I'm in a New York State of Mind

Hey there, I weighed-in today at WW instead of Thursday because I am going to New York tomorrow (more on that later). I lost the 4.6 lbs. I gained last week. I didn't mean to lose all of it in like less than a week (I think the WW scales are a little f*'d up). I did eat this week. I even used 9 of my flex points in addition to my daily points allowance since last Thursday. The most important thing is that I only had one beer since last week. I think that really helped. I TOTALLY missed my exercise goal. I only managed to do 30 minutes. There's really no excuse. I totally had the time. I just had a major motivation issue - basically, I had none. I'm having a difficult time getting used to not being accountable to anyone or anything. It makes accomplishing things difficult. Any tips from people out there who have had to deal with something like that? I mean I have no husband, kids, roommate, pet, or plant. I have no job. I don't have any classes. I do have a hobby, but I haven't sewn in over two years (although I did hem a pair of pants and alter a skirt last night, but when you used to make handbags and quilts, that doesn't really count.) So, motivational tips would be much appreciated.

I know, it sounds like a vacation, but it is weird and disorienting to not have a purpose. I have thought about getting a part-time job, but I've decided against it because I know how I'll get - I'll be so concerned about doing a good job that be consumed by it and I'll slack off on my job search. And really, any part-time job I get isn't going to help that much on the money front, so its best I work instead on spending as little money as possible. However, I have asked the associate chair of the department at school whether or not any of the professors need part-time help this summer. The school only 10 minutes away and I'd be, hopefully, working on topics related to what I want to do for work, so it might be worthwhile. I'll let you know if it works out.

So, I'm going to New York tomorrow to do some informational interviewing and networking. I have coffee with an alum tomorrow afternoon, 5! meetings on Thursday, and a lunch with an old colleague/friend on Friday. I might also be having drinks or coffee with some other old colleagues. One of my good friend's birthday's is next week, so I think we are going to have a little celebration while I'm in town, but she has a 5 month old, so it won't be anything crazy.

Not only am I nervous about all my meetings, but I'm also nervous about seeing old friends and colleagues. The last time I saw many of these people was 25 lbs. ago. Other people I haven't seen since I started my epic weight loss journey. I recently met up with someone I haven't seen since my internship last summer (before I started to lose weight) and she kept going on and on about how "skinny" I had become. It was annoying, because I'm obviously not skinny. (She also thought back in last August that it was impossible for me to lose 52 lbs. in 52 weeks, so it was nice that I silently knew I had accomplished that.) So, if she's any indication of how people are going to treat me I don't know how I'm going to feel while I'm in New York. I'm very apprehensive. I don't want it to all be about what I look like. That's not what this trip is about, not that I want any trip to be about that. The good thing is that none of the meetings on Thursday are with people who knew me before I lost weight. That way I can just focus on my ideas and not my appearance.

I can't believe its 9pm already. I have a million things to do. I'll post next Monday and let you all know how it went. Keep your fingers crossed that I stay on plan! Doing that away from home is always a challenge for me.

Take care,

Trixie

The Good, The Bad & The Little Black Dress

I did it! Graduation was Monday and I officially have my master's! It was about a week of parties and happy hours and visiting with family - my parents came in from Las Vegas, which I think is so sweet because it was totally unnecessary, but made the whole event feel more special. The majority of my food choices were good ones (although I did have veggie quesadillas, chicken fingers and a mini cupcake one night! oops!), but I did drink beer pretty much every day for 6 days in a row. As a result, I blew my flex points out of the water. I think I ate and drank 50 more flex points than my 35 allotted. Wow! I made an effort to journal everything because I knew I'd be up this week, so I wanted to have firm proof of why, and I have it. I am officially up 4.6 lbs. since last Thursday. I'm bummed because it puts me back under 50 lbs. lost, but I know I can get back there an a few weeks. My short-term goal is to not gain any weight during my trip to New York next week. It's going to be tough, but I think I can do it if I make wise choices and only drink a little bit.

But lest you think last week was all bad news, I had two good non-scale victories. First, I exercised for 90 minutes last week. I finally did that CardioSculpt video I've been jabbering about for weeks. It is great! I think I am going to buy it (I have it out from Netflix.) And I went to the gym and rode the bike for 30 minutes. It was a total of 30 minutes more than my goal of 60 minutes for the week, so I am happy. And my real non-scale victory was that I wore a little black dress and fabulous peep toe pumps to graduation under my gown. There was a reception afterwards where everyone got to see my dress. What is so validating is that the last time I wore that dress was at a friend's wedding - in 1997! And it wasn't tight or anything! It felt great to feel like I looked good for a change. There weren't many photos taken, but I'll see if there's a good one of me in the dress and post it ;)

Oh, and I just want to thank everyone for their insightful, and at times humorous, comments about my botched attempt at a kiss. Here's the update ... I saw him twice since the debacle (at the reception and then at a party Tuesday night) and I think I caught him looking at me (I made sure I looked gooood both times), but it could have been my imagination. At both events we successfully avoided talking to each other and now that the graduation celebrations have come to an end the next time I will likely see him is some time far into the future at a class reunion. He turned out to be the best person to have this happen with since I never have to see him again! And it seems like he didn't mention anything to his friends. If he did, and someone says something to me in the future, at least I won't have to go to class the next day and be embarrassed. I don't know if I'll ever make the first move again in the future. But this time it was definitely his loss! Because I have been told that I'm a really good kisser! :)

"Beer Balls"

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments! It made me feel so good to hear from you all.

So, I must say that this week was very uneventful health-wise. I did not make my exercise goal, hell, I didn't even exercise once! I have reduced my goal to just 60 minutes for next week hoping that I can at least do the CardioSculpt DVD twice.

While health-wise it was a boring week, school-wise it was very exciting ... I'm DONE! I had my last class and presentation on Tuesday evening and I just, minutes ago, emailed my professor my last paper. It is over! It feels both good and scary. Good because it has been an interesting two years, scary because I don't have a job yet, or even a good lead on one. But I'm going to a big city in a few weeks for an informational interviewing/networking trip (and to see some friends) so hopefully that will kick-start things into gear.

I did have something crappy happen to me, but I'm trying not to dwell on it. I was at a bar with a bunch of people from school and we were all drinking. After the 5th or 6th beer, (I know, I know, it's a lot, but it was over the span of 5 hours and I don't drink that often) one of my classmates started to look pretty cute, so I texted him (because he was across the table from me). He answered back and for about 90 minutes we were texting. Then the evening came to an end and I had already said I wasn't driving home b/c I had had too much to drink and was going to sleep on a friend's couch, but then I had the brilliant idea that he could drive me home b/c he lives in my town. He said he would, no problem. So we are chatting the whole way and then got to my apartment. I kissed him on the cheek for being nice and driving me home and he smiled, so I went to kiss him for real and he TURNED AWAY! I think I said something to the effect of "you f*cking asshole" and slammed the car door shut. I am like, how did I mis-read the signals so badly? It totally seemed like he was interested. But now that I type this I am starting to think that I totally read something into the situation that wasn't there. We have flirted before, but nothing ever happened. I just feel like such a dork and he is TOTALLY going to tell his friends about this. That being said, I don't know what I saw in him if he's the kind of person who would do that. Actually I do, I'm only interested in him when I've been drinking. Nice, huh. So, basically I am completely incompetent when it comes to guys and shallow. I told one of my friends this story and she said I had "beer balls" for making the first move. I had never heard that one before, but it made me laugh. Actually, writing this down has made me feel better. Maybe now I can stop beating myself up over it.

So just remember, if you are ever looking for advice about guys - take anything I say worth a grain of salt!

Lottery Numbers: 50.2 - 29.8 - 23

Okay, so here's my big news ... I've officially lost over 50 lbs.! I just got weighed-in tonight and I am down 50.2 lbs.! It really caught me off guard. I've been worried about school and my job search, my friends and my family, so I wasn't expecting this. Secretly I think this week's loss was partially because I was wearing pants instead of jeans, but if I can keep it off through next week, so be it! I got misty at my WW meeting. People were so sweet and came up to me afterwards to congratulate me and ask me for tips. Ask me for tips! I couldn't believe it! I feel like I just started this journey. I wasn't expecting 50 to mean so much to me, but I kind of want to buy a piece of jewelry to commemorate the event. Maybe once I have a job and I'm not living off of student loans.

So, more good news ... I am officially no longer "obese." I have a BMI of 29.8 and "overweight" is supposed to be 29.9. I can't believe it. This is a non-scale victory I have really been looking forward to. I feel vindicated after all of the doctor's who have been so insensitive to me about my weight over the past 10 years. If they had been more supportive, instead of so punitive, maybe I would have done this sooner.

And lastly, WW etools had me re-calculate my points. I'm now down to 23. I think I started with 26 in August 2006. It's kinda scary. I don't know if I can do it. I've been trying not to blow it, but I have been having a hard time. What I really need to do is start getting back into the exercise routine now that water aerobics has been over for a few weeks. I still have the CardioSculpt video from Netflix that hasn't been taken out of the envelope. I can blame it on school and the job search, but the truth is, I could have made the time to work out. I think it will help with my stress level too. I called my old therapist and had a session with her last week. It was really good to talk with her. There's a lot of stuff going on in my life and the lives of the people around me and its just starting to get overwhelming. I'm going to talk with her again next week. I don't know how I'm going to pay for this, but hopefully everything will work out. I should have gotten that job at Starbucks back in January. Oh well, my mom said that hindsight is 20/20.

It's past my bedtime and I have a group meeting for school in the morning. Yet another presentation to write. Then I'm meeting my sister for lunch, which should be fun. Take care! Trixie

Old Navy Doesn't Respect Larger Women

I was just reading a post over at Pasta Queen and discovered that Old Navy is pulling their size 22-26 clothes out of their stores and making them available only online. I think is is disrespectful and a bad business decision, but Pasta Queen puts her dissatisfaction much more eloquently than I do, so visit her blog ... http://pastaqueen.com

I did write a disgruntled email to Old Navy and told them that the least they could do is make shipping free for the sizes they don't (won't) carry in their stores. Pasta Queen conveniently posted the customer service email, toll free number and mailing address for the jerks at Old Navy.

There's also a petition to stop Old Navy from doing this at ... http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/224525614?ltl=1178301217

I like their t-shirts, but not enough to keep shopping somewhere that discriminates against beautiful, vibrant women who want to buy their clothes.

Just Do It

Thanks for all the good advice! I am always impressed by and drawn to people who exude confidence, whether they are smaller or larger than me. But I've always wondered how the people who are my size or bigger do it. I need to figure out a way to find that confidence within myself. And I guess that's the key - I'm going to find it within myself, not by looking in the mirror. Some days I might like what I see and some days I might not, but I need to be able to close my eyes when my head hits the pillow at night and know that I have value and that I'm an attractive person - inside and out. Here's to wishing me luck on that journey. I'm sure I'll be talking about it more as time goes on.

I had talked about going to the gym today and reading for school while I was on the bike to a friend of mine last night. When I woke up late today I had enough time to the gym before class, but I was going to blow it off. I just didn't feel like it. Then I read my emails and I found one titled "Just Do It" from my friend from last night. I have recently been sharing some of my feelings from my weight loss journey with her. I'm not going to bore you with the beginning of the email, here's the key part ...

"...And just in case you need some encouragement to read on the bike ... As our esteemed brand Nike would say, "just do it." Hopefully that didn't fall into the category of annoying encouragement, just thinkin about you."

My initial gut reaction was, damn, my instincts were right, I shouldn't have shared my weight loss goals with her. Now I have to be accountable to someone else! I don't think I have ever really gotten encouragement to work out before, so I wasn't sure how to react. Then I started to think about it and realized how great it was that she took the risk and emailed me. And I started to think about how well being accountable to Weight Watchers each week is working for me. It turned out that I really needed a push this morning and her email showed me that someone cared about my goals and was listening to me. I ended up going to the gym, and I was happy that I did. I also made a point to thank her when I saw her in class today. Maybe confiding in some of my friends about my weight loss goals isn't such a bad thing after all.