Coming Clean

Okay, so in recent posts I said I would: (a) take a break from trying on clothes and buying clothes since I was getting obsessed with sizes, and (b) actually try to start running by following the C25k plan. Well, I did the one I wasn't supposed to do and I didn't do the other one. Let me explain:

I ended up buying a couple things from Ann Taylor about a week ago. I bought them in various sizes, whatever fit, and thought I was doing a good job. Then I realized that I had actually spent $60 on a skirt that I'd have to wear Spanx or a thong with. I don't do thongs and I have been married to Spanx, or girdles, for the past 18 years. So, the thought that I couldn't wear this skirt without changing my comfortable undergarments has become stressful. (Need I say that I bought the skirt in a smaller size, of course excited that I could fit into it?) I thought about holding onto the skirt until I finished losing weight, but I tried it on with my suit jacket and it didn't look good - wrong style. So, back it goes, which is a whole process in itself because I work there and it has to be returned to a manager. Ugh. I have since not bought anything from anywhere, including shoes. I need more pants, but I am resisting until I have my head on straight and I don't get lured by little numbers dancing in front of me.

Okay, so about the running/jogging. I was going to go last weekend, but my feet were killing me from wearing the wrong shoes for 5 hours a AT, and then having to go back to work the next day. So, instead I soaked them, put Neosporin and band aids on the blisters, and tried to stay off of them as much as possible. They feel much better. I am not giving up on starting to jog, but I do think I am going to start in the gym, since C25k suggests running for 60 seconds and then walking for 60 seconds, etc., when you first get started. I think that will be too complicated to time without a sports watch on the trail. I don't know when I am going to get up the motivation to give it a try, but you all will be the first to know when I do.

Strategies for Fighting Weight Gain during the Holidays

Okay, so I know this post is a little early, but I just read a great article on handling "holiday temptation" in the November/December issue of Blueprint magazine - a lifestyle magazine from Martha Stewart. (Please note, the cover shown isn't from the current issue. Unfortunately, they haven't posted the content on their website - big mistake from a branding perspective in my opinion.) Here are the hightlights from the article:

* Planes, Trains & Automobiles - bring a healthy snack and remember to hydrate

* Pub Night - avoid temptation by sitting away from the food and pick lighter drinks like light beer and wine, or suggest a more active past time like ice skating

* Thanksgiving Day - take two smaller helpings to satisfy food-pushy relatives, bring a healthy side dish, splurge selectively

* Office Orgies - keep to your normal eating routine and don't let your self get ravenous, hold out for holiday specialities (not just the same old red and green M&Ms)

* Trolling the Malls - bring a snack, just like traveling, opt for lighter options at the food court like steamed chicken and broccoli from the Chinese "restaurant"

* Party Central - keep your hands occupied with a drink and handbag and you'll be less likely to keep taking hors d'oeuvres, eat before you get there, hold on to the napkins you get with each drink so you can keep track of just how many glasses of champagne you've had

I'll admit the article didn't bring up any new ideas or solutions, but like them or not, they at least suggested strategies rather than just recommending to keep your chin up and use your "willpower" to avoid temptation. Ugh. (Although I loved the idea of keeping the napkins for all the drinks you have during the evening so you can keep track! Not that I plan on having that many ;)

Numbers

So, now that I'm like 4 lbs. from goal, I finally met with my meeting leader and told him/agreed to my goal. He was looking at the WW guidelines and was fine with 141 lbs. being my goal weight since 146 lbs. is the upper end of the range for my height (5'4"). I told him 141 lbs. was from another height/weight chart I had seen pre-WW. He thought it was a good number. He said that as far as WW was concerned, 141 lbs. it would be and I wouldn't need to worry about losing any more, but, if for myself, I wanted to go down to say 135 lbs. that would be okay. I really liked hearing this because the WW booklet shows 117 lbs. (!!*#@^*!!) as the low end of the range for 5'4". I thought that was mighty low for me. I don't think I'd be comfortable near that weight and I don't think it would be sustainable for me. (My apologies to anyone who is that weight/wants to be that weight. I'm just talking from my perspective. It's not meant as a judgement on anyone else.)

My meeting leader and I talked a little bit about how I'm feeling these days in my new body and I told him I think I like it, but I'm not sure if I want to lose more, or if I feel like I've already lost enough and don't need to get to my goal. Sometimes I feel this pressure to be a certain size, sometimes I feel like I should be an 8 and I "shouldn't want any more", sometimes I feel like I should be a 6 because its lower than I ever thought I'd be and sometimes, when people say 6s are cut big in a certain store, I think I should be a 4. I know this kind of thinking is all sorts of messed up and not healthy. And I know that I am quite lucky to have such a problem to worry about. I know I've been talking about buying clothes a lot lately, partly because I don't have any, partly because its fun to try different styles on now and partly because of my job at Ann Taylor. I think I'm going to stop looking and trying things on until I reach my goal weight, whether that be the official 141 or 135, or something entirely different. It will take the pressure off linking my new identity to a size on a clothing tag. I don't know why I have started to do that. Maybe all women do it. I wish we didn't care about the number.

A Walk in the Park

Thanks for all your advice on my last post. I guess it is going to take some time getting used to this new body. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time, one experience at a time. I'll share stuff with you guys as it happens. I took a lovely walk on Sunday. I found a trail near my apartment that goes through a wooded area and ends at a golf course. I covered about 2-2.5 miles. I'm thinking about trying to do a run/walk the next time I go, which will probably be this weekend because I want to go when its well populated. I'll use the Couch-to-5K training method. I haven't run since I played soccer in high school. I am probably about the same weight now as I was back then, but running did not come easily for me. I always said I didn't have the build for it. I struggled and was in the back of the pack. But running has always held a sort of mystique for me - a sense of freedom and power that I've never had. Probably sounds crazy. My mom took up running when she was a little older than the age I am now. She competed in 5Ks all the time and had a wall of trophies for winning in her age group. She ran until her knees started to bother her in her early 50s. When I was a freshman in college she ran a marathon. I don't think I'd ever want to run a marathon, but I'd love to be able to run 5Ks. I think that would be fun. I'll let you know if I take the first step this weekend.

101st Post & Feeling Shallow

So, this my 101st post. I didn't realize I was hitting this milestone. I've been blogging for about 15 months, so I guess technically I should have hit it sooner. I just don't post that frequently. But I find it pretty exciting. I mean, I've felt like a real blogger all along, but this is some how validating on a different level. I don't know. I'm not feeling particularly articulate today. Which I guess sucks for everyone reading this post :)

I've been seeing a number of people recently that I haven't seen in months. They have been commenting on my shape/weight. I've been getting the "there's going to be nothing left soon" and "you're so tiny." I feel like these people are exaggerating. It's very nice for people to pay you compliments, which is what I assume is meant by the comments because they are followed with something to the effect of "you look great." But, it is making me feel guilty for leaving my old self behind. I mean, I know I am happier at this weight for a whole host of reasons, but I am wondering why I couldn't be happier when I weighed 223.8 lbs. I wasn't lacking for friends or activities or goals. But, I didn't have a lot of self-confidence. Truthfully, I don't have a lot now either. But, did I just spend 13 months losing weight because I bought into some idea that society has given me that you are happier when you are thinner? I don't think my friends would have been any less happy to see me if I had gained the weight I'd lost back, or if I hadn't lost any additional weight since the last time they saw me. I mean, by losing weight did I just turn my back on all my bigger friends and some how say, people are more attractive when they are thinner than when they are heavier? I don't want to be saying that with my actions. I truly believe that there are beautiful people at all weights. But, our value shouldn't be measured in what we look like. I don't know, I'm just confused and feeling shallow.

Shopping & Body Image

So, even though it was Columbus Day, I had a busy day. I started a new part-time job at Ann Taylor. Five hours without a break. I also forgot to eat lunch. I was so busy. I'm going to have to start wearing a watch so I know when to go on break. My feet hurt. Gotta learn to wear flats and not heels. I didn't make anywhere near my sales goals. Gotta work on that too. I evidently have a lot to work on :)

It was so weird getting different sizes for women and the things that they would say. It was so disheartening, women sharing that they have gained weight, and they feel both the need to tell me and embarrassed about it. I was like, I know a lot about weight gain! And then there were the people who were uncomfortable with different parts of their bodies. It didn't occur to me what kind of insight sales people get into the minds of shoppers. It's almost like being a bartender.

Hey, now that I'm going to be on my feet more due to working retail (in addition to teaching class), do you think I should modify my WW points? I'm not doing either full-time, so it might be overcompensating.

Maintaining & Milestones

So, I've been hovering around 75 lbs. lost for about 3 weeks now (75.4, 75.0, 75.8). I must say, it's not a bad place to hang out. :) I don't really feel like I'm doing anything different though. At least I don't think I've fallen into a pattern of any kind. One week I ate very few flex points, another week I ate pretty much all of them. I haven't been doing much intense exercise, that's true. But, I feel pretty okay about hovering here. I think every time I get to a milestone I hang out there for a while and enjoy the view. I didn't think it was intentional. Maybe it's something sub-conscious. Has anyone else had a similar experience when they have hit a milestone?

Core and I Didn't Know It

So a few weeks ago my WW meeting leader was talking about trying to base your menu on Core foods. I have started realizing, while using WW etools, that for dinner every night I eat Core. (There's this little check mark that shows up on your "Plan Manager" that tells you if your food is Core or not.) I either have grilled shrimp or chicken and frozen vegetables or grilled green peppers and onions. Maybe I throw in a 1/4 of an avocado for a little kick. It was interesting to realize that I have doing this for about 6-9 months. While I have really needed to be on the Flex Plan to be happy with options, I have been following Core for at least one meal a day. I guess it also shows how much you learn about which foods to eat when you are trying to lose weight and get healthy. I mean, I always knew I should be eating more seafood and vegetables, but I just never put it into practice. I guess, if anything, this whole journey has been a learning experience.