You're All So Sweet!

Seriously, thanks for all your well wishes and compliments to my 75 lbs. lost post. It really means a lot to me that you care :)

So, sorry it's been a week since my last post - things have been a little crazy here. But that's no excuse! I do have a story to tell. Inspired by Kim's dress shopping, I did a little shopping myself last weekend. I needed a new suit because my existing suit (with the tags still on it) is now too big. So, I'm now in a size 6! Craziness! I haven't been a size 6 in like 20 years or more. Full disclosure though, I tried on a jacket in J Crew the same day and I needed a size 10 if I wanted to button it across my chest. (Didn't buy the jacket. You all know I don't have the money.) But, I am oh so fine with that my friends! I also bought a pair of pants at a different store in size 6, so it isn't a total fluke. (They were on sale.) So, riding high on my wave of pride, I went to the expensive and trendy part of Nordstrom's to try on crazy expensive jeans. You know what I mean, like $166 jeans. I had no intention of buying them, I just always wanted to be able to try them on. I was always so jealous when I saw women walking down the street in NYC wearing Citizens of Humanity or Seven for All Mankind. I couldn't believe I might have actually gotten to the point where I could slide those bad boys over my hips! So, I went to the rack and picked the biggest sizes I could find (31 and 32). I still don't know what those numbers mean, but they were the highest numbers, so I figured they were the only ones likely to fit! So, I went to the dressing room and a saleswoman stopped me. I thought she was going to tell me I didn't belong there (always a neurotic fear of mine). Instead she was very nice and found me a dressing room. The 32's WERE TOO BIG!!!! I couldn't believe it. I had a baggie butt. One pair of 31's fit just right, although the waist was a little too low, and the other pair of 31's WOULDN'T EVEN FIT UP MY CALVES!!!! I had to laugh because I have been in that situation so many times over the past 15 years! It felt so familiar to be standing in front of a mirror and thinking, "Why did I ever think these would fit?" Of course, what was nice about this time was that I could say that it was okay that one pair didn't fit, because another pair did. And bottom-line, I had the cojones to at least try the d*mn jeans on. I didn't chicken out and say I wasn't worth it, or that I didn't belong. I gave it a go and it was fun. However, no matter how much money I make, I don't think I will ever drop $166 on a pair of jeans. Too rich for my blood.

So, I guess the moral of my story is that I realized that whether or not some stupid pair of expensive jeans fit or not, I'm worth it and I always was!

Oh my gosh, I hit 75 lbs. lost!

I can't believe it. I wasn't expecting it at my weigh-in today. I'm officially down 75.4 lbs! I'm in shock. I want to celebrate, but I don't know what to do with myself! This is so exciting, I think I should dance around my living room.

Okay, done dancing... I must say the more weight I lose, the more worried I get in a way. I know it sounds odd, but I keep wondering when I'm going to start gaining weight again. I mean, can I really keep it off? Honestly, I get enough to eat and I don't feel like I'm depriving myself, but I pretty much eat every meal alone, so I'm never jealous of what is on someone else's plate. I've stopped keeping alcohol in the house. So, I don't have many temptations (excluding the odd craving for Skinny Cow or Klondikes). I'm not sure if my goal is low enough. It is the top number on the weight loss charts for someone my height. Some charts say its 140 and some say 141. Should I reset my goal for 135 so I have some wiggle room? Or should I say to hell with the height/weight charts, I'm happy when I get to 141?

I now weigh less than my mother. This is a big deal. I haven't weighed less than my mother since I was a kid. What if I'm a smaller size than she is? Have I betrayed her in some way by losing this weight? Should I stop losing weight so that I don't get any smaller than she is? (This isn't based on anything she has said, this is all the crazy stuff in my head.)

So, you can see I have mixed emotions about getting down towards my goal weight. I've been scared of it and now I can see it coming and I don't know how to handle it.

Confessions & New Blog

I ate a Klondike bar today and it was heavenly! Better than all 6 Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches put together! And I only had one. I went somewhere I could buy it individually packaged and I savored every bite. It was 6 points, but I figure I gotta live a little :)


I just started a new blog tonight. It's called ...
"In the Red" (http://www.inthered2007.blogspot.com/). The focus is my personal finance issues (debt and unemployment), but I really don't know what it's going to be like. In the beginning I think it is going to be mostly confessional - admitting things and sharing things I don't even want my mom to know. I'm not going to tell any friends or family the address and they don't know to look for Trixie Belden online either. Hopefully it won't sound too whiny or self-serving, but I'm not promising anything :) I'm hoping to find people who can relate to my situation because they have been there, just like on the weight loss blogs. I just need a place to get things off of my chest and a chance to refer back to them as I progress (hopefully in a positive direction) on this journey through life with sizable debt. All of you have been so supportive, I wanted to share this new venture as well.

It's Called Being Creative

Hey there. Hope you all are doing well. I am off the Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich ledge and feeling much better. I didn't eat the other 2 ice cream sandwiches that night, but I don't think I'll be buying another 6 pack of anything (ice cream, beer, etc.) any time soon. Those things always get me into trouble with control and over-eating issues. I wish I still lived in NYC where you can buy 1 ice cream treat or 1 bottle of beer at a corner bodega any time you want. Of course it is a higher per unit cost, but the per a** cheek cost is lower by far.

I haven't been working out much now that the pool is closed and I have to spend $7 every time I want to do water aerobics. I limited myself to only doing it 2 times this past week. It was lovely, but I just couldn't justify spending the money for the third session. You'll also be proud of me that I have stopped buying non-fat smoothies after working out and I have stopped buying mocha light frappucinos after my WW meetings each week. These "treats" weren't effecting my waist line in a bad way, but they were putting a dent in my pocket book. I need to motivate myself to start working out on land. I'm back to trying to get myself excited over my Cardio Sculpt DVD. It's good, but it ain't water aerobics.

On the job front things aren't looking up. I have a lead on a position at a big candy company located in the middle of nowhere (compared to NYC), but you know how most leads work out for me. I applied for a job at Barnes & Noble on Craigslist, but I think I have to go in and fill out an application too. Believe it or not, I'm actually looking forward to working at B&N - I love books. But, I have no worry I'll spend my money at the store b/c I am a firm believer in libraries. I have about 4 books out right now and I have about 9 CDs and 10 DVDs of popular TV shows on hold b/c I'm getting my cable shut off today. *sniff* But, I'm psyched about everything my little library system has to offer.

Okay, time to get pretty - I have a BBQ to go to. Kinda strange since I am usually a hermit.

Take care, Trixie

Help!

It's 8:13pm and I just ate 4 Skinny Cow ice cream sandwiches in a row. I think I only really tasted the first 2. They come 6 in a package and I am vowing right now that I WILL NOT eat the other 2 tonight. D*mn Skinny Cow! I can't handle portion control even with fake ice cream. That's why I had to make a special trip to the grocery store to buy them. I was okay with having 3 since they are *only* 140 calories a piece. But 4 pushed me over the edge to the place where I used to eat an entire medium sized pizza myself. I usually over-eat alone. And I haven't exercised since Wednesday.

I guess my stress is showing up in my eating. Any suggestions?

Half Empty or Half Full?

Sorry I've been MIA. Things have been a little crazy here and I just haven't been up to sharing about my weight loss or everything else that's going on.

First, the good news. I got a adjunct teaching position at a local university for the fall semester. I am a late to the start of the semester replacement for an introductory marketing class. I'm thrilled. I have always wanted to teach and here's my chance to see if I'm good at it/enjoy it. I had my first class yesterday and it couldn't have gone better if I had tried. The kids participated, took notes, were well-behaved (college juniors and seniors). Keep your fingers crossed that the rest of the semester goes 1/2 as well.

Next, the bad news. You may or may not know that adjunct faculty positions pay peanuts. What I will make this semester doesn't even cover 1 months expenses. I have been looking tirelessly for a full-time job, but now I'm looking for positions that will at least pay me a fraction of what I need so that I can supplement the money I need to ... borrow from family. I won't go into the details now, but as I'm sure you know, borrowing money from family can be messy, frustrating, embarrassing and just plain sucks. I thought I had trimmed all my expenses to the minimum, but now I'm thinking of even shutting my TV off entirely. (I'm a TV junky, and had been pursuing work in television, so that is a big step for me.) Now, it just seems like a frivolous expense. I'm trying desperately to stay in my current apartment since I don't know where I'll get a job and when I'll need to move. (Although I have every intention of seeing the semester through with my class.)

Okay, so I do have some good news. All of this stress has actually encouraged me to exercise MORE. Water aerobics has been great and I'm trying to come up with a way to continue to afford it and Weight Watchers, but I think water aerobics is going to have to go. I have also been eating really well. I just found out at my weigh-in yesterday that I have officially lost a total of 70 lbs. It feels good to have one thing in my life working, but I don't know if I'd rather have some of those 70 lbs. back if I could also have money to support myself. I have been self-sufficient since college graduation 12 years ago, so this whole money thing feels like a big failure of mine on so many levels.

So, thank you for letting me go on and on about my tale of woe. I appreciate you letting me share. I know I am not the only one with money problems out there, so I hope you will not find me too selfish - I am lucky enough to have family who are willing and able to help me.

I'll keep you posted on everything and promise to write more soon.