Family Stress, Holiday Stress

Ugh, Christmas! I thought I did well on the eating front, but really, let's not kid a kidder: stuffing, gravy, chocolate mousse, my favorite beer , deep dish pizza ... the list goes on and on and on.

I tried to pick my battles and make healthy choices (steamed scallops at the Chinese restaurant, rare tuna an arugula without dressing), and make every unhealthy choice one I would enjoy, but inevitably, sometimes the "oh, just this once because it's the holidays" doesn't end up tasting all that great. But, you're hungry and haven't eaten in hours and grandma is driving you batty because she doesn't understand the concept of 3 hour lunches with your friends, so you just pick something that will comfort you. Ahh, yes, comfort food. I didn't realize until I'd ordered a burger and mashed potatoes for dinner tonight that all the family stress from the holidays had finally pushed me over into stress eating. I don't, really as a rule, eat out of stress or boredom. Some how, some blessed way, I have managed to navigate the weight loss terrain for over 2 years without eating to relieve my stress about graduate school, or not having a job, or not dating, or trying to date after a decade on the couch (literally and figuratively), or not having any money, or moving across the country, or moving back across the country, or starting a new job, or managing new employees, or dealing with new clients, or finding a new apartment (but in a building that's being renovated, hello - no cable again for the 3rd time in 3 months!) . . .

But now, after the 6 days I spent with my parents and grandmother, I am stress eating. My choices today were ridiculous. I had a bagel for breakfast, no lunch, sucked down pretzel and diet Coke like it was my job, and then opted for the burger and mashed potatoes (oh, I forgot the escargot soaked in garlic butter - I was at a French bistro). I did manage to only have two beers, but I did have cappuccino, and trust me, this joint doesn't even have skim milk on the premises (I also overheard another well-meaning young woman next to me ask for it and be rebuffed). It took like over 2 years for me to find my stress eating trigger - family drama. You'd have thought it would have come out before seeing as I lived with my parents for 4 months earlier this year, but hey, we had casinos in Vegas, so I guess that's how I dealt with my stress. Oh, yeah, and hiking and running and walking. Oops. Forgot about the exercise. Guess that's a good way to deal with things. (Insert hand slapping forehead here.)

So, on New Year's Eve morning, I would LOVE to resolve to go running ... for the first time in - let's count together - 1, 2, 3, okay, about 3 months. (The last time I remember running it was when I was at a conference in Texas at the end of September.) But, I just checked weather.com and discovered that it will be raining/snowing tomorrow. Ugh! But! I also got the Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD from Netflix yesterday (thanks for the suggestions!) so, I can test drive that tomorrow morning. (Saturday and Sunday look like they might be dry possibilities for running outside. Still not sure about spending $80+ a month for a gym membership.)

So, my friends, I am off to have a nice cup of coffee before bed. I know, it sounds counter-intuitive, but I find a nice cup of hazelnut coffee quite relaxing. I should have planned ahead and gotten decaf for times like these, but hey, I like to live dangerously.



P.S.

I have to say, after this Christmas, I now understand why there is the "my family is crazy, especially during the holidays" genre. I knew those movies were around, but never fully appreciated them until this year. My recommendation if you want to partake in this genre, try Jodie Foster's (1995) Home for the Holidays. I haven't seen it in years, but I think I might just get it from Netflix.

Love Actually Insults (The Movie)

Weekly Weigh-in:

142.8 lbs. @ WW on Saturday, Dec. 20th

144.8 lbs. @ home on Saturday, Dec. 20th

So, that 2 lb. difference is a little weird, I'm not used to weighing myself at home AND at WW, but I'm still down from last week, so I'll take 142 or 144 :)

I just watched what I would like to call a sweet movie about different kinds of love - Love Actually. I haven't seen it since I saw it in the movie theatre years ago. (I pretty much see anything Colin Firth is in - I'm a HUGE fan of the BBC's version of Pride & Prejudice from the 90's - swoon!) It was really quite lovely in some ways, but in others, it was a little disturbing. Then tended to demonize overweight women. The character Hugh Grant's character is in love with is called "plumpy" by her parents (a childhood nickname) and said she broke up with her boyfriend because he said she was getting fat! Meanwhile the actress looked healthy. This disturbed me because what if some people really thought she was overweight? No one really clarified the fact that her boyfriend was batty for talking about her weight. Then there was another character who had an overweight sister. This time Colin Firth's character shows up at the girl's doorstep and asks her father for her hand in marriage. Of course the "joke" is that this girl isn't home - but her overweight sister is standing in the background, and Colin's character couldn't POSSIBLY mean her. I also found out that they cut another scene out of the American version that's in the British version where a guy, who until this scene pretty much as an unrequited crush on Keira Knightly's character, fat. Ugh! It never stops! I don't understand why a perfectly lovely movie had to lower itself to such tired and inaccurate stereotypes. I'm in my own living room, alone, and yet I still winced at these scenes. And really, what are they thinking - it's a romcom - their market are WOMEN! - so why make so many of them uncomfortable? why insult so many of them? why do we put up with it?

On a happier note, I got most of my stuff done today. I'm buying the tea tomorrow because Starbucks was crazy, but I found it at my corner market, so I'm going back tomorrow. I also need rain boots because when it snows here GIGANTIC puddles form that make it impossible to get from the sideway to the street without wadding through puddles about 2-3 feet wide.

On an unhappier note, I just don't feel like doing work tomorrow. Partially because I should have delegated all of this to my team, but they say they are working at capacity, so it falls to me if I want it to get done. And, in the end, I want it to get done. I guess I should be happy I'm on vacation from Tuesday-Monday. It's the first real vacation I've take since I started at the end of April. Let's see if I can stay off the computer for work for 7 days straight! So, I'll work a little tomorrow and a lot Monday and then relax! :)

MizFit's Raising Money for a Domestic Violence Shelter

I found MizFit's blog through Lynn and MizFit is doing a wonderful thing ...

For every comment she receives on this post, she'll donate 10 cents to Safeplace, a local domestic violence shelter.

What a wonderful idea! I actually live next to a shelter for women and their children and I think this is such an important thing.

I've decided I'm going to do a partial match ... I'm going to match 15% of whatever MizFit raises on her blog. Sorry it's not more, but it's all I can manage at this point.

So, what are you waiting for ... go on over to MizFit and comment! :)

Pretzels & Points

Ugh, counting points! I am sitting here sucking down pretzels and being terrible because I haven't counted out my portions. I forgot how hard it is to start something you haven't done in 6 months. Counting points is hard, man. I started again after my WW meeting on Saturday and I'm having a difficult time of it. I don't want to pay for eTools, but the paper booklets are too old school for me, so I made a spreadsheet in Excel. But, it requires being at home and not having pretzels in my hand. I can't say I was shocked that I ate/drank 50+ points on Saturday, but man is it still hard to see. But, that's why I'm back to counting points. The funny thing is that I don't resent it. I thought I would, but I don't. I figure, it worked for me before, it should work again. But, it's not like I was successful at WW my first week the first time I started counting points, so while I have to admit I thought I would see a big loss this week, I'm realizing that's not going to be the case. (That and I weighed myself yesterday and realized I was exactly the same weight I was on Saturday. Not bad, but not what I was looking for.)

Thanks for your ideas on how to work out in the winter. I am going to try to swing joining a gym. I think it will also be good in a sort of "social" way. I know that no one really makes friends at the gym, but its nice to be out and among people and I really haven't made any new friends since I moved back to NYC. I joined my friend's book group, but I only see those women like once a month or every other month. This week is a little lonely until I leave next Tuesday for Christmas. I have literally 3 friends I see with varying frequency. My one friend I see once or twice a week is already gone for the holidays, my other friend has a 2 year old and is pregnant with twins, and my other friend is leaving on Saturday for Texas. So, I'm trying to figure out how to spend my weekend without going stir crazy. I know all of you out there with kids and hectic lives hate me right about now, but my life isn't totally boring. It is 7:45pm and I still have 2 hours more of work to do tonight. Here's my plan for the weekend:

Saturday:
* Long walk to library for pick-up/drop-off
* Pick up dry cleaning
* Renew cell phone plan/ set up texting, etc.
* Buy red cable knit sweater dress with hood at BabyGap for niece
* Buy/make tea basket for staff at work (we all sit in the same room, so I thought it would be nice to share)

Sunday:
* Join gym
* Sign-up at ASPCA to do volunteer training in January
* Do some work (I'll be out Tuesday and Wednesday next week and the following Monday)

Attention of a Member of the Male Species

Weigh-in:
145.4 lbs. @ WW on Sat. Dec. 13th
145.0 lbs. @ home on Sun. Dec. 14th

So, I'm taking down the running tool bar since I'm obviously not even ATTEMPTING to run 10 miles by Dec. 31st - sad, but true.

My new weight goal is to get back to 138 lbs. I've decided on this because I felt comfortable in my skin between around 135 lbs. from January - June this year, but when I saw pictures of me in May, I thought I looked creepy and too skeletal. (My mom says I'm crazy and that I just need to get used to a new face, but hey, it's my opinion that counts, right? And, to be honest, I miss my old face :( So, I've upped my new set point to 138 lbs. It's also obviously closer to my original goal of 141 lbs. But, I don't want it to become all about 3 lbs. here and 2 lbs. here. I just don't want to regain everything. My new fave WW meeting leader Hal said that they would be willing to reset my goal weight without me re-joining - because according to the new WW guidelines you have to be within 2 lbs. above, or below, your goal weight to be Lifetime. Sucks, but I guess it's a good problem to have?

So, I have been dipping my toe into the waters of dating and interacting with the men folk around town. It's very interesting. I had a set-up that went badly, but with my new found self-confidence I didn't blame myself, or even care if he thought I was attractive, intelligent, interesting ... (insert adjective I'm insecure about here). And while I have told every other woman the hilarious tale of how it went, when my friend asked how it went (it was actually a friend of hers husband who I met at a wedding 4 years ago who suggested the set up), I just politely emailed, "unfortunately, we weren't a good match." and left it at that. No need for him to ever potentially find out how insane I think he is, since that would be mean. Now there's a guy in my work life I'm interested in, but that could turn out very badly, so I am treading lightly in that direction. The good thing is that I have evidently shaken off the immature notions of being attracted to guys who are: inaccessible, players, cocky, etc. and I find myself only interested in guys who are, shock of all shocks, NICE to me. It is nice to actually trust myself again, a little bit anyway, that I am not interested in guys just because I find them attractive. They actually have to show some interest in me and treat me nicely for me to be interested in them. (Trust me, I am the classic doormat who never thinks she deserves for a guy to like her and ends up putting herself in situations and picking guys who don't really like her, just to prove to herself that I don't deserve the interest of any guy.) I don't have any more dates lined up, but that's okay. I need to take baby steps with this. Believe it or not, phone conversations, chats in the hallway and emails are still very hard for me. This is an arena I have no experience with. I am not exaggerating when I say that set-up was the first "date" I have had in 10 years. Can you believe that? A decade sitting on my freakin couch. What a waste.

Looking for Winter Work-Out Ideas

Hey all,

So ... I need your, and your friends, collective wisdom on ideas for working out in the winter in a city. Here's the current state of affairs:

* I'm having an incredibly tough time motivating getting up in the morning to run in the park

* I already walk about a mile on weekdays as part of my commute, and 2-3 miles each day on the weekends. (Not that I'm against more walking.)

* I have about 6 foot wide, 4 foot deep space between my couch and my TV in which to move in my apartment. Otherwise, I'd be jazzercizing in my kitchen.

* Don't have a ton of money right now, especially since I just started going back to WW and I'm above my goal weight, so even though I'm Lifetime, I have to pay that pesky per meeting fee.

So, with all those annoying parameters, any ideas on how I can get my a** moving this winter? One thing to know about me, I lurve walking around and living in the city, so for the most part, it isn't hard for me to get out of the house, even in bad weather. Although, I will ask you all if you have found that after you've lost weight, you are colder in the winter. I swear I have never remembered being this cold in my whole life. I am guessing it is because I lost my extra layer. But is that even logical? I don't know how the whole thing works.

All suggestions are welcome!

p.s. Yes, here is my favorite photo of my new niece. This was her Halloween costume :)

There is No Such Thing as "Heat & Hot Water Included"

146.4 lbs. @ WW on Saturday, 12/6
143.2 lbs. @ home on Tuesday, 12/9 (it's all about being sick)

I'm late for my weekly weigh-in, sorry. To be honest, Sunday I was hung-over (pretty atypical for me, but I think it was worth it) and Monday there was no heat in my apartment and I got sick. Ugh! One good thing about this whole weight loss thing is that I haven't been sick in like forever. Seriously, I remember wussing out one morning and not teaching last fall, but before that I think the last time I was actually sick and couldn't make it to class/work/etc. was the fall of 2006. I have been super lucky health-wise. Alas, my crappy apartment building is under construction and the heat and hot water are unreliable to say the least.

Okay, so I did make it to WW on Saturday and I'm really glad I did. There are some really wonderful women at that meeting and I feel really comfortable with them. One beats herself up so much for wanting to lose weight, and I just feel so bad for her. She says its because she has so little overall to lose that she feels guilty. Honestly, she's been near tears at the past two meetings I've been to, so how can you be upset with her? And the things she worries about are so universal that we all understand where she is coming from. (Of course there is also the obligatory crazy lady who talks a lot, but that is New York for you, and she's a story for another time.)

I have learned that I need to start tracking again. I don't know if I'm ready to start counting points again, but I definitely need to start writing things down. I always found that so comforting when I tracked and now, ugh!, but I know I should. I was going to join Road Runners - they start classes again in January. And then, on the way to work yesterday, walking the 10 blocks in daylight, I was like, really, running at night in New York in January and February? After winter last year in Las Vegas? I don't think I can do it. I know I'm a wuss (okay, twice I've used that word during this post!), but I just don't think I can do it.

Okay, I'm off to weigh myself in the bathroom. I'll post it at the top. Ugh!

Full Thanksgiving Disclosure

Just to be official since it's Sunday, my weekly weigh-in at home day ...

145.6 lbs. - Sunday, Nov. 30th at home

GBU Thanksgiving with the Parents

So, I packed my parents up and they were back on the road to Virginia about 3 hours ago. Without traffic they should be home in an hour and a half, which was the whole reason they left today and not tomorrow. So in honor of Mouse, I'm doing my version of the good and the bad and the ugly for Thanksgiving:

The Good: I had a lovely time with them. My Mom and I went to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and were so close we high fiving all the people dressed as clowns (or toast and pats of butter!) that were walking in the parade. We were about 4 people back from the baracade and by the time Santa's float came with the people dressed as elves and Christmas trees we were up front (see video below). It was awesome and worth standing in the cold from 6:30am until the parade started at 9:00am with all the other nice and crazy people.

The Bad:Unfortunately, my Dad only wanted to leave my apartment for smoke breaks and to walk to dinner. And he is having such a hard time walking. It is not good. He's been in Virginia since September and still hasn't seen a doctor about his emphasema and he's on a nebulizer, but still continues to smoke. My family, unfortuately is not good at tough love, so no one is stopping him. It is so sad when he makes the excuse to take a cab home from dinner (9 blocks away) because he ate too much instead of admitting he can't breathe when he walks. Ugh! How do you give parents tough love about their health?

The Ugly: I didn't have heat or hot water in my apartment from Wednesday night until Friday night. My Mom and I had to go to a friend's apartment to shower and my super in my building made me feel guilty and like it was my fault I didn't have hot water. So sad. Have I mentioned I hate conflict. :(

On the Wagon?

144.6 lbs. - Saturday, Nov. 22 @ WW
145.2 lbs. - Sunday, Nov. 23 @ home

So, I went to a WW meeting yesterday for the first time in months. I knew I was above my goal weight, because I was prepared after buying my scale last week, which was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Although I think I have gone to this location one too many times saying, "Hi, I'm a Lifetime member, but I haven't been here in a few months and I know I'm above my goal weight."

So, I really liked the WW leader at yesterday's meeting. He has obviously been doing this for a while. He was engaging and funny and supportive. I don't know what it is about male WW leaders, but I think I found my new Melvin. This guy's name is Hal. He asked what we were thankful for and I said that I knew it was corny, but that I was thankful WW is national because I've been moving around a lot, but I've always been able to come back to WW and a supportive environment. (I skipped over the crazy ladies in Las Vegas who said that everyone at our meeting had a food addiction.) He also made me realize that I've kept off over 95% of the weight I lost for a year. I had been hung up on the fact that I've gained since getting down to 135 lbs., but I hadn't been paying attention that I've actually kept off the weight for a whole frackin year! Now I really feel like I have something to celebrate! I'm thinking again of getting something to commemorate this milestone. Any ideas?

If you look at the weight from last week to this week, I lost about 1/2 a pound. That works for me. I made really healthy choices until last night. Actually, the food wasn't the problem, it was the beer. Beer is my downfall. I love good beer. I had Harpoon Winter Ale last night. Unfortunately I'm still not used to not being able to drink as much as my friend who is heavier than I am. My body just doesn't metabolise alcohol like it used to. I think I am going to have to practice portion control like I do with food. It makes sense. Has anyone else had a similar problem after losing a significant amount of weight?

Tales from the Scale

145.8 lbs. - Sunday, Nov. 16

Yep, that's the current #. Not an official WW number. I actually broke down and bought a scale! I have NEVER owned a scale. My mom has always had one in her bathroom, so I went through phases growing up when I would weigh myself, but never as part of a weight loss project. And surprisingly, in my tiny bathroom, it does not bother me that it is front and center. It just sort of blends in. I've only felt compelled to weigh myself twice since that first time - I don't think I'll ever become an "every morning" weigher, but stranger things have happened.

So, I haven't decided when I am going to weigh myself every week. I am still thinking about going to WW meetings each week. I should check the schedule for today, since it is Saturday, but I woke up super late (10:46 AM!) so I am all out of whack with plans for today. (The heat isn't on in my apartment, so I think that contributed to my extended slumber.) I do like the 8pm meetings on Wednesday nights, but I forgot last week (gotta add it to my work calendar) and this week my parents will be here. I still miss the camaradie of being around people with the same goal - hopefully I will find that again.

Okay, so how do I feel about the new number? Not that bad. The last time I was weighed at WW I was 144, so 145.8 isn't as bad as what I was expecting - if you recall, I was worried I had made it back into the 150's (not that there's generally anything wrong with being in the 150's). So, now I am curious to see what I weigh tomorrow evening - starting a Sunday evening ritual I believe. The 145.8 is fully clothed with jeans. I know some people at my old WW location thought I was crazy to weigh myself in jeans, but that's how I started WW. It was August 2006 and at 224-ish pounds I was not comfortable wearing shorts (thighs rubbing together, not so much fun, neither is sweating through thin fabric), so I wore jeans all summer, as I had been doing pretty much every summer since college. So, since my first official weigh-in was in jeans, I never shyed away from that in the future. Consistency is our friend!

I will report the new number tomorrow. I did eat pretty well this week - chicken or sushi for dinner, Progresso chicken noodle soup for lunch. I had 2 bagels because I was in a rush, but no beer since last Saturday night and last night I munched on my own edamame (originally frozen from the grocery store) and was super happy as I waited for my sushi to arrive. But, alas, I got in zero exercise. I need to figure out how to get myself up in the morning before work since it is too dark to go to the park after work and I refuse to spend money on a gym membership (I did that for too many years while I was super overweight and just wasted money.)

Off to make more coffee!

Realizations

So, I've come to a realization over the past week. Realizing that I need to start eating healthier. Realizing that I'm missing out on life because I am working too much. I'm not sure what I'm avoiding. But, I did this to myself when I lived in New York before. I only had food to look forward to. And we all know what happens when you do that. I think I've gained about 15 lbs. since I moved back. That's waaaay too much in just 6 months. At this rate, I'd gain back all the weight I've lost in a few years and that thought just makes me so sad. And I loved going to WW meetings. It was such a great weekly ritual. I stopped by my WW location to see what hours they have yesterday. I didn't have the guts to get weighed. I haven't gotten weighed in at least 2 months. I just don't think I could handle it if I'm in the 150's again. I know, I know. There's nothing wrong with being in the 150's, unless you worked so hard to lose that weight and you kept it off for at least 6 months. They seem to have late-ish hours on Wednesdays - there's a meeting at 8pm and it is a block away from the subway stop I get off at, so my plan is to get weighed, pay my money since I'm over my goal weight and stay for the meeting. Don't worry, I'll eat a late lunch and have a snack so that I'm not starving by the time I get home at 9pm!

Did you know that my 1 year anniversary for losing all the weight was technically yesterday. We'll, that was the date that last year I came in at/under my goal weight at my WW meeting. It's sad. I didn't celebrate. It felt wrong to celebrate a goal I haven't maintained. I do have a new goal. It is to be at my goal weight by the time my "lifetime" anniversary comes up in the beginning of January. I'm not sure if this is realistic since I don't know exactly how much I've gained, but my goal weight is actually about 6 lbs. higher than the weight I was maintaining when I first moved to New York, so I think it is doable. If I'm at like 150 or 151, I'd only have 10 or 11 lbs. to lose by early January. I think that's doable. I feel good about having a goal again. I think I need to get weighed every week. And I think I need to do it somewhere where I'm accountable. I don't think buying a scale would work. But, maybe it would. I don't know. What do you think? You know what, screw it. I am going to go out and buy a scale today. I've tried to live without one and maybe if I try to live with one I will be successful. I know it shouldn't be all about your weight. I have also started walking in the mornings and next week I'm planning to start running again. My focus has just been all off for the past few months. I've been working way too much. I need to figure out how to be committed to my job, but not only committed to my job. Any suggestions?

Baby, Baby!

Okay, so I don't know if I mentioned this before, but my sister's pregnant. Actually, now there's a new little bundle of joy in this world! Yep, I'm an aunt. I'm super excited. I haven't met her yet, but we've "chatted" on the phone. She's got some lungs I'll tell ya. But I can tell she's very intelligent and has a dry sense of humor :) Just our kind of girl! I don't know if I'll get to share photos or not, I think her parents are a little blog-shy. Bummer. So, that's much more exciting than telling you all about the long hours I worked this week, or the not so good food choices I've been making. I'll let you know if she has any special talents. They tell me she is a really bright, has an amazing vocabularly for someone who is only one day old, is a mean arm wrestler and a very cute dresser - think patterned tights, mini skirts and wellies. okay, just kidding. but, that's what all the cool kids are wearing in New York, so you know she is going to Fashion Week when she's 13 if I have to steal the tickets! I'm an aunt! :)

Short, but Busy Week

Okay, so I had Columbus Day off for like the first time in forever. (Granted, I wasn't working full-time for 3 years, but who's keeping track :). Anyway, I just had the longest week ever. It was crazy. I was so exhausted that I didn't wake up on Saturday AFTERNOON until 1:30! (I know, you guys out there with kids are about to kill me right now. Sorry.) I was supposed to do work all weekend, but I really only worked today. It was cool, I was just analyzing data on a survey I put together on potential slogans for an ad campaign. But, I didn't get much else done. C'est la vie, there's only so much work you can do in a day. I was also supposed to mock-up so ads, but I couldn't access the softward on remotely. Let's just hope I can access it tomorrow morning at work before my meeting! Eeek!

As a result of all this work, there's been stress and some poor food choices. I did pretty good, but I did have a ginormous burrito last night for dinner. Mexican food is my weakness. I was going to work out this week and weekend, but that didn't happen. I'm just resting up for what should be another busy week. I'd like to go for a walk/run before work tomorrow, but I need to get into the office by like 8:30am, so I can't imagine I'll be awake enough to get out of the house early enough to get a walk in. Maybe Tuesday morning. I know, maybe isn't a good word. I should make a comittment. And, you can see I didn't reach my 2 mile running goal this week. Maybe I can at least reach my goal of getting groceries! But, I have to be happy about the fact that I officially have cable and internet again - after 6 weeks in the dark. It is fabulous!

So, I resolve to keep making good choices whenever possible, have healthy snacks available when I want to make a bad choice, and not beat myself up when I do make a bad choice. Let's see how it goes! :)

National Weight Control Registry

Okay, so I filled out the first set of forms for the National Weight Control Registry. You basically "apply" to join this research project through Brown University. I think you need to have kept 30 lbs. off for at least a year. It has been something I've always wanted to be a part of since I first saw a segment on it on some news magazine show on television years ago. I just think it is fascinating that a group is researching how people keep weight off. I just received a packet of surveys, which I believe I will get once a year for the next 5 years. They were pretty detailed. I'd say it took me about an hour to fill everything out. They also want a record of my weight losses, dates and why I lost the weight each time. That part is easy in a way. I just take the record of my losses from an Excel document I created when I stopped using WW online and tracking my weight. So, for about 2 years I have my weekly weight. It's funny because they only ask for about 15 dates. Too bad :), they'll get more information than they need :) They also give you space to write about your weight loss and how you feel about it, which I think is great. There's only so much correlations you can do with data without reading how people feel. I haven't written anything yet, I think I'm composing my thoughts first. I'm going to also mention my blog and encourage them to visit to learn more about me. I don't know if they will, but I think they should know how important blogging has been to me, and all of us, in our weight loss journeys. I hope I haven't given anything away, actually I don't think I signed a confidentiality document to say I wouldn't share what questions they asked. I don't have the surveys with me or I would give you some of the questions, but I'm not at home. (I still don't have internet at home - ugh! - so I'm at a friend's apartment who's away for the weekend.) But, in the future I'll share some of the questions.

Any way, take a look at their website and see if it is something you'd like to get involved with. I thought it was going to motivate me to stay at goal (I'm actually up a few pounds, as you all know :), but what it has actually done is make me proud of how far I've come and how long I've been here. My 1st anniversary at goal - and I will be back at goal for it! - is in a few months. I'm excited. I had started to get used to my new body, but lately I've just been going shopping to try clothes on because it is so strange to me. Bewildering actually. To believe this is my body. True, I've gained about 10 lbs. from my lowest weight to where I am now, but it is still so wholely different from where I was for so long. I'm sorry if I've said all this before. I know I have, but in some way it doesn't feel like it. It feels so new all of a sudden. I wonder why?

I'm Still Alive, and Blogging ...

I'm so sorry I've been gone for so long. There has been a confluence of events that have kept me away. I was in Vegas taking care of my Dad before he moved to Virginia to be with my Mom. His health is okay, but he's just super lonely. I was working remotely from Vegas and taking care of him, hence, no time to blog. Then I got home and the day after I got back my cable and internet went out. That was over 4 weeks ago and the d*mn cable company still hasn't fixed the situation. I went ape sh*t on a customer service rep yesterday because my patience at this point is gone. So, I don't like to blog from work, and today is the first time I have broken down to pay for 2 hours of internet access at Starbucks. (D*mn Starbucks for no free wifi!) As you can tell from my language, I'm at the end of my rope these days.

I'd like to say everything else is going well, but it isn't. Now that fall is here I'd like to wear more pants, but I don't really fit into any of them. I lost about 5 lbs. a month ago, but either it wasn't enough, or I gained it back, because my pants don't fit. I refuse to buy a bigger size because I feel like that's a slippery slope, so I'm trying to lose weight. So, I'm wearing my skirts with tights. Not a bad plan. At least its comfy.

Overall, I'm a little afraid my depression is coming back. I've been seeing my old therapist on and off, but I can't afford to go on a regular basis (she doesn't take insurance). There are a couple other signs, but I'm not comfortable going into them. I'm just lonely and realizing that my job can't be my entire life, but I'm not sure how to get a life other than my job. Basically the same reason why I left New York 3 years ago to see what else was out there.

I'm so sorry I haven't been commenting on your blogs. I do miss you guys. Actually, I have a "friend" from work who's niece is obese and I told her I would recommend some blogs that I have liked, so don't be surprised if you get a new reader :)

Take care. I hope to be back soon and checking all of you out.

Trixie

It Happens to the Best of Us

Yep, I'm up. 9.2 lbs. since mid-June to be precise. I knew I was up before I got weighed in today. My clothes had been feeling different. They still fit, but they felt different. And I ran a little bit yesterday morning and everything felt much jigglier than I remembered :) But, I'm not down about it. Yes, gaining almost 10 lbs. in 2 months is how I ended up obese in the first place, but now I can course correct. I knew I was making poor food choices, but I was in denial:

* I started having a piece of cake here or there when it was some one's birthday.
* I actually had McDonald's last week!
* I have been eating all together too many bagels lately. I started eating them again in Vegas, but usually only after hiking for 3 hours. Now I just eat them because it's morning!
* I've been eating a ton of pita too. And hummus. Both in proper portion are fine, but I haven't been measuring out portions, or even reading calorie and fat counts!
* And then there's the beer and the wine. I've been drinking too often. And sometimes its not even light beer.

And yes, I walk a lot, but I walked just as much when I lived here 75 lbs. ago. That just isn't going to cut it. I'm going running tomorrow morning. I may only be able to run for a minute, but I'm going to start again. I don't want to join a gym because for me its just a waste of money - I won't go often enough to make it worthwhile. But, maybe, just maybe, I can consistently go running. And, then of course, I need to start some resistance/weight training.

So, I'm not saying I'm going to be perfect. But I did measure out my hummus tonight and only had 1/2 a piece of pita. I'm just going to go back to taking it one day at a time. My new goal - lose 5 pounds in the next 4 weeks. That might be too ambitious, but if I was able to again that much in the same amount of time, maybe I can lose it too! :) But, I'm in this weight-loss game for the long haul. I'm just going to go back to what worked for me for so many months. Easier said than done, I know, but if I did it once, I can do it again!

Virginia is for Walking

I just spent a lovely weekend with my mom in VA. We went for 3 walks - one around a neighborhood near where my sister lives (and be amused by all the McMansions and carefully trimmed lawns), one around Lake Fairfax and one on the W&OD trail. The picture above is from a "friends of the trail" website. It was great to be outside and among so much green for a change. I love my morning walks in NYC, but it was really great to have longer, greener trails, and some company :)

I have made a commitment to get weighed at WW this weekend, or sooner. I'm trying to find a place to get weighed before I go. I hate to say it, and you all know I never say anything negative about WW, but sometimes the receptionists aren't the most supportive people when you are up - especially, I assume because this hasn't happened before, if you are up above your goal weight when you have already been at lifetime. If I am above my goal weight, does that mean I have to rejoin again, or can I just keep coming and getting weighed? I really don't know how much I've gained. I'll let you know! (Full disclosure!) I even found my old WW meeting leader on Facebook. I had had his email address and then found him on the site. And I told him I was going to a meeting, so now I have to!

Ohhh! Good news! I got my consent forms from the National Weight Control Registry last week! You are supposed to provide proof of your weight loss in addition to signing all the consent forms to be in the study (and, separately, agree to have reporters call you for interviews). You can either send in photos documenting your weight loss, a contact like a doctor or WW meeting leader, or documentation like our books that record our weekly weights at WW. I'm going to opt for the last option, since it is the most accurate, comprehensive and doesn't require any work by anyone else. (And, I'm not so sure I want to just let them have photos of me if I can't control who they send them to. I'm all for you guys seeing my before and after shots, but I don't want to get surprised if my photo is on the NBC Nightly News without my knowledge first :) So, being in the study means that you are surveyed about your eating and exercise and lifestyle habits once a year for 5 years. I'll let you know what the surveys are like once I get it! You guys should totally look into this and do it with me!

How much do I weigh?

I went for another walk this morning. I cannot tell you how lovely the weather has been here. But interestingly enough, I wasn't compelled to start running. I don't know when that will happen, but so far I'm enjoying the walking. I just wish the path was longer. It is only about 1/2 a mile and I do a loop. But, I feel like I could walk forever. Actually, there's access to a much longer path that I need to try out. I think that will be more satisfying, but obviously not something I can do before work. Probably more likely for the weekends.

I am currently obsessed with bread. Most specifically wheat bagels and wheat pita. I try not to eat it every day. I don't know what it is. I know it isn't great for me, but it fills me up and keeps me from eating something worse for me - oily, greasy, cheesy, fried, etc. Actually, I have very little interest in those kinds of foods, but I love my bread. Ugh!

I haven't been weighed in about 2 months. I'm nervous I'm above my goal weight. I'm going to weigh myself at my friend's apartment before I go back to WW. I think I need to start weighing myself on a regular basis and I don't think the once a month "lifetime member" thing is enough. I liked knowing how much I weigh. I went to the ob/gyn a week ago and she asked how much I weighed instead of weighing me and I felt like I was lying and its only been two months since I've been weighed. I think I need to know more often. I think that will make me feel more actively in control - although it has been a nice vacation not thinking about it. (As a side note, it was so weird being in a doctor's office again. I haven't been to on since I started losing weight. It was so nice to have the nurse not have to use the large blood pressure cuff. Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

Okay, I need to go find something to eat. I'm cooking chicken for lunch this week and its making me hungry!

Monday, Monday

Thanks for stopping by and leaving kind words (Mouse, Jodi & Vickie). You guys are too good to me! Speaking of stopping by, does anyone know how to get Yahoo to give you RSS Feeds? I keep trying to get automatic updates on your blogs, but Yahoo is all kinds of whacked. Advice is appreciated :)

I actually got up at 7:00am (okay, 7:11am) and went for a walk in that lovely park I gave you all a picture of. It was a lovely 70 degrees. There were enough people on the path - running, walking their dogs, greeting the day with an cigarette ;) - that I felt totally comfortable. I didn't really do it for the exercise as much for the peace and quiet. Tomorrow I am going to take the busier path near the Hudson. It looks a little like this picture I've included. Actually, if you want to know what the exceptionally clean version of my neighborhood looks like, watch the Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie "You've Got Mail". Yep, that's pretty much it. In fact, the ending scene of that movie was shot at the garden I posted a couple days ago.

Does anyone know the song "Monday, Monday" by The Mammas and the Pappas? Well, they have to be one of my favorite groups. Back before VH1 turned totally crazy (but it still has its moments), "Behind the Music" was a reputable show. That's how I learned about the group. I went out and bought their greatest hits - can you believe I bought a cassette? :) That shows you how much of a techno-phobe I have been. (I didn't get a cell phone until the summer of 2005!) Anyway, it is a great song, you should listen to it sometime. It makes me smile.

I'll be back again soon! Take care,

Trixie

I'm Speechless

Hey kids! I don't know if any of you are still out there, being that I haven't blogged in like 6 weeks and you've probably all given up on me. But, I wanted to at least let you know that I am alive and well and still figuring things out one day at a time.

The broken toe has healed, but for countless lame reasons I haven't started running again yet. Today's lame reason is that NYC is overshadowed with black clouds and thunderstorms. Normally, this could be a good reason. But, since I'm planning on going out in it to run errands, undeterred by the elements, not running is pretty lame.

I haven't been to a WW meeting since God was a boy - okay, in like 2 months. Granted, I'm Lifetime, but I still should go more often. It sucks because that means I'll have to pay to weigh-in. I'm a little scared to see what the scale says, but my clothes still fit, so I guess that's a good thing :)

I started the application process to join the National Weight Control Registry. It is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, but you have to keep off at least 30 lbs. for at least a year. I was going to wait until I had kept the 85-ish lbs. off for a year, but I was too excited to wait. I've kept off about 50 for a year, so I thought it was okay to apply. I filled out their initial questions, but I haven't heard anything since. I think becoming a part of a "maintenance group" will be really motivating. I'll keep you all posted.

The only good thing is that I've continued to walk a lot - at least a mile a day. And since this isn't really planned exercise, just my daily commute, I think that's pretty good. I have also found that I have a beautiful park near me along the Hudson River. Check out the view of the park and water here. I keep setting my alarm early to take a walk in the morning, but so far it hasn't happened. Maybe tomorrow :)

Okay, so now I'm going to go run errands in the rain. I promise to come back again soon. I have been lurking on all your blogs and silently rooting for you!

Take care,

Trixie

Squishy Like a Teddy Bear*

Hey there, it's been way too long since I've been back. I've been doing a lot of thinking and Mouse encouraged me to write it out. In some ways I have loved this summer so far. I'm not dripping with sweat by the time I get to work, my thighs rubbing together doesn't give me a rash and skirts are now my favorite clothes to wear (and I don't have to put baby powder all over myself or wear a girdle or spanx), I don't lose my breath when I have a long distance to walk (I walk at least a 1/2 - 1 mile a day during the week and usually about 3 miles a day on the weekends. Hey, it's New York.), it just feels really nice to be alive. That may sound strange to say, but don't we all go through times when we are just getting by? When life is either a struggle or a rut? Well, it is nice to be happy and healthy, and I'm not taking it for granted. One thing that sucks is that I broke one of my toes in May. As a result I haven't run since I left Vegas. It sucks. I see runners everywhere and I wish I could be them. (Which is awesome in itself :) That definitely wasn't the case when I lived here before. I really shouldn't walk on it as much as I do, but I just can't bear to be cooped up inside all the time. I'm nervous it isn't healing properly, of course I didn't go to a doctor when it happened. It's been taped to a "buddy toe", but it is still swollen. But, I digress. Things are good, but here's the not so good.

I feel very squishy. Kinda like a soft stuffed animal. I feel like sometimes someone went into my closet at night and changed all the size tags from 18 to 4 and I'm just a poser. I know, logically I know, that I have lost all the weight, but in some ways I feel more invisible than I did when I was at my highest weight. I know I shouldn't complain, because if I added strength training, which would not require using my injured toe, I could build up my muscle tone and be less squishy. I know, I of all people know, I am in control and I can change my body if I put my mind to it. And I wouldn't change where I am right here, right now, for anything. But, I have to say that the journey through weight loss was more fun than being here in maintenance land. I had a goal to achieve, I was successful, I was motivated. I've said before that I realized long before I committed to losing weight that the likelihood was that I wasn't going to improve my social life by losing weight - that I would still be still in my jammies after work on the couch watching TV - but that I would just be thinner. It's weird when you can predict the future so vividly. So, thanks for letting me complain about successfully accomplishing a long held goal of mine :)

* My first, and only, boyfriend in college was a little overweight (more so than me - to put it into context, I was a size 10 or 12). He was an out of shape ex-football player who stopped exercising when he went to college. He used to complain from time to time about his weight and I didn't know what to say, so I once told him that he was "squishy like a teddy bear" and it made him smile and became a term of endearment. I don't think I would EVER say something like that to a guy now, I don't think it is what anyone would want to hear, but it brings back fond memories that it isn't always a bad thing to be squishy.

Secrets to my Success

Thanks again for all your supportive comments. It really is so great to be able to share that information with all of you. Jodi asked how I managed to lose steadily without many gains. Well, WW was my foundation. I don't think I could have done it without the flex plan structure, the meetings (you all know of my love of my meeting leader Melvin), and the eTools online. But, for specifics, this is pretty much what I did ...

* I found new foods that were healthy (low in points) that I could base my eating around. I really didn't have much variety ... cherrios, green vegetables, seafood, pretzels :), diet pepsi, sushi. That's pretty much it. But I liked it and it made me feel safe. It made me feel in control and I really didn't feel like I was depriving myself of anything.

* I basically decided that I wanted to lose weight more than I wanted a hamburger or french fries. A switch flipped and that was pretty much it for me. Granted, I had to make that decision over and over and over again. But I tried to put myself in situations where I had healthy snacks, where food wasn't the focus, just basically made my life about living, not about food. That was a huge change for me. My comfort system really had become food. Its what I did to make myself feel better, or treat myself if things went bad, or celebrate if things went well. Truth is, I was also suffering from a pretty major bout of depression for years. I got help. Then I was ready to lose weight. And now, I'm not saying that things don't go wrong in my life, but I now have the tools to realize I have a great support system of friends and family and I am much more capable of handling problems without trying to solve them with food.

* I realized that my life really wasn't going to change all that much once I lost the weight. I used to think to myself that I just sit on my couch all the time and watch TV, what's going to be different once I lose weight? Would I just be thinner and on my couch? I realized that losing weight wasn't going to solve my social/dating problems. And you know what, pretty much all I do is sit on the couch now and watch TV, I'm just thinner. And you know what, that's okay. I'm not disappointed. It's actually kind of nice to see that people haven't started treating me differently just because I'm 88 pounds thinner. I'd hate to have proof that the world was really that superficial.

* I found exercise I liked and looked forward to doing. I didn't do anything that made me uncomfortable or embarrassed. I find it mind boggling that women who are carrying 100 extra pounds will torture themselves with certain kinds of exercise. Is that really making them feel good about themselves? If it is, great, everyone is different, and I definitely don't know what's best for everyone. But, I just think we need to be kinder to our bodies. And some times that means we should take it slower and build.

* I realized that I didn't gain all the weight in a few months, or even a few years, so I wasn't going to lose it fast. I realized I needed to commit to losing weight for the long haul. I made a goal for one year later, then I made an end goal for 6 months after that. I realized that I was going to still be me one year later, did I want to still be overweight, or did I want to lose the weight? I was okay that it was going to happen slowly. In fact, no one at school notice until I lost about 40 lbs.

* I realized that life was going to happen. I wasn't going to be Oprah at her birthday party not eating cake! I tried to plan for those situations, but I still gained 5 pounds the week of graduation. But, I lost it within two weeks. I wasn't going to miss out on feeling free and celebrating graduation with my friends. But I also didn't beat myself up when I gained. I just went back to what I knew worked. And I am lucky enough to say that it kept working.

* And last but not least, I realize that I am super lucky. I tried and it worked. It isn't that easy for everyone, and I realize that. I feel very fortunate and lucky to have had this easy of a path to weight loss. Yeah, I can say that it took 15 months, but it wasn't the most difficult 15 months of my life. It was a really positive experience honestly. I just can't say it enough, I was lucky. I didn't have a hard time of it. The things I tried worked and I was successful. I didn't have to struggle. I didn't get frustrated. I'll say it again, I am lucky!

So, my friends, those are my secrets to my success. Thanks for asking!

Full Disclosure

Thanks for all your support! I really appreciate that you understand where I am coming from and that you care enough to comment. I am posting the results here, like Vickie so wisely suggested, so that even if I lose them in Excel, they will live on in cyber space in infamy! :)

I have more to tell you all about ... I mentioned to my new boss in conversation that I recently lost 90 lbs ... I guess I'm more comfortable with this information than she was, judging from her reaction. Not that it was totally bad.

Here's full disclosure:

Date/ Weight
05/31/08 135.6 lbs
04/08/08 135.8 lbs
04/03/08 136.5 lbs
03/11/08 135.8 lbs
03/06/08 134.5 lbs
03/02/08 136 lbs
02/07/08 135.5 lbs
01/31/08 134.5 lbs
01/24/08 137.5 lbs
01/18/08 136.2 lbs
01/10/08 138 lbs
01/03/08 136.6 lbs
12/27/07 138.4 lbs
12/19/07 140 lbs
12/13/07 142 lbs
12/07/07 138.8 lbs
11/29/07 139.8 lbs
11/24/07 140.2 lbs
11/15/07 140 lbs
11/08/07 141.6 lbs
11/01/07 142.8 lbs
10/25/07 143.4 lbs
10/18/07 144.8 lbs
10/11/07 147 lbs
10/04/07 148 lbs
09/27/07 148.8 lbs
09/20/07 148.4 lbs
09/13/07 152.2 lbs
09/06/07 153.8 lbs
08/30/07 155.2 lbs
08/23/07 155.8 lbs
08/16/07 159.4 lbs
08/09/07 160.8 lbs
08/02/07 161.4 lbs
07/25/07 161 lbs
07/18/07 164 lbs
07/12/07 160.4 lbs
07/05/07 162.2 lbs
06/28/07 164 lbs
06/21/07 166 lbs
06/14/07 166.2 lbs
06/07/07 168.2 lbs
05/29/07 170.4 lbs
05/24/07 175.6 lbs
05/17/07 171 lbs
05/10/07 173.6 lbs
05/03/07 175 lbs
04/26/07 178 lbs
04/19/07 178.4 lbs
04/12/07 181.4 lbs
04/05/07 183.2 lbs
03/29/07 183 lbs
03/22/07 186.8 lbs
03/15/07 185.2 lbs
03/08/07 186.4 lbs
03/01/07 189.2 lbs
02/22/07 189.8 lbs
02/15/07 191.4 lbs
02/08/07 192.6 lbs
02/01/07 195.8 lbs
01/23/07 200.4 lbs
01/16/07 196.6 lbs
01/09/07 198.6 lbs
01/02/07 201.6 lbs
12/27/06 202 lbs
12/19/06 200.8 lbs
12/12/06 203.2 lbs
12/05/06 206.8 lbs
11/28/06 207.6 lbs
11/22/06 209.8 lbs
11/14/06 209.6 lbs
11/07/06 212.2 lbs
10/31/06 211.2 lbs
10/24/06 214 lbs
10/17/06 217.2 lbs
10/10/06 216 lbs
10/03/06 215.6 lbs
09/28/06 217.4 lbs
09/19/06 219.6 lbs
09/12/06 223.6 lbs
09/05/06 224.2 lbs
08/21/06 223.8 lbs

End of an Era

I'm sad. So sad, in fact, that I have tears in my eyes (which is not a common occurrence for me). Why am I so sad you ask? Well, I have ended a long-term relationship ... with WW eTools. I know. It's an online program. So, why am I so emotionally attached to it? Well, it has been my friend, much like my meeting leader in Maryland, and I have realized it is time for me to say goodbye. I have been thinking about it for a while now. I haven't been counting points. I haven't been tracking my activity. I haven't even been reading the weekly profiles of WW success stories. That's VERY unusual for me. I have loved those stories. I have loved learning and meeting those women (and men). But, I just haven't been visiting the WW website. I hate to say that it is because I haven't needed it. It's just been that it hasn't been a priority. Now that scares me to say because it makes me worry that weight loss hasn't been a priority. But, now that I think about it. Weight loss isn't my priority - maintenance is. And, I guess over the past 5 months I have realized that eTools isn't helping me. It's not that it is doing anything wrong, or bad. I just haven't been going to it for support. Now, if I had all the money in the world I would keep the subscription so that in the future I would have access to it. But, right now, $12.95 a month for something I'm not using, just isn't worth it for the possibility that I might need it in the future. I did copy now all the points values for the foods that I usually eat and the activity I usually (or used to) do. I also copied down my history of weights since I started in August 2006. I really want that record. That history. That trail. I wish it was somewhere more safe than in a random Excel spreadsheet, but it is more cost effective that way. So, where does cost effective and sadness meet? I just don't know. But, it is the end of an era. My era. But, I did return to the fold in one way... I found a WW meeting I really liked on Saturday. I'll post about it this week. I am definitely going to go back. I even shared during it, and they were nice. I felt comfortable there. Not like in Maryland, but change can be good. And, when you think about it, life is all about change.

WW Expert?

Seems as though I am now being considered a WW expert. My uncle's step-daughter, who I met during my cross country drive from Virginia to Nevada, is going to contact me about WW. We talked a little about it when I was in Mississippi. She's done it before. Maybe she wants to give it another try. I say good for her. But it's weird. I haven't been journaling in over a month. And I haven't had an official weigh-in at WW for May. I think I have to go or they'll charge me to go in June, and I don't want that to happen. I couldn't understand why people didn't like to journal. I found it so reassuring. Now, it just seems tedious. Is that strange? And I don't seem to be gaining and I've been here for a month now. (Wow, time flies!) I have been thinking about cancelling my subscription to eTools, but I really want to have that record of my weight loss. It would be sad not to have that to look back on. It's weird. I'm starting to feel like a different person. Like, it took me months to realise I am no longer someone who is trying to lose weight. That seems bizarre to me. I miss it. Does that sound strange? I do. I miss the ritual of going to WW every week. I miss the support of counting all my points. I miss having that goal. It is strange how life changes. I guess my life has been changing a lot for the past 6 months or so. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that I no longer feel like much of a WW expert. I haven't been to a meeting since January. I stopped staying for the meetings when I'd get weighed-in in Vegas because I just never clicked with the meeting leaders. I meant to go to a meeting the first Saturday I was in NYC, and I've had it as a standing meeting in my calendar all month, and I still haven't gone. I'm not sure why. I can't go tomorrow because I have plans. (My mom has a layover at JFK and I'm going to hang out with her.) I don't know if I'm going to be able to get to a meeting before June, oh wait, next Saturday is May 31st - awesome! We'll see if I stay for the meeting.

Sorry I'm so ramble-y. It's been a long week. I can't believe it's almost 10pm. Maybe I'll get to bed early tonight. I hope you are all well.

Hey there ...

Okay, so I've been gone for a while. But, I've been thinking about all of you and lurking on your blogs. Work has been tough. There are some management issues that I'm going through as "the new boss" which are tough. And ... I broke my toe on Friday. I tripped over the ottoman in my friend's apartment. So I can only wear running shoes, but I can't go running. Ugh! And I'm going to be alone all weekend because my friend is visiting her parents out of town. I'm also looking for an apartment and not finding anything in my price range. Ugh again! So, I haven't been thinking too much of healthy eating or exercise. I have been watching what I eat and I've started making meals instead of ordering to save the money that I'm making, but don't have a clear direct deposit for, another problem that's too Ugh! to go in to. So, things have not been going well, but at the same time my friend I'm staying with is GREAT! and makes me feel so welcome and comfortable and my boss and her boss are really supportive, even though it looks like there is going to be a long process before things get better with my direct reports. So, all things considered, things aren't that bad. AND! my mom got a good job offer that would bring her and my dad back east! I'm not sure if she's going to take it, but it looks promising. So that's the all and the nothing that is happening with me. I'll touch base again soon :)

Out of Sorts

I'm sorry I haven't been around for a while. The job seems super interesting and my team is really into their jobs and passionate. I am there are some problems, but overall, I think I made a good decision. I went to a conference last week for managers and above at the company. It was really valuable to get that kind of perspective during only my 2nd week in.

My eating has been okay, not great. But, okay. I have been swinging from eating too little until eating enough. I haven't been running, but I have started walking a lot and taking the stairs everywhere I can - in the apartment to the 5th floor, in the office building to the 3rd floor. Doing what I can, where I can. I wanted to go to my WW meetings for May, but I always seem to have an excuse not to go. I haven't really weighed myself since I got to NYC. I have weighed myself a couple of times, but there's no benchmark to judge it by since I didn't weigh myself when I first got here.

I feel really lucky in some ways - I work for a great company and I basically feel comfortable, yet challenged there and I am lucky enough to be living with a friend until I find my own place. But, I'm sorry to complain, but I feel out of sorts. It is hard to have stress, real stress, for the first time in 3 years. School wasn't really stressful for me. Of course there were times that I was on deadline, but it didn't feel as high stakes as an event for 1,500 with press and senior execs! (And that isn't even in my job description!) And, while I am happy to not come home to an empty apartment, I wish I was in MY apartment. I'm having problems getting brokers to show me places. So annoying. I just want to be settled. And, I want to have a more active social life. Just having one evening out a week isn't enough for me. So, I know, cry me a river, my life totally doesn't suck, but at least I'm being honest.

Thanks for listening. I'll be back soon, I promise.

Leaving Las Vegas

So, I'm now in NYC! I flew in a few days ago and I'm staying with a fabulous friend until I move into my own apartment, which should be in about a month. I looked at a place yesterday and it is a great deal, so fingers crossed that one works out!

Okay, confession time ... I haven't been journaling regularly for about a month now. And I've been very loose with my food choices. I also haven't really been weighing myself all that often. I used a scale at my friend's apartment that I've used before and I think I am 4 lbs. heavier. I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it worries me. So, I jumped onto eTools on the WW site to journal what I ate starting yesterday ... no lie 81.5 points! (That was hard to write.) I didn't even know that was humanly possible. You know what the biggest trouble makers were ... scrambled eggs that I had at a restaurant, fried calamari (obviously!), and wine. And I didn't even really like the eggs or the calamari. I don't know why I ate them. The wine, well that was totally my doing and I enjoyed it. I really need to go back to a simpler way of eating all the time and get over the feeling like I need to "eat like everybody else". I feel bad when I don't want something like fried calamari, but the person I'm with does (my dad loves it). So I agree to it and feel compelled to eat it so they won't feel awkward eating it alone. I didn't really realize I had been feeling this way. I really got into some bad habits while living with my parents. I hope living with my friend for a month won't lead to more bad habits. I knew that I was lucky I was losing the weight while living alone. I made all the choices of what came into the house. I didn't realize how hard it was to eat healthy around other people all the time. And going back to work is going to add more stress to how and when I eat. I guess that might be why I've been feeling anxious lately.

I'll be around more often as I embark on these new eating patterns and try to figure it all out.

Mini "Sprint" Triathlon

Thanks very much for all your well wishes about my new job. I am quite excited and it was great to share the good news with all of you! :) Sorry it has been a few days without me posting. I've been doing a lot of running around lately, but I have the next week pretty open, except for packing, so you'll probably get sick of me :)

So, a few Saturdays ago my mom and I did a "sprint" triathlon at the local YMCA. There were only like 20 people signed up for it, so it only took about an hour for all three events. First we did 250 yards of swimming. The weirdest thing happened to me during the third lap. I had problems breathing. Now this is weird because I have swum my whole life - my mom had my sister and I in swimming classes as 2 year olds. I never swam competitively, but I have swum laps for exercise a lot over the course of my life. And we had a pool in the backyard growing up. So it was a strange sensation to not be able to breathe. I switched from freestyle to breast stroke to make it easier to breathe. I knew my time was going to be terrible, but I sure as h*ll wasn't going to stop! I finished and was a little wobbly afterwards, but basically fine. (My mom's time was 1 minute faster than mine. But, she psyched herself out when she heard me say I had trouble breathing because she is a super strong swimmer and has been training for this (I haven't been) and could have finished with a much faster time.

The next event was the bike. We used stationary bikes. I haven't been on a bike since November, and I've never ridden for speed or time, just distance, so I didn't know how fast to go to make a good time. We biked for 2 miles. I finished in 8 minutes and 52 seconds. I could have done it faster, but I didn't want to tire myself out. Shows you how important training is! :)

The last event was running. We ran laps in a gym. It was fun because my mom and I got to run together. I realized that I could have gone faster, but I didn't want to psych my mom out, and it was fun to run with someone else. I did do a sprint of the last 1/4 of a lap to the end just for fun. It was a 1/2 mile total. It was supposed to be a mile, but they shortened it for some reason. I finished around 6 minutes, which is about right for me because I am not a sprinter and I run about an 11 or 12 minute mile.

So, the whole event was over in about an hour. We went to Einstein's Bagels afterwards for breakfast. (YUM!) The bizarre thing for me is that it was a fun way to spend a morning. I am not a very sports competitive person, so not doing well in the events didn't really phase me (my mom on the other hand had this whole goal to be able to do all 3 events in like 25 or 20 minutes. Go mom!) A year or two ago I would never have signed up for this mini-triathlon and would have considered it torture and humiliation. Now, I loved it! It is a great feeling. I hope to do more things like this in NYC, but I have to get ready for the level of competition there - ugh!

I do have a certificate, a medal and a t-shirt to commemorate my mini-triathlon. I just wish the words "Las Vegas" were more prominently displayed on the t-shirt. C'est la vie! It will still be fun to wear when I run again in Central Park!

New York, New York

Things have been a little crazy here as of late. I have great news, drum roll please ... I got the job!

I am super excited because it is with a great organization that I believe in and it is going to be a step up in responsibility, which I think I am ready for. It, hopefully, will have been worth the wait. I move back to NYC later this month and start my job a few days later. I already have a lead on an apartment that is super affordable and right near a park so I can go running!

There have been other things going on too - I went on a great hike a week ago and chatted with a woman who is going to Nepal later this year to do a 14 day hike. She is also a former professional photographer, so I'll post a link to her blog with a lot of her photos. I also did a mini-triathlon, also known as a "sprint" triathlon, with my mom. It was fun and not something I ever thought I would enjoy about a year ago! I've also had realizations about my new body while a) sitting in those tiny seats on an airplane, b) giving myself a pedicure, and c) hanging out at a hotel pool on the Las Vegas Strip. So, I have a lot to blog about this week! I'll be back tomorrow to give you a recap.

Eating to Please Someone Else

Have you ever done that? Eating to please someone else? I haven't done it in such a long time and tonight I did and it feels awful. I was out to dinner with my Dad. We were trying a new restaurant that had 2 for 1 appetizers during happy hour. I will freely admit I agreed to the fried calamari and crab quesadillas. I will own those food choices and they were both good (the quesadillas were better than the calamari, if you must know, but both were "worth it".) But I was still hungry after the appetizers. I looked on the menu for a side salad. No luck. My Dad wasn't hungry for anything else, but his idea of an "evening snack" is half a bag of Lay's potato chips, so I knew he wasn't going to go hungry tonight. So, I saw the "Lobster & Seafood Salad" on the menu and order it without dressing. When it came I knew there was a problem, but I didn't speak up. I expected a bed of lettuce and tomato with some pieces of cold lobster and other various foods from the sea on top. Instead I was faced with a "seafood salad" kinda like tuna salad or chicken salad, neither of which I like. But, I didn't know how to say "Take it back, this isn't what I thought it was." My Dad is a clean plate club eater and also doesn't like to "make a scene" at restaurants. Sending food back is definitely "making a scene" in his book. So, I ate the "seafood salad," well part of it at least. I probably had about 1/3 of it and most of the lettuce. It didn't even taste good. The whole time I was upset and "eating for show." I basically ate enough to make it look like I liked it. I even asked for a box to take the rest home! (He thinks I'm going to eat the rest for lunch tomorrow, but he isn't very observant, so I can probably throw it away without him noticing.) I'm not even sure how bad the food was for me, even though it did seem thoroughly unhealthy. I'm just upset that I ate something to please someone else. I can turn down candy, cake, and lots of other things, but tonight I just couldn't do it. I didn't want him to waste his money. If I had been paying, I probably would have sent it back. Ugh. I am mentally and physically a little ill this evening.

Have you ever eaten to please someone else?

Back to Basics

So I realized that I haven't recorded my weight since early March and I haven't been consistently counting points for just as long, if not longer. So, I recommitted to myself yesterday to start tracking my points and journaling on WW eTools every day. I used to try to fill in what I had eaten in the past on the days I could remember. This time, I decided to start fresh and just move forward. It is eye opening to say the least. I thought I was eating a little more than my points allowance, but in the past two days it has been like 10 points over each day. I know I have flex points, but still, I want to get back to a structure I can stick with. I didn't weigh-in today because I had a phone interview at the same time as the meeting (yeah! :) but I'm going next week and I think I'm going to stay for the meeting. It isn't the same as my old ones in Maryland, but I think I need the structure. All of this isn't motivated because of an uptick on the scale. (I do weigh myself periodically, I just don't record it.) It is more a desire to feel in control again. Does that make sense?

I Love Central Park

I'm back in the great state of Nevada. I am exhausted after my short trip to NYC. It was a great time and I have another interview scheduled with the same company tomorrow (by phone), so I'm quite happy. And ... I ran in Central Park!

It was great. I did it Friday afternoon. It was chilly and overcast, but still good weather and no rain. I ran mostly on the walking paths because that's how I get around in the park and I didn't want to get "lost" on the running/bike paths that go on for like 7 miles. I did run on those for a little bit, but you are on the street with the cars and that didn't sit well with me. I'd much rather dodge the tourists and their cameras on the walking paths. I started at Strawberry Fields and ran past the ice skating rink. Then I ran past the zoo. I wanted to get to the boat pond and the area I used to hang out in on weekend afternoons when I lived in the 70's on the East Side, but I had already run my 14 minutes and I was pooped. I decided to head back and walked past Sheep's Meadow and decided to run out of the park and do streets until I got back to my friend's apartment. It was definitely easier to dodge people on the side walk than in the park - go figure. It was so cool! I'm not usually that tired after 14 minutes of running/jogging, but I think I wasn't used to all the little hills and sprinting past groups of people. I wanted to do it all again on Saturday, but I knew darn well that the park would be a zoo on the weekends and that there was little likelihood I'd be up any reasonable time before my Saturday lunch plans. I was right. But, in my defense I didn't go to bed until 4:30am on Saturday. Ahhh, to be young again :)

Sorry to not post for a week. I can't believe I did that! That is not like me. I promise to be better. I also haven't been to anyone else's blog in like for-ev-er, so I'll be stopping by in the next couple of days. I hope you all are doing well :) Viva la Central Park! :)

Rained Out?

So, I checked weather.com for a report for NYC while I'm going to be there this week ... rain the whole time. And not just a slight chance ... at least a 50% chance every day I'm there. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a little rain, but I'm hoping my running plans don't get washed out because of the weather! That would be a major bummer. I am bringing my stuff any way. I figure it can't rain the whole time and I have time Thursday afternoon, Friday morning and Friday afternoon to go, so hopefully I'll at least get to go once. Send me positive rays of sunshine :)

I did go running today for the first time in a week. I didn't go far, but it was about 15 minutes without stopping, so that is respectable for me and the amount of time I have been going for in the past few weeks. It was so warm here today. I can't believe it is only March! I was in a tank top, a t-shirt and shorts and I was warm by the end of my run. Craziness I tell you!

Tomorrow is all about finishing up some work for that part-time gig I'm doing. I told him I would be gone Wednesday-Saturday without computer access. I will have my laptop, but there are no guarantees I'll get online while I'm there. I don't want to be worried about this short-term gig when I have bigger things going on ... namely a potential new career!

I'll keep you posted on what happens next!

Working Girl

I'm sorry I've been gone for a few days. Thanks to everyone who commented on my post about my digestive issues. I think I am going to forgo dairy from now on (excluding a splash of 2% in my morning coffee). I had another episode on Friday that was unfortunate. I don't know if I'm noticing issues with my body more because I've lost weight, or if it is because I care about my health more. Food for thought.

I have been super busy working on a short-term project for a company back in Maryland. I found out about them through my alma mater. I am hoping to be done by Tuesday because I am off on Wednesday to NYC!!!! There's a good reason ... I have an interview on Thursday. I am staying with an old, dear friend and catching up with some great friends while I'm in town. I don't want to jinx it, but I am really excited and hoping this works out and I get an offer. It would suck if I had gotten to the third round of the interview process for nothing! :( The second most exciting thing I am doing in NYC besides the interview ... I'm going running in Central Park on Friday morning! I am so excited. I never would have dreamed of doing that when I lived there before grad school. I still have to map my route, but I am so excited. Even if I have a bad interview, this will make me feel soooo much better.

Gotta run, time to dye Easter eggs!