, is from early July 2007 at my Weight Watchers location. I asked the receptionist to take a picture of me at the beginning of Kim's Challenge so I could document the change. I'm about 162 lbs. in the picture. It's kinda hard to get the full effect with the picture of me in the suit since it isn't full length. (The reason why the suit isn't button is because it was too tight to button. I was squeezing myself into it.) I don't notice the difference on a day-to-day basis so looking at pictures is interesting, but the difference isn't as dramatic as I expected it to be. I wanted more tangible proof that I have lost all this weight. I guess I'm going to have to find it within myself.

I Pass the "Nice Matters Award" onto ...

Thanks to Amazon Alanna for the shout out. I've had a hard time singling 3 blogs out for the "Nice Matters" award. I have gotten such nice comments from so many people it is a shame to pick only 3. But, I have decided to pass the "Nice Matters" award along to:

* Kim at Kim Under Construction for the motivation and inspiration to start her own challenge
* Jodi at Just Another Weigh for stepping up and being a team captain for Kim's challenge
* KL at From YAWN to Come Hither for just being herself

So guys, now you have to pass around the love to people in blogland you think are good eggs.

And the winner is ...

Okay, so it's 12:09am and the entry into the great Adidas work-out pants give-away officially closed at 12:00am. I went to random.org and got it to put the entrants into random order. The winner of the pants is .... *kl* from YAWN to Come Hither. Congratulations kl! Thanks to all the participants. My pants were very happy to see that there were many healthy potential homes for them. (kl, email me at trixiebelden2006 at yahoo dot com and let me know where to mail your prize!)

I also ended up a winner this week! I now have a toe-hold in the 150's! I'm very excited and hope to keep up this losing trend. Even if they aren't big losses, I'll take a 1.4 lb. loss any day!

Oh, and the pants karma is definitely on my side today. A friend who gained weight last year had pants that no longer fit (they are too big because she has since lost the weight - go her!). So, I have 5 pairs of pants and 2 cute skirts that are just a hair to tight on me right now. In a couple of weeks they are going to look and feel great. I'm a little confused though ... they are all a size 8. I some how skipped size 10 this summer. I don't know what to do about being a size 8. I haven't been that size since high school. I didn't expect this to happen so soon. I still have 18.4 lbs. to go. I will totally freak out if I get down to a size 6. How I feel about sizes, and what size I'm *supposed* to be, is a whole post in itself. So, I'll save that for another time.

And lastly, Amazon Alanna included me in a list of blogs for a very sweet award. Thank you! I now need to pass on the love, but I need time to think about who to pass it along to. I'll post on that later too.

Oh, and one last thing. Thanks to everyone who commented on my loose skin post. It was very interesting to hear how you all feel. I will probably continue the conversation in a post sometime in the future.

Okay, I'm done for now. Good night!

Big Medicine/ Small(er) Bras

Has anyone ever watched the show Big Medicine on TLC? I watched it for the first time tonight. Even though I haven't gone the weight loss surgery route, I really felt a connection with the 3 people they profiled. The show had some pretty graphic footage of what 2 of the people looked like naked. They had already had bariatric or gastric bypass surgery and now they were having surgery to get rid of loose skin. The amount of loose skin this one woman had was honestly shocking. (The doctor said he removed a total of 15 pounds of skin. Which, according to him, is a lot.) The other woman had less loose skin, but it was still substantial enough for surgery (both tummy and breast lifts). I felt compelled to look at myself in the bathroom mirror and study my bulges after the show. I don't know if it was a healthy way to spend my time or not. I don't think I'm at the stage of my weight loss to know if I even want/need to have loose skin removed. And, by saying that, I think it means that I don't have that much extra skin, or I would be more self-conscious. But, it made me wonder how much smaller my stomach and hips would be without the bulge I do have. I have been a little over-worried about loose skin since the beginning of this journey. I guess I'll think more about it once I get to my goal weight. (Although I don't know how I'd afford the surgery, so that's a big consideration.)

I would, however, definitely like to have a breast lift. But I've wanted a breast lift since I was a sophomore in college! (14 drooping years ago) I just bought new bras that are like a breath of fresh air. I was long overdue for new bras, but I kept avoiding buying them because I told myself I didn't really *need* them and I didn't have the money. (If I don't have the money for new bras, how am I going to afford a breast lift :) Well, when I put on new bras I realized how wrong I was. I figured I would be a different size since I haven't bought bras since well before I started to lose weight. I tried measuring them, but I kept getting crazy figures. So, I went to this website - myintimacy.com - (she was on Oprah's bra intervention show) and it gave me a size recommendation. When I tried that size on - and a few others to check - it was spot on correct. When I'm wearing them, its like my breasts are back where they belong! I went from a 38/40D to a 36DD. And my sister is sort of mesmerized by the fact that my breasts have gotten *so much smaller*. I think it's funny. (She never says it around anyone else.) I don't really notice a difference.

How do you guys feel about having loose skin removed? Do you worry about it at all?


P.S. Don't forget to sign up for my free XL Adidas work-out pant raffle posted on Saturday 8/11!

XL Adidas Pant Give-away

Hey guys, in cleaning out my closets I found a perfectly good pair of Adidas work-out pants that I didn't want to just give to a thrift store, so I am offering them up to one of you for FREE. (They've been worn less than 10 times. I like to work out in water more than on land :) Here's the details on the pants:

* Size: XL (16-18) [but I wore them when I was also wearing size 20 Gap jeans]
* Color: Navy blue with 3 green stripes down the side
* Waist: Elastic drawstring
* Fabric: 100% polyester
* Additional information from adidas.com Please note, these pants were purchased at a outlet mall and NOT from adidas.com. But, I found the same type of pants online and I don't have a working digital camera, so you can check out what they look like. (Please note, the pants are a different color than pictured.)

So, here's how the give-away is going to work. Just post a comment saying you are interested in the pants. The deadline is Thursday, August 16 at midnight EST. I'll take the list of people who are interested and put them into random.org which will sort them in random order. The 1st person listed in random order will get the pants. I'll post the winner on Friday, August 17th and contact them for their address (U.S. only please) and mail them the pants shortly thereafter. I'll cover postage. (To clarify, the contest is only open to addresses in the contiguous U.S. Sorry to Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico and my international friends!)

I hope at least someone is interested. They are super-comfy! Happy exercising!

Last Call

I had my weigh-in tonight. I'm down -0.6. I should be happy, but I was expecting to be down more and I hoped to crack the 150's. However, any loss is a good loss. Actually, after thinking about what I had ate and drank this past week, even though I had 13 flex points left, I really shouldn't have been down any more than I was. I had a lot of light beer. I didn't go back to my "no beer in the house" semi-rule that I usually keep once I got back from vacation. I figured I could have my cake and eat it too. I guess I was wrong. I'm not going to bring any beer into the apartment this week. If I'm out to dinner, then maybe I will have a drink, but I'm not going to have beer with dinner at home. I'm also going to try really hard to exercise more this week. I'm going to go the the pool in my apartment complex tomorrow when it opens and swim laps for 15 minutes. I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but it's a start!

I have a crazy goal for next week's weigh-in. I want to be down 2 lbs. so that I can reach 65 lbs. lost and be in the 150's. Wish me luck!

Closet Cleaning

Water aerobics was great today! She kept us moving a lot. Definitely put the aerobics in water aerobics today. I am exhausted.

I had a momentous day yesterday. I took two garbage bags full of clothes that were too big to the thrift store. It was pretty d*mn cool. It also freed me to take another look at the clothes left behind and to realize there are more clothes that are too big that I'm holding onto. I'm going to take the rest of it (3 more bags, which includes 4 pairs of shoes and odds and ends) to the thrift store tomorrow or Saturday. It feels great to not be looking at those reminders any more. It's like I get a clean slate. In the future, I can buy what I like instead of just buying what fits. It's pretty exciting actually.

Hey, has anyone noticed their shoe size going down about a 1/2 size when they lose weight? I was always a 7 or 7-1/2 until I started gaining weight and then I moved up to an 8. Now I'm back down to a 7-1/2 ... weird, huh.

Under the Big Blue Sky

Today I was back at water aerobics. It was great. I missed last Wednesday because there was a swim meet in the pool and I thought class was cancelled. Instead, they held it in the outdoor pool. Bummer! I so would have loved to have had class outside. There's a four week break between the end of this session (next Monday) and the beginning of next session (mid-September). A couple of us are thinking of meeting on our own. My only problem is that my ID card might not work now that I'm not a student and I won't be signed up for a class. Oh well, we'll see what happens.

In other water-related news, my mom is going to mail me an extra raft she has for the pool at my apartment complex. I wasn't sure if they were legal, but there were two people with rafts last Saturday, so I guess I got my answer. It is a little ridiculous for my mom to pay to mail it to me, but it saves me the $15 if I'd buy it at Target. I can't wait to float under the big blue sky!

I've started to get more motivated about keeping busy with my days and evenings. Last week I was pretty good because I had all these interviews to conduct for this research project I'm working on with a visiting professor. I have a few more to do AND I need to start transcribing them. That's where all the fun begins, not. I have a "laundry" list of things to keep myself busy. I'm actually a little surprised at how long it is. I can't imagine how I'd get all this stuff done if I was working, and trust me, I worked for 9 years before I went back to school. So I know something about putting in long hours at the office. Actually, I find myself day dreaming about having long days at the office. I guess that happens when you don't have any job prospects on the horizon. Bizarrely enough I'm still not panicked. I have contacted some people at the company I did my internship last summer to see if they have any freelance opportunities. At least it would be in the field I'd like to go into and I'd be making some money. If I get something freelance I still intend to actively look for a permanent job somewhere else in the country. I'm nervous for my mom. She's waiting to hear back from a school she's really interested in working at. I'm afraid its going to be bad news. Keep your fingers crossed that its good news coming down the road.

Getting Back on Track

Okay, so I'm back from Sin City and I weighed-in today at my WW meeting. I only gained 1 lb. since I my last weigh-in before I left, but that was on 7/12/07. So .... I've been fluctuating for about 3 or 4 weeks, depending on how you look at it. I'm still on track for losing an average of 1.2 lbs. per week, which has been my goal all year. But, I had been about 4 weeks ahead of schedule. Now, I'm only 1 week ahead of schedule. I know I shouldn't be upset. I think its just a wake up call to realize that I've gotten off track. I'm glad I only gained 1 lb. total while I was on vacation. I did exercise (hiking and water aerobics) but not enough to mitigate all the Corona Light and woodfired pizza I had (yum!) But, I feel like I've wasted time. My weight loss has been something that has been positive in my life and has made me feel successful. That's important to me and my self-esteem since my job search has not been going well. I saw a friend from school that I don't think I've seen since graduation (late May) and she said I looked thin. I think "thin" was an overstatement, but it was still nice to hear after I heard the news about my gain. I think I need to find something else to make me feel good about myself. While I want to get back on track, I think I need to spend time on something besides me. It's always "my" job search and "my" weight loss. I have been toying with the idea of volunteering. I have the time. I just haven't wanted to make a commitment that I couldn't keep when I do get a job. I think I have to start living my life and not "what if-ing" myself to death. I think I'm going to go onto volunteermatch.com and see what non-profits need help in the area. I'll keep you posted on what I find.

p.s. I mentioned in one of my last posts that my mom might guest post. Well, she's too shy, so she is going to remain a lurker. If you're out there, "Hi Mom!" :)

Blame it on the Rain

Hey there. Just checking in from Vegas. I'm on week two with the 'rents. It's been nice and relaxing here - no real stress and the weather was good until a few days ago when "monsoon" season started and it began to get overcast and rain at least part of every day. They actually have flood advisories in effect. Here's a live shot of the weather on the Las Vegas Strip. Not the kind of weather one looks for when you are trying to work on your tan.

I have been doing so-so with eating. My main food choices have been good, or at least in moderation, and I've been drinking only a little bit and when I do its wine or light beer (I now highly recommend Corona Light).

I have also been doing my own version of water aerobics every day in the pool. I start out with "weights" which are really 2 sets of 20 oz. empty water bottles duct taped together. I do about 4 different arm exercises, 3 sets each with 15 reps a set. Then I do abs with a noodle (but not the exercise that gave me the rug burns). For abs I do 3 different exercises. This time I do 3 sets of 30 reps each. Then I do legs which is where the "aerobics" comes in. I walk back and forth across the long part of the pool (which is about 4-1/2 feet deep) doing high knees for 5 sets and then I do butt kicks for 5 sets. I figure it takes me about 30 minutes. It's only 2 WW activity points, but hey, I enjoy myself. I do it while listening to music. (I've found it's a little hard to count and hold a conversation with someone else.) My routine was cut short today when it started to thunder and lightning. C'est la vie. There's always tomorrow.

Lest you think all I do is bake in the sun and play the slots, I have been doing some part-time work for the university (editing a seriously boring paper and conducting moderately less boring interviews) and I've been trying to keep myself psyched for my job search. I've done some networking via email and I've applied for a couple jobs. As with everything, we'll see how it goes.

I must recommend an author I just discovered, who admittedly has been around for a while since her books have been made into Lifetime Movies. Jodi Picoult. She is amazing. I finished The Pact and haven't been able to get it out of my head. Now I am reading her new book Nineteen Minutes which seems like it is going to be just as moving.

Okay, it's time for me to start checking out all your blogs! Hope all is well with you guys.

Greetings from Sin City!

I'm here in Las Vegas, sitting in my damp swimsuit, typing this blog post and loving every minute of it. I did water aerobics yesterday, but didn't find plastic bottles with enough resistance and developed a nasty "rug-burn" from an exercise with a noodle. Who knew exercise could be so difficult, and dangerous!

I have bad news. I'm up 3.8 lbs. this week. I'm not worried because I'm thinking it is due to this weird thing where I am always up when I visit my parents and then I'm down when I go home. I haven't eaten or drank too badly. I definitely haven't been perfect, I was up a few points beyond my 35 flex points for the week, but I don't think it was bad enough to do this much damage. Even so, the true test will be next week when I weigh-in for the second time using my parents' scale. Guess there should be more water aerobics in my future! My apologies to Kim and my challenge teammates that I have let you down this week!

I have invited my mom to do a guest post sometime on my blog while I am visiting Las Vegas. So, keep your eyes pealed for a different "voice" on my blog sometime soon.

I'll check in again soon! Take care.

Here Comes the Sun

Hey there. Thanks for your comments on my last post. It was really helpful to hear how you all feel. Even if you didn't feel the same as me, I felt less alone after reading your comments. :)

While feeling so conflicted and then spending a weekend with my sister where she continually asked me questions about what I eat and how I feel about my weight loss, I needed to take a break from thinking about things. I still counted points and water aerobics started on Wednesday, but otherwise I tried not to concentrate on weight loss. I don't think I even visited any blogs for a week. That is not like me. I tend to be a every-other-day lurker on a lot of blogs. I don't know if I feel less conflicted, or just less stressed about having to think about what I eat all the time. I guess I really am in this for the long haul and if that means counting points for the next 50 years, I guess that's what I'm prepared to do. (WW is going to make a sh*tload of money off of me :)

So, onto the good things ... water aerobics was fun, but crowded as the first class of the session always is. I felt like I had had a good workout when I got out of the water which felt fantastic. I was talking to my sister about doing water aerobics in my parent's pool when I go out there for a visit. I said I wished they had the floatation "weights" that you do the toning exercises with. She suggested I get plastic bottles of orange juice or bleach or something, empty them and clean them out, and use those in the pool for resistance. Genius! Now I'm going to search the internet to find exercise routines to do in the water. My mom is also talking about hiking while I am out there. She now hikes three times a week since she isn't working this summer. I don't know if I can manage hiking that often, but I am looking forward to going to the gym with her. (Note to self: I need to stock up on reading material for the recumbent bike.)

Oh, to back up for a minute. I don't think I mentioned that I'm going to Vegas for two weeks to visit my parents. I found a cheap flight on Southwest and I can really conduct my job search from out there. So far I have only been having phone interviews. Just in case I'm going to bring my suit and shoes in case I need to fly somewhere for an interview. It will be very nice to be surrounded by people for a change. I can go an entire day without talking to anyone besides the lifeguard who doesn't speak English. That was great when I was working or going to school full-time, but now it is very isolating. I feel guilty for spending some of the money I've made from my part-time gig with the university on a flight to Vegas, but a wise friend of mine said that any money and time spent visiting family you love is never a bad decision.

On that note I am off to start sewing a tote bag I am making for my mom. It is the first bag I have made in about 2 years. I'm excited! If I can get their camera to work I'll take a picture of the finished product. Ciao!

Conflicted

There was a new woman at my WW meeting tonight. Melvin, my meeting leader, made a point of getting her to introduce herself to the group. As with most new people, she was a little embarrassed by the attention. He mentioned that she had asked at the weigh-in how much weight can people lose. He gestured to me as the example of how much weight you can lose and touted my 61.6 lbs. lost. It was weird. I mean I appreciate the support I get at my meetings immensely, but I don't know if I want to be the poster girl for the 5:30 pm meeting on Thursdays. She then asked how long it took me and he made a big point about the fact that it didn't matter how long it took me because it would sound either short or long to her and it might not be motivational. He is very into not having deadlines for your weight loss and letting it happens as it happens. Anyway, I'm starting to get embarrassed for the attention I'm getting at my meetings because of the amount of weight I've lost. I'd like to just be like everyone else at the meeting. And I'm starting to feel like I've had this weight loss a little too easy. Like it hasn't been painful enough, or I haven't gone through enough deprivation to deserve my loss. And I kinda feel guilty around my friends who are bigger than me, like I've left them behind or something. That was always a concern of mine before I ever truly started lose weight and now I feel guilty. I mean I know I've had to make difficult choices to not eat certain things every day, and I know I've exercised even when I didn't want to (not as often as I should though). I know that reaching goal doesn't all the difficult choices any easier, that maintaining is hard too. I just worry that I'm not going to be able to keep it off, to maintain the loss. Do you ever feel like you'd just like a vacation from not having to think about what you are, or are not, going to eat every day? I don't mean license to eat anything, just the ability to not have to count points or fit in enough water, or anything. Just feel like I'm going to have to do this for the rest of my life and it is starting to wear on me. I know I've just totally contradicted myself. Has anyone else had these kinds of conflicted feelings?